


Polarity

by wildandsexy



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Angst, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, M/M, Slow Build, oh hey thats a tag, prepare urselves we're in for the long haul friends, very slow, warning for some insensitive terminology for people w/ mental health problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-07-15 03:46:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 62,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7205993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildandsexy/pseuds/wildandsexy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which a series of stupid mistakes of judgment lead to Jaebum spending two months in a mental health care facility. He plans to spend his time alone, suffer out his sentence in peace and quiet, but Jackson Wang is the self-appointed welcoming party and it soon becomes obvious his plans are going to change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my first multi-chaptered fic you guys!!! i hope you enjoy :)

**Chapter 1.**

_Jaebum’s heart was beating faster than the cars speeding past them. The wind whipped at his face and he felt the deep rumble of their engines in his chest as he choked down a panicked sob. He felt himself shake with the boy in his arms and forced his eyes closed, hoping to block out the headlights blinding him, but they shone through his lids regardless. So he pressed his face tightly to Jackson’s neck and prayed that he’d wake up any moment. This would just be some awful dream and the fear he felt quake through him would simply be a faint memory, so soon forgotten._

_But he didn’t wake up._

  **2 MONTHS EARLIER**

 Jaebum glared at the receptionist desk, ignoring the displeased sigh his mother let out as the filled in his forms beside him. Yugyeom was playing on his phone, unable to make eye contact with Jaebum as they waited for the nurse to return. He stretched his right hand in its brace, wincing when his knuckle throbbed sharply. He still had a few weeks before the fracture would be completely healed.

 “You’re allergic to sulpha drugs aren’t you?” His mother checked and Jaebum replied lowly, hoping to conceal the frustration bubbling under his skin.

“No that’s Yugyeom.”

He heard his mother’s apology, shrugging it off without another thought and returning to staring at the far to cheerful sky-blue walls. He was counting the pamphlets hanging by the desk when he realised the sound of his mother’s pen scratching along the form had ceased. She was sitting in silence.

When he looked up he saw the unshed tears shining in her eyes as she studied his face.

“I’m so sorry-“ She said softly, a gentle hand reaching up to brush his hair from his eyes and he looked down in shame.

“None of this is your fault, it’s mine,” He pushed her hand from his cheek with his unbroken one, instead interlocking their fingers and clenching hers in support. “I have failed you both.” He ignored her protests, pressing a kiss to the back of her hand. “I’m so sorry I’m leaving you two alone like this.”

His mother sighed, thumb brushing over his as she watched him with such affection he had to look away once more. He didn’t deserve her sympathy or her affection, “We just want you to get better.”

He felt Yugyeom shift in his seat next to him. His younger brother leant against his side and pressed his head to his shoulder in a rare display of affection. It was unexpected but it brought comfort he could not quantify.

“Im Jaebum?” He heard a careful voice call and they all looked up from where they huddled together. The Im family together for one last time before they were to be torn apart. He nodded politely to the kind faced nurse waiting before them. She was in bright pink scrubs, hair tied back in a braid and wore a smile so sincere he felt his heart clench. He wondered if they had told her everything. If she knew he didn’t deserve any of this kindness. 

He stood and quickly said his goodbyes to his family, made Yugyeom sincerely promise to take care of himself and pressed a kiss to his mother’s cheek, before he followed the nurse through the doors.

He did not look back. He didn’t want his last memory of the outside world to be the sight of his family once more broken apart all because of him.

* * *

 

The psychiatric hospital was one of the best in the country, or so he’d been told. A medium term care facility specializing in mental health care for under 21s. Jaebum had been “lucky” to be going to it. Located a quick train trip and car ride outside of Seoul, it was close to his family and friends and the fact they could visit him easily brought some comfort.

It wasn’t exactly what he had predicted. The grey walls and somber atmosphere he had come to expect from TV was a clear contradiction to the comforting, if not insincere, cheerful blues and greens. There were couches scattered around the halls, their soft cushions covered in floral print that had him reminded of his grandmother’s house. He had to fight off the way it began to put him at ease.

He just needed to get through these next few months and then he would be out of this place forever.

The nurse was, of course, welcoming with her cheerful smile and chirpy tone as she showed him towards his assigned room, “So where do you come from?” She asked and Jaebum forced himself to engage in the benign small talk. It wouldn’t help him to antagonize the staff.

“Goyang,” He replied, unable to keep his eyes from catching glimpses through the patient’s open doors.

“Oh it’s lovely there! One of my good friends lives up there- I was actually visiting-“ Jaebum zoned out her voice, observing the other patients.

There were nurses around, most dressed in scrubs as bright as his own companion had adorned, some of whom were walking patients to their rooms. He was struck by how normal they all looked. Clad in regular clothes, jeans, sweatpants, they lacked any obvious signs of their afflictions. There were a few with marked signs, some with waists strikingly thin or flinching away from all contact so sharply it had his stomach resting uneasily. But they were all just kids. Like him, he supposed. But he didn’t belong there. Not really.

“So here is your room!” The nurse announced, ushering him inside with such enthusiasm he almost found himself expecting more than the simple bedroom and attached bathroom he found. 

The bed was to the left, diagonally across from door and taking up much of the thin space he had been assigned. There were a few other pieces of furniture: a small shelf where he guessed he was supposed to put his few possessions, a bed side table in which he was almost positive he would find a copy of the bible and a small closet. “So all your things should be redelivered to you soon- just doing the usual checks to make sure they’re all suitable to bring in with you. Dinner is at 6:30 and it’s in the dining room just down stairs you can’t miss it. Apart from that you’re welcome to hang out in here or go on out and meet some of the other kids here!”

Jaebum tried not to bristle at the phrase ‘other kids’.

Instead he nodded, briskly but with sufficient politeness, and waited for the nurse to leave the room before he quickly closed the door behind her. He studied the room once more. It wasn’t much but it was better than he had anticipated. At least there were no bars on the window or restraints on the bed like Jinyoung had tried to convince him there would be. The clock ticked from where it hung above his bed and it stated he had another two hours until he had to worry about dinner. With nothing better to do, and not interested in meeting anyone he settled down on top of the bed’s comforter. The pillow was too flat and smelled unfamiliar but it would have to do. 

He didn’t know how long he had been drifting in and out of sleep when he heard an obnoxiously cheerful series of knocks on the door. He groaned and checked the time- he had only been out for 20 minutes- and rolled his eyes. It must be his things, he thought, and he rolled up and onto his feet to retrieve them.

But instead of the familiar nurse he was met with a bright grin and excessively loud “WELCOME” upon opening the door. The kid didn’t look much different in age from him, face still obviously that of a teenager but the broadness of his chest showing he was likely bordering 20 alongside Jaebum. He stood silently for a second, eying the guy’s hands in confusion for any sight of his bag, but only seeing them stained with some sort of dark ink. The guy moved past him quickly, sitting on his bed and beaming up at him so brightly it had Jaebum’s initial discomfort growing rapidly.

“Welcome! I’m Jackson Wang- ‘resident resident’ and leading professional on this hospital and everything that goes on in here. I just wanted to introduce myself and welcome you to the family!” Jaebum stared at the boy, eye twitching as he noticed the boy had his dirty hands on his bed.

“Get your hands off my bed!” He heard himself order, feeling a little ashamed of his swift words when Jackson jumped off the bed swiftly.

“I’m so sorry- I should have known better than that! I apologise for putting my hands on your bed!” He looked truly regretful and Jaebum raised an eyebrow, ignoring how it pulled at his stitches. “It’s just dye I can’t manage to wash off but I promise I have just recently used hand sanitiser and I showered this morning, but I understand your concern-"

“Wait what?” Jaebum now had both his eyebrows raised, was this kid messing with him? “I’m not some kind of germaphobe if that’s what you think!”

Jackson sighed in relief, running a hand through his hair and Jaebum noticed he had a headband resting across his brow, "Oh good that’s a relief. We haven't had one in a couple months and I completely forgot to be careful. . This would have made for a terrible introduction.” 

Jaebum didn’t have the first idea where to begin. The boy before him was wearing a headband first of all, his hands dyed blue and green and practically swimming in a slightly lop-sided and what looked to be hand-knitted sweater. He was grinning at him brightly and Jaebum noted it didn’t even waver when he caught sight of his stitched up brow or braced hand. Even the nurse had looked slightly apprehensive at first, before his mother had buttered her up with her politeness.

He was a collection of friendliness and energy that had Jaebum feeling inadequate and he was completely unsure what he was doing.

“Can you please leave me alone?” His voice was low, and toneless in a way that had his simple request coming across harsher than he truly meant it to. But the words were already gone and he could do nothing but witness the response they earned.

The boy’s voice caught in his throat- halfway through talking about what was being served for dinner that evening- and Jaebum couldn’t force himself to apologise to remove the shocked expression on his face. He wasn’t here to make friends anyway- what did it matter if his poor attitude kept people away. It was for the best really. Jackson didn’t hang around much longer after that, stammering over the last of his words as Jaebum sighed to himself.

“Well if you ever need anything let me know because I’m always around…” Jaebum was reactionless once more. “Anywaysnicemeetingyoubye!” He bowed quickly, but Jaebum wasn’t even focused on him anymore as he heard the knock on the door behind him.

It was another nurse and the guy grinned at both of them, raising Jaebum’s bag in one hand and waving to Jackson with the other, “Jackson-ah!” He greeted, handing Jaebum his bag who went to put it by the dresser. “Introducing yourself already I see!”

What was it about everyone in this place, Jaebum thought. They were all so outstandingly happy and he found himself incredibly annoyed by it. Nobody wanted to spend their time in a mental institution so why did they all have to be so falsely cheerful and act like it was something it wasn’t.

Thankfully it wasn’t long before the nurse read the room and he and Jackson departed, Jaebum still able to hear their mindless chatter as they headed off together. He sunk to the floor against the floor, eyes unfocused as he tried to keep his heart rate down. The walls were too close together. His things had been searched through. Every corner or dangerous surface had been smoothed or padded like he was a toddler. 

There were no bars on the windows but that didn’t mean he wasn’t trapped.

He wanted to yell and throw his things at the window, smash through the glass and follow them out of this horrible place. But he knew he couldn’t. It would only be a few months, his mother had assured. Only a few months before everyone would be appeased and he could return home. He could return to his friends and family and try to put back together the life he had torn apart. He could do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this entire fic is dedicated to and pretty much created by my amazing wonderful wife/soulmate/fellow jackbum hoe [olga ](http://jaebumsbird.tumblr.com) i'm just the dumbass who writes it <3 so go send her some love & check out her art it's amazing!! if i can convince her she might even draw some art for this au :D
> 
> anyway! about this fic a decent chunk of it is already written so I promise to update at least once a week- so i hope you guys are ready and excited! i know i am!! leave some comments & chat to me about it- comments give me life- & love always, nic :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter twooooo!!!!

**Chapter 2.**

Jaebum didn’t leave his room until dinner.

The ‘dining room’ ended up consisting of a cluster of tables downstairs, not unlike the cafeterias Jaebum had been subjected to in school. But unlike high school it wasn’t just teenagers eating and sitting together. Amongst the patients were nurses, dressed in their bright scrubs and chatting with fellow nurses and patients alike. Jaebum immediately noticed Jackson, sat at his table perfectly in the centre of the room in the company of two other boys. Conversation flowed from table to table, often passing through the mouthy boy, who contributed so loudly and rapidly Jaebum didn’t know how he had time to eat at all. He hovered at the door for a moment before he searched for an empty spot, tucked away at the side, and he grabbed his meal and made his way to sit. 

The food was fine, remarkably tasty and well-prepared for something he knew must be mass-produced to feed everyone present. Jaebum couldn’t keep his eyes from being drawn to the centre table again and again. 

One of the boys hadn’t spoken a word the entire meal, but both of them had been laughing heartily at the loudest one’s antics. Jackson’s face was flushed and his hands whipped through the air as he reenacted a story Jaebum didn’t even try to follow. His hair was fluffed up, his mouth open in a broad grin and his food forgotten. He was loud. Too loud, Jaebum decided. 

There were a few others like him, sticking to the sides and hardly speaking to one another. He made no effort to engage in conversation with them either. He had little to say. He had no idea how to relate to these people and the thought of trying to start a conversation with them had his chest heavy with dread.

A few months suddenly seemed a lot longer than he initially thought.

Eventually the meal wrapped up, the kitchen staff collected their plates and utensils and shooed everyone out into the hall. Many returned to their rooms and Jaebum followed them upstairs tiredly. His chest tightened when he noticed there were several who, unlike him, shared their rooms with another. He knew the fact he hadn’t been assigned a roommate was no coincidence.

He reached his door, considering the handle for a moment. There was a curfew but they still had almost two full hours until it was enforced. But he heard chatter and watched Jackson, surrounded by a group of laughing faces, head past him and toward the lounge room. The bitterness settling in his gut had him shoving the door open, all too eager to get out of everyone’s sight. Everyone knew one another here. He was the new headcase and he disliked it immensely. 

Sleep didn’t come easily that night. The mattress was too soft, the sheets to heavy and the unfamiliar quiet deafening.

Jaebum came from the city. He craved sound, the passing of cars, the beeping of angry drivers, the murmur of voices, the thrum of televisions. Instead he was drowned in the silence. The only sounds in the room made by the steady inhale and exhale of his own breath alongside the quiet ticking of the clock. He was left with nothing but his own thoughts to entertain him and he grew tired of them quickly.

It was indeed going to be a very long couple of months.

* * *

The next day passed even slower than the first.

He was woken at 7:30 for breakfast. He watched other patients line up to take their daily medications. He collected his meal with a polite nod to the servers. He ate in silence. He listened to the constant chatter coming from the centre of the room. He cleared his tray and passed it back to the kitchen staff. He returned to his room. 

He didn’t have any appointments or mandatory activities that day, instead told he should try and ‘settle in’ and ‘get used to the new environment’ before his ‘treatment’ began. He was dreading it, unwilling to allow others try and tackle the mess in his head. If someone was going to fix it, it should be him rather than some random doctor with a fancy degree and prescription pad. 

His possessions sat tucked to the side of his room, unpacked and still crammed into his small bag, but he couldn’t make himself begin to put them away. Instead he reached for a comic Youngjae had gifted him and began reading it. Before long the silence became to too boring, the comic book blurring before his eyes as he slipped in and out of sleep. He couldn’t let himself nap during the day, he would be left with the deafening quiet and darkness that night without even the escape provided by sleep.

So he stood up, deciding if he wasn’t going to read he was as well try to learn his way around the place. He knew there were phones somewhere, maybe he could call Jinyoung and make him check in on his mother for him. He had been given strict instructions that he wasn’t allowed to be calling every day when he ‘needed to focus on his treatment’ but she couldn’t stop him from getting his best friend to sneak him information on the sly. He was on his way towards the stairs, trying to catch the attention of one of the nurses scurrying around to ask for directions, when they collided.

He was walking quickly, concentration elsewhere when his shoulder bumped into the boy. He apologized quickly, looking him once over when he was met with nothing but silence. Jaebum immediately recognized him as the boy seated beside Jackson the previous night, beautiful, pale and thin but practically mute, and he raised his eyebrows in surprise when he continued to walk the direction he was headed without a look back. Previous mission forgotten, Jaebum found his legs carrying him along behind him.

The boy strolled, his feet dragging along the linoleum but he didn’t stop for a second. His large shirt hung off his slim frame, shoulders slumped and dark hair hanging low over his brow as he slipped past nurses and patients wordlessly. The door he reached Jaebum had not previously noticed and he opened it smoothly, disappearing inside as Jaebum paused. He waited for a moment, not wanting to intrude on someone else’s room or space, but he read the dusty sign above the door.

_Library_

It was quite a small space, barely double in width that of Jaebum’s own small room, but it was packed to the brim with shelves upon shelves that towered high with a jumbled collection. The eclectic collection consisted of books in a wide range of languages and widely varying in their target audience. He opened one, noticing a brief acknowledgement to the hospital inside the cover and he returned it to the shelf. It wasn’t until he reached the final aisle that he noticed the familiar figure stretched out leisurely across a couch tucked in the back of the room.

At first he thought he was hidden, slipping back between the shelves to find the first somewhat interesting book But when he came out he watched the boy, still not looking up and comfortable in his silence, slide his legs off the couch and create space for Jaebum to sit. It would be rude to ignore such a kindness and he nodded quickly, plopping down beside the guy and opening his book.

He had little else to do and the quiet presence of another brought him comfort he wished he didn’t crave. So they sat together, reading their books in silence, but it wasn’t long until Jaebum realized his quick choice of book had been poor. The characters were uninspired and insipid and he sighed to himself when one said an especially ridiculous statement. He was not prepared for the sound of his reading companion’s voice.

It was soft but still shocking in the silent room, his heavily accented words surprising Jaebum momentarily before he calmed once more, “That one is pretty cheesy. You should try reading this one.” The book in his lap was replaced with that from his friend’s hands and he tried to protest, feeling it rude to simply take it. “Don’t worry- I’ve already read it about three times anyway.” 

Jaebum frowned, but didn’t argue, flipping open the book and listening as his companion stood and began to wander the shelves again. The book was immediately much better than his previous selection and he found himself, for the first time he had been admitted, forgetting his surroundings and his fate as he delved into the story. The couch dipped beside him as the other boy sat, opening a new book of his own and Jaebum continued to read. He was fully engrossed in the book, almost a hundred pages in, when the room’s peace was broken by the sound of the door swinging open.

“Hyung! Where are you- your appointment starts in 20 and you haven’t even eaten your lunch- Oh!” Jaebum’s head snapped up to see Jackson standing before them, arms crossed and eyebrows raised in surprise as his eyes flicked between the two of them. He realised he had a dumb smile on his face from the book and he quickly trained his expression to something more dignified, face impassive as he nodded briskly at the boy. Jackson smiled weakly, shrugging and gesturing vaguely. “Sorry- I didn’t mean to intrude and be so loud it’s just there’s not usually anyone else in here.”

Jaebum bit down the retort that Jackson was always loud, no matter who was around, and forced a smile that felt more like a grimace. He stood, turning to his neighbor and returning his book with a quick nod, “It’s fine- I should probably go get my own lunch anyway. Thank you for recommending the book though uh-“ 

“Mark,” The boy answered, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth that had Jaebum’s own quirking up in response. He turned to the door to find Jackson staring at him, eyes wide in shock and mouth moving wordlessly. He squirmed under his gaze and moved towards the door, anxious to get away from the eyes that had his heart clenching strangely in his chest. He heard Mark speak again, calling out just as he was opening the door. “So I’ll see you again tomorrow?”

“Sure.” 

Jaebum shut the door behind him, but the thin wood was unable to muffle the sound of Jackson’s shrill and incredulous exclamation.

“Hyung how on earth did you get him to smile like that?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun dun we meet MARK!!! my bby!!! sorry this chapter was a little bit shorter- but i hope i made up for it with my little angel making his first appearance. & i should be updating again this week! 
> 
> if you have the time please leave a comment/kudos!! this is my first chaptered fic and i'm super interested to see what you guys are thinking :D thank you again for reading!!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 3!!! we meet another patient wheee ~

**Chapter 3.**

The next day began in much of the same way. Jaebum woke. Showered. Tried to ignore the ever-present reality that he would be stuck there for another two months. Ate breakfast. Brushed his teeth. Choked down the bile rising in his throat when he stood still long enough for his thoughts to catch up with him.

 It was on his way to the library when his new routine was broken. A nurse broke him from his trancelike focus, jumping up beside him and grinning broadly. Her welcoming posture was friendly and intended to put him at ease, but Jaebum eyed her warily, “Yes?”

 Her grin grew broader, likely taking the fact he hadn’t run as a good sign. “I’m here to let you know today you’re to have your first session with Dr Jeon! It’s to start in 10 minutes so I can accompany you there if you’d like?” Jaebum watched her wordlessly, taking in the way she was beaming at him as if he should be thrilled by the news. The offer to take him there was probably a façade, just to give him some illusion that he had any control over the situation, so he nodded and followed her noiselessly. She however, like everyone else in the place, seemed ignorant of his preference for silence and began to prattle on about whatever thought passed through her mind. Jaebum fought down a sigh.

 The rooms used for therapy appointments were located in another wing of the building. He noted the pass clipped to her waist she used to even gain access to the other areas and he nodded to himself. The offer to ‘accompany him’ was certainly a front then, there was no way he could have reached this place without supervision. But he stayed silent, following her slowly as the dread in his stomach continued to grow.

The session started as he’s learnt to expect. He was asked to take a seat, relax and make himself at home. The doctor was an older man, probably close to his mid-fifties, and he smiled warmly over his pad of paper at Jaebum, who shifted in his seat. The couch was designed for comfort, intended to enable patients to feel at home as they revealed their innermost thoughts and fears, but it instead had Jaebum on edge and unable to sit still.

“So Jaebum I am Dr Jeon,” the man began, placing down his pad and pen on the coffee table between them. The false informality was to create the illusion it was just a normal conversation between friends, but Jaebum was far too aware of the real reason he was here. “Where would we like to begin today?”

* * *

 

To say Jaebum’s session was ‘a waste of time’ would be an understatement, in Jaebum’s absolutely genuine and honest opinion. He was unsure how an hour of painfully delicately asked questions and long, meaningful ‘mmm’s in responde to his one word answers was supposed to help him come to terms with his issues and learn how to deal with them. He spent most of the appointment focused on working out if the stain on the therapist’s collar was soy sauce or dried blood from a mistake while shaving. His mystery was solved for him when he considered the man’s haggard excuse of beard and thought it unlikely he had touched a razor in months. So soy sauce it was then.

Eventually the clock ticked over and the notepad was closed. Jaebum wondered how much it really contained when the most he had shared the entire session was his mother’s name and Yugyeom’s age. Dr Jeon smiled at him anyway, nodding strongly once as if satisfied with the day’s progress. Jaebum resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

If the guy wanted him to tackle his problems, the least he could do was show himself able to acknowledge his own faults. Like his failure to make any progress with an assigned patient. But really, Jaebum thought, nobody here seemed able to admit any obvious problems. The place’s motto seemed to be ‘ignore the obvious problems until they go away on their own’. It was exhausting.

He was escorted back the patient wing, by a different but equally as chatty nurse, before he finally was able to make his way to the library.

Upon opening the door he was met with the unexpected sound of snoring. He raised both brows, stepping quietly inside the room and following it to the source. In place of Mark, as he expected, he found Jackson, fully reclined across the couch and neck tilted back at what must surely be a painful angle. The quiet sound of his snoring echoed around the otherwise silent room as he lay there, fully asleep.

“Jackson?” The boy jolted in place, almost rolling off the couch in his surprise before he caught himself and looked up.

“Ahah!” You are finally here!” He grinned at Jaebum and the older boy shifted under his gaze.

“Where’s Mark?” He asked warily, swearing he hadn’t missed the boy when he checked down the aisles.

“On the phone with his family- it’s been about an hour so he shouldn’t be much longer,” Jaebum noticed Jackson’s shoes were resting on the couch and tried not to bristle. He hoped they were at least reasonably clean if they were resting on the fabric, but he doubted he would be so lucky.

“An hour?” Jaebum asked in surprise. Jackson finally lifted his shoes from the cushions and sat up to brush imaginary dust from his sweater.

“His parents are back in LA visiting his sisters. One of them is graduating from something,” Jackson hummed, moving his legs out of the way and gesturing to the seat beside him for Jaebum to sit. He instead hovered, unsure if he really wanted to stay here with the current company. “He shouldn’t be long. Conversations with Mark can tend to become a little one-sided.” He shrugged good-naturedly, reaching behind himself and pulling out a familiar book. “I got him to grab this for you first though!” 

Jaebum’s mouth opened in surprise, unsure why Jackson would even be here in the first place and even more shocked he had thought to have Mark find the book for him. He could have easily left the book with a note, but the fact he had been kind enough to stay had Jaebum feeling guilty for his apprehension. “Oh uh-thank you!” He sat down quickly, still feeling awkward and unsure, but he allowed himself to put those feelings in the past when he began to read.

Jackson wasn’t as bad company as Jaebum had originally feared. When Jaebum began to read Jackson had stood and headed for the door. Jaebum expected him to leave for good, to go and spend time with his host of friends or do whatever else it was people did between therapy and designated meditation sessions around here. Instead the door soon reopened and Jackson returned to sit beside him with a comic tucked under one arm.

“I’m not big on reading,” He said, answering a question Jaebum had yet to even ask. “But I stole these off Bambam. He tries to hide them but I know he has them anyway- he is a huge dork underneath it all.” 

Jaebum just nodded, not completely sure who this “Bambam” was or what “it all” really meant. He recognized the cover though, it being one of the comics he himself had just leant Youngjae a few weeks ago.

“That’s uh-“ His voice was rough from disuse and he cleared his throat quickly. “That’s a good one.”

The smile he received in response was blinding and he turned back to his book, ignoring the feeling of his face growing hot. He wasn’t usually one who cared what others thought of him- much of his life was evidence of this fact- but for some reason the thought of Jackson knowing about his interest in comics had him embarrassed. So he returned his focus to his book, flipping quickly through the pages as he tried to find his place once more.

While not bad company, Jackson was not as easy to read next to as Mark. While the taller boy was always silent, Jackson reacted to his own story enough to make Jaebum feel as is he was personally reading it himself. After one particularly loud snort of muffled laughter he looked up, one eyebrow raised, and Jackson turned to the next page. His gasp was even louder and had Jaebum fighting a sigh.

“You do know this is a library, right?” Jackson’s head jumped up, a shy smile on his mouth.

“Sorry sorry!” He said before quickly miming zipping his mouth closed and returned to his comic. It was hardly a minute before Jackson gasped again and Jaebum didn’t hold back his groan this time.

“Please stop it!” Jackson covered his mouth with his free hand, nodding sharply and Jaebum prayed this would be the last time he’d have to ask. Thankfully it was and when Jackson seemed fully absorbed once more in his reading, Jaebum returned to his own. He was almost half way through the novel by the time Mark returned, the door opening so quietly and his footsteps so soft he didn’t notice his presence until he spoke.

“How sweet.”

Jaebum jumped in susprise and Jackson almost lost his comic book when he did the same. He realised, when he looked over at the boy that the comic was closed and Jaebum didn’t remember the last time he’d heard the pages move. Jackson’s attention must have been else where, and Jaebum knew from the silence that he definitely hadn’t been asleep.

 “I’m just checking out the book too hyung,” Jackson responded smoothly, eyes raising to challenge Mark’s seemingly innocent ones.

“Didn’t look like it was the only thing-“ Jackson cut him off, throwing the comic book at the boy’s head and storming towards the door. Mark just sighed, picking it up and tucking it under one arm before he turned to slowly follow him. Jaebum frowned as his favourite reading partner left.

Jackson just had to ruin everything, didn’t he?

* * *

Despite his dramatic exit Jackson seemed inclined to become a constant presence in Mark and Jaebum’s reading sessions. He would lie across the floor, one hand slowly flicking through Bambam’s comic and the other supporting his head and playing with his hair. Every once in a while he would squeeze in between Mark and Jaebum, reading over their shoulders and asking what a particular Korean word meant.

“I’m from Hong Kong,” He explained breezily one day, after Jaebum had been asked to explain the meaning of some vocabulary he himself had learnt before second grade. It made a lot more sense- he thought. The boy’s aversion to using honorifics and his most beloved habit of shoving into the seat next to him and pelting him with random questions. What better way was there to improve your Korean than to expand your vocabulary via novels? Mark didn’t ask questions. He had apparently become quite proficient at reading the language. “He’s still bad at speaking it though,” Jackson had teased, and Jaebum noted the fond smile Mark tried to conceal behind his latest read.

He did sometimes feel Jackson’s eyes on him, especially when he and Mark would exchange books or recommendations. He would chat to Mark about plot points and Mark would reply in kind, voice low but clearly opinionated on the topic. Jackson just grinned at him when he met his pleased gaze, whispering to him on their way to dinner that, “It’s just good to see Mark making other friends… Even if they’re just as quiet as he is.” 

He had received a shove in response before Jaebum departed to line up for his meal. Jackson just laughed at him, moving to his table where Bambam had already collected him and Mark’s meals. Jaebum sighed, waiting patiently in line and a little jealous of the group of friends.

But Jaebum’s days of dining along were, apparently also over, when on his way to his regular side table he heard Jackson calling his name. The boy was waving wildly and grinning at him.

“Jaebum! Jaebum!” Jaebum rolled his eyes at the boy’s informality; the least he could do was show him some level of respect. “Stop sitting all sad and by yourself and come sit with us!”

Jaebum eyed his usual spot. The only other patient sitting there looked far too old to be in their ward and had made the evening’s meal into a pile that Jaebum thought dangerously close to collapsing onto the table. He looked back at where Jackson was grinning at him, almost maniacal with how the light reflected off his yes. It was a difficult decision. 

He slid into the space next to Mark, nodding across to Jackson and his other table mate.

“This is Bambam,” Jackson introduced proudly, and Jaebum smiled politely at the other boy. He was clearly younger than the three of them, his chubby cheeks and nervous smile showing his youth. Jaebum thought he looked around Yugyeom’s age, if slightly shorter. It still shocked Jaebum to see kids in here and he tried not to think about what the boy must be going through to be in there so young. “Bambam’s from Thailand!”

“Hyung,” The boy whined, elbowing him in the side and lips in a pout. “You act like me being Thai is the only interesting thing about me.” Jackson sighed heavily but apologized, putty in the young boy’s whiny hands. So the similarities between this Bambam and Jaebum’s own brother didn’t end with their age.

“How long have you all been here?” Jaebum asked quietly, unsure if he was overstepping an unwritten rule, but curious about the clear camaraderie between them.

Jackson answered without hesitation, gesturing at the other two, “Bambam’s the newest- well was the newest until you came along. He’s been here just over 3 weeks.” Bambam nodded, playing with his food. “Mark’s been here a bit longer about 4 months-“ Jaebum’s brows raised, surprised at the length of time. “Nobody can match me though- my 18 month anniversary is in two weeks.”

“18 months?” Jaebum asked, question slipping out accidentally. Jackson just shrugged, good-naturedly.

“Yep! I mean I could get out of this place if I really needed to- but why would I want to with such great company?” He threw his arms around Bambam, hugging the boy who just laughed and Mark smiled at them both fondly.

Yet despite it all, Jaebum couldn’t help but feel like behind Jackson’s cocky smile hid a far more serious story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun dunnnn!!! dramaa ~
> 
> SO i'm going to the US for a month- but do not fret my dear readers (all 2 of u) i should have wifi for most of the time i'm there and I have a BUNCH of chapters pretty much finalised- so I should stay regular on the updates :D I'll try to at least!! 
> 
> please leave comments/kudos if you are enjoying the first few chapters!! and/or come yell with me about jackbum at [fight-me-jaebum ](http://fight-me-jaebum.tumblr.com) :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER 4!!! we meet eVEN MORE PEOPLE!!!

**Chapter 4.**

The first week progressed better than Jaebum expected. Despite his mandatory therapy sessions, relaxation time and meditation the days moved by without any major hiccups. He got his stitches out, his hand brace downgraded to less menacing strapping tape and his first visitors came the following Tuesday afternoon.

He asked his mother and Yugyeom not to come. He repeatedly told them it was because they needed to focus on their own lives and adapt to living without him, but he knew this was not the entire truth. The thought of them seeing him there, in the hospital, surrounded by all the patients with major mental illnesses had him feeling ill.

Visitors were allowed to come almost any time during the day or week. It was one of the few things, Jaebum thought, that kept him from believing he was actually in prison. The visitors gathered in the dining room downstairs, the tables filling up with families and couples coming in to see the patients. Visitors were to wear identification and could not enter the patient’s wing on their own but they were allowed just about anywhere else the patients were. Jaebum’s heart clenched at the sight of parents, wrapped up with their child watching TV in the living area and siblings bickering over board games.

While he didn’t see his own biological family he did allow Youngjae and Jinyoung to visit. He thought the presence of some of his true friends would do some good and keep him from forgetting that his real life was waiting for him when he finally got outside those walls. When he entered the dining room he caught sight of them instantly, he didn’t think he’d ever miss the figures he had long since committed to memory. Jinyoung was on his phone- likely sending his own mother sneaky updates, Jaebum thought with a sigh- but Youngjae was sitting quietly, eyes wide as he took in the room around him. He felt his heart clench. It was amazing the effect a week apart could have on him, only realizing now how much me missed their presence when he couldn’t see them whenever he wanted to.

“Jaebum-hyung!” Youngjae called out, jumping out of his seat and hurrying over to hug him. Jinyoung followed, waiting for the younger to release his friend before he pulled him into a firm hug.

“How are you?” Jinyoung asked, the discomfort in his tone showing how awkward he felt asking the question but needing to hear Jaebum’s response all the same.

“Fine! Yeah good,” Jaebum scanned the room, spotting Bambam chatting seriously with a woman he assumed to be his mother. They shared the same face, Jaebum realised, their mouths moving quickly as they spoke quietly in Thai. “Do you want to go outside?”

Jaebum had only been outside a few times in the almost 8 days he had been in the facility. It was usually a mess of younger kids, running around and yelling and playing mindless games but for once the space was reasonably quiet.

“They take the little ones on excursions sometimes,” Jackson had said that morning, teasingly asking Bambam why he wasn’t on the bus with his other friends his age.

Jaebum took note of some other patients, off to the side and digging around in the flower patch that bordered the building. He wondered the point of the garden. The air was not far off turning cold for winter and he knew the plants would all be dead or hibernating soon enough. Looking away he caught sight of an empty table, leading the others over and appreciating the rest of the afternoon’s sun. 

“Your mum is doing well,” Jinyoung began, immediately drawing Jaebum’s attention away from picking at the chipping paint on the tabletop. “I don’t really know what you expected considering she’s a fully grown woman capable of taking care of herself but- she’s doing fine.”

Jaebum nodded, ignoring Jinyoung’s snark as he appreciated the news anyway, “And Yugyeom?”

Jinyoung rolled his eyes and Youngjae’s laughter had Jaebum grinning, “He’s an absolute brat as always. But I think the new school is doing him good.”

Youngjae nodded emphatically, “He seems to be fitting in really well. He’s joined our dance club and I already warned him about the teachers he should try to avoid.”

Jaebum sighed in relief, head falling into his arms as he let the news wash over him. His feelings of responsibility had not lessened but increased since being admitted. It was good to hear his family was okay. 

He heard Jinyoung begin to speak again, rolling his eyes in preparation, “But really hyung- that kid needs to learn to respect his elders. Just the other day I dropped by to check on your mom and he of course answered the door and asked me ‘if I’d forgotten you weren’t there, with my Alzheimer’s and all’.”

Jaebum couldn’t hold in his bark of laughter and he heard Youngjae join in, “I’m sorry Jinyoung-ah. I swear he’s a good kid.” 

Jinyoung nodded, sighing dramatically and adjusting his hair, “I know I know. But you still owe me.”

Jaebum smiled at both of them, allowing himself to relax for the first time in a week around those who knew him best.

* * *

The afternoon had to come to an end eventually. Both of them still had school the next day and they needed to catch the next train back to Goyang City so he walked then back inside. Jaebum was in deep discussion with Youngjae about one of the comics the boy had just finished when he noticed Jinyoung lagging behind. He sighed, politely pausing Youngjae mid-sentence before turning back to see what was holding his friend up. 

It was like in a cheesy kids movie, Jaebum thought. The first time the prince is shown and it’s like everything else seems to freeze as the protagonist stares at them, blank faced and honestly stupid looking. Jinyoung’s mouth was hanging open and Jaebum worried that if he looked too closely he’d be able to see drool hanging from his lower lip.

Mark stood not too far away, the boy dusting the dirt from his hands and shaking his hair free of his cap. Sweat made his hair stick to his forehead and he reached up to wipe it, drawing Jaebum’s attention to where his thin white t-shirt clung to his chest. His lips broke into one of his rare smiles as he admired his freshly planted plot of flowers and even Jaebum felt his face flush at the boy’s handsome profile. But Jinyoung was unable to simply flush and look away, like any other self-respecting observer. Instead Jinyoung gasped loudly, eyes bulging and legs swaying towards the boy.

Jaebum sighed, grabbing his friend’s elbow and tugging him inside, “Come on Romeo, it’s time to get you two home.”

* * *

Missing people was something Jaebum had never become accustomed to. He had lived most of his life living within one bus stop of all of the most important people in his life, and it made it even worse when Youngjae and Jinyoung left and it was time for him to return to his hospital routine.

He hid out in his room, eventually falling asleep and waking up 10 minutes into dinner. It took a huge amount of will power for him to get out of bed and make his way there, but he decided he preferred to force himself to go rather than wait for a nurse to come and collect him. 

As if there to annoy him more Jackson was being especially rowdy that evening, bickering with a surprisingly alert Mark who had clearly freshly showered while Jaebum had been asleep. Jackson was once again covered in ink stains and had his hair tucked back with the hairband Jaebum remembered from his first day.

“Bambam eat your food,” Jackson snapped, turning back to Mark and Jaebum noted the boy’s own food was completely untouched as he continued his argument. “I called them three weeks ago Mark! I don’t need to call them again.” 

Mark frowned at him, slowly shoveling his own mouth with food as Jackson flared at him, “They are your parents Jackson. They want you to call them.”

Jaebum played with his noodles, glancing over at Bambam who was eying his food, “You should eat.”

Bambam’s initial surprise shifted to annoyance but he ate a mouthful begrudgingly, “I’ve already got these two parenting me, not you too!”

He laughed, continuing to eat even though his food had become slightly too cold. He shouldn’t have allowed himself to fall asleep, “Well somebody’s got to. What are you, 12?” He grinned at Bambam’s offended gasp, slightly muffled by Mark and Jackson’s ongoing disagreement. “Was that your mom visiting today?”

Bambam nodded, swallowing another mouthful with a wince. “Yeah- she visits every Tuesday afternoon. She runs a Thai restaurant in town and it’s slow enough for her to come see me.” Jaebum nodded, not able to help but notice Bambam’s careful aversion to mentioning his father. He so often did the same thing. “What about yours?”

“My mom?” Bambam assented and Jaebum played with his food some more. “I told her and my brother not to visit just yet.” 

“Why?” Jaebum looked up to see Jackson had jumped into the conversation, ignoring Mark’s frustrated sigh. “Don’t want them to witness the freak show?”

Jaebum rolled his eyes at Jackson’s following expression, puffing out his cheeks and pulling a horrible expression that had Bambam cackling, “If by freak show you mean you- then I guess so, yeah.”

Jackson clutched his heart, voice high and regal, “Well now you’ve gone and hurt my feelings hyung.”

After dinner Mark found Jaebum standing by the phones, forehead pressed against the wall and eyes closed as he tried to keep his heart rate down. The older boy didn’t say a word, just paused for a moment to place a gentle hand on his shoulder before continuing on towards he and Jackson’s room.

Jaebum didn’t make the phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!!!! so apologies this chapter's a bit shorter- that'll happen every now and then cus i've gotta stop there where it feels right and sometimes that's 1.6k in and sometimes it's 2.4k in.. consistency is hard. 
> 
> BUT JINYOUNG AND YOUNGJAE!!! the gangs all here :) 
> 
> as always!! leave comments/kudos if you can!! thanks guys <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY FOR THE DELAY I'M TRAVELLING BUT HOPEFULLY U CAN FORGIVE MEEE ~~~

**Chapter 5.**

Jaebum had been sure that there could be nothing worse than individual therapy sessions. That was until he had his first group therapy session. He never thought he could miss Dr Jeon and the monotony of his tediously dry questions until he heard the new woman’s voice. She spoke so softly, voice pitched higher than Jaebum thought anyone naturally could sustain, and he swore she must think she was talking to a group of toddlers.

They were arranged in a circle and Jaebum purposefully chose a seat just shy of directly opposite the woman, keen to avoid her attention and prying questions. The seats either side of him began to fill up quickly as many of the other patient’s arrived and seemed to share his plan. It was five minutes past the time scheduled for the session to begin when the door swung open and in barreled Jackson and Bambam. Jaebum hid a smirk when he noticed the only seats remaining were on either side of the therapist.

Jackson didn’t seem at all perturbed and pulled Bambam along, sitting down with a wide grin and focusing all his attention on the woman.

“Well it seems now that everyone is here,” She trilled and Jaebum noted Jackson’s slight wince at the sound of her voice. “Now I notice we have a few new faces so how about we go around the circle and introduce ourselves? Jackson- how about you begin?”

She turned to the boy, a perky smile to match her chirpy voice and Jackson did something Jaebum should definitely not be surprised by, “But noona! You already told everyone my name- what am I supposed to say now?”

In continued on like that for fifteen minutes. She would ask a benign question and force every member of the circle to answer it. Jackson would try to find a way to turn his response into a joke and Jaebum would fight all his instincts telling him to run screaming from the room.

At least Jackson’s theatrics kept it somewhat interesting, Jaebum thought, his eyes slowly sliding closed as the woman rambled on about ‘developing a positive personal identity’ and ‘the importance of being proud of the person who you see in the mirror every morning.’

“So!” She clapped her hands together sharply and pulled Jaebum from his half-sleep, making him almost slip from his seat in the process. “I would like all of you to share with the group something about yourselves that you are proud of.”

The group fell silent and Jaebum sighed, trying to quickly come up with some bullshit answer he could spit out to bypass any serious discussion with the woman. Something believable but not interesting enough to draw any further questions. Jackson went first as the person to her left and stood, “I would like to share with the group my pride in…” He paused in a way Jaebum was sure he thought must be incredibly dramatic. Jaebum just rolled his eyes. “My thighs.”

Jaebum couldn’t hold in his annoyed groan but was luckily hidden by the sound of laughter. He searched the group, trying to work out who of these people were supporting this kid’s dumb sense of humor when he noticed Bambam. 

The boy was seated to the therapist’s side, looking perfectly normal with his hair perfectly coiffed and in an outfit that as usual was a little too fashionable for a mental health facility, but he lacked his usual air of confidence. His shoulders were slumped forward, head hanging low and his hands clasped together in his lap. He could see a faint quiver to his hands and his bottom lip. There was no sign of his standard bratty quips or teasing grins and Jaebum’s eyes widened. He tried to catch the younger boy’s gaze but there was little he could go when it did not move from where it stuck to ground before him.

It was Jaebum’s turn to answer and he garbled out some nonsense about “his pride in being a good protector” or something equally vague before he looked back to the younger boy. The group was only small, not all of the adolescent patients were made to attend and there were only three more people until it was Bambam’s turn. The question continued to move around the circle and Jaebum watched on in horror.

All his instincts were telling him he needed to do something. He needed to be the ‘good protector’ he supposedly prided himself in being and keep Bambam from whatever it was that had him frozen in his seat, brows drawn tightly together and eyes unseeing. But he didn’t know how to. The only solutions he had ever found involved using his currently healing knuckles and the rage he had been sent here to learn to restrain. So he sat and he did nothing.

Eventually the question reached Bambam and the boy sat in silence, only looking up when his name was called a second time. Jaebum could clearly see the panic in his eyes, the shine of unshed tears and how his words dried on his lips. He also saw the light switch back on in his eyes when Jackson suddenly jumped out of his seat once more. 

“Noona!” Jackson cried out, moving to the centre of the group. “I forgot to share why I have such pride in my thighs!”

The woman turned to him, expression stern and commanding but all attempts to shush him and make him return to his seat were ignored as Jackson carried on despite her.

“Now everyone knows I’m an incredibly amazing fencer- the pride of Hong Kong fencing in this very room you should all be thankful- but these thighs are also crucial for another very very important activity,” He threw a significant wink to Jaebum that had him almost choking on his tongue. “Dancing!”

Jaebum sighed heavily, trying not to be too amused by the way Jackson’s limbs were flailing randomly in an act he apparently considered dancing but he spotted Bambam, broken from his reverie and grinning widely at the boy, quietly laughing along with his peers. He couldn’t hold back his smile after that.

 

* * *

 

The following Saturday afternoon Jaebum was sitting in the dining hall, fingernails rapping on the tabletop and continually eying the clock hanging over the door. All around him families were talking and enjoying one another’s company and Jinyoung was half an hour late. He sighed, the boy was lucky visitation hours on the weekend were extended because if he had missed an entire half hour of the already meager weekday visitation time Jaebum would happily accept added time to his therapy just to kick his ass. He considered the clock again and decided when Jinyoung chose to finally appear one of the staff would probably come grab him anyway.

He was headed down the hallway, trying to decide whether he should head outside to enjoy the nice weather or if he should go find Jackson and see if he had any of Bambam’s comics he could borrow when he spotted them through the window.

Mark’s smile was brighter than Jaebum had ever seen, head thrown back as he laughed awfully enthusiastically at something that was probably just another one of Jinyoung’s stupid statements. Jinyoung however seemed entranced, eyes tracking his movements carefully as he smiled proudly at the reaction he had received. They were seated at one of the benches bordering the patient’s garden with the morning sun shining behind them and their bodies angled towards one another as they spoke. Jinyoung was always especially weak for the pretty ones.

“Of course that’s why you’re late,” He muttered to himself, almost jumping out of his skin when he heard a perky voice call out from directly behind him. 

“Who’s that?” Jackson asked enthusiastically, standing on his toes to watch the pair over Jaebum’s shoulder. Jaebum sighed, shoving his face into his hands as he tried to slow his heart rate once more. Mark stood, walking over to the flower patch and gesturing to something Jaebum had no way to understand but left Jinyoung looking impressed and completely enamored. Typical. “Why is he smiling at Mark like that?”

Jaebum looked up at them once more, trying to ignore how close they were with Jackson huddled up behind him, “That’s Jinyoung. He’s one of my friends.”

The shocked gasp that left Jackson’s mouth at that had Jaebum wishing he hadn’t spoken a word and just ignored him like all his initial instincts had told him to, “Wait- you have friends?”

Jaebum scoffed, offended and ever more annoyed, “Yes I do excuse you! I have two!”

Jackson cackled loudly in his ear before he moved to lean against the wall beside Jaebum, arm out to apparently hold the important responsibility of supporting his weight as he laughed, “Two?” He seemed to calm, expression turning serious. “I’m really sorry hyung but it’s just kind of sad that him and I are your only two friends.”

It was Jaebum’s turn to laugh, placing a patronizing hand on the boy’s head and ruffling his hair, “Oh no Jackson. I was talking about Jinyoung and Youngjae.”

Jackson slapped away his hand, eyebrows raised in disbelief, “You mean you don’t consider us friends? We eat dinner together all the time! I even gave you some of my lunch once!”

“Well to be fair I didn’t ask for it. You just couldn’t finish it and shoveled it in my bowl so the kitchen staff wouldn’t be offended by you not eating all of your meal,” Jaebum retorted, getting far too much delight from the way Jackson’s eyebrows pinched together when he was mad.

“Well I’m never so generously going to give you my food again!” Jackson huffed. “I only share with my friends.”

Jaebum bit his lip for a moment, pretending to consider his statement greatly, “Fine. I suppose I have three friends.” He wished he could say Jackson’s surprised but pleased smile didn’t make his concession worth it, but it really did. “Actually I guess I have four- if I include you I definitely need to include Mark too.”

Jackson rolled his eyes, “Fine Mark can count too I guess.” He turned back to the window, seemingly appeased. “Wait where did they go?”

Jaebum followed his gaze and sighed when he realised the pair were in fact out of sight, “Crap come on.” He grabbed Jackson’s arm and pulled him along. 

They found them, seated together on the warm grass and leaning over one of the books Mark had taken from the library.

“Oh my god they’re so cute,” Jackson exclaimed and Jaebum threw a hand over his mouth quickly, tugging them both behind a nearby picnic table. Jackson shoved his hand away when they were out of sight, turning back to watch them. Jaebum was thankful he hadn’t licked his hand or something to make him let go. That was one of Yugyeom’s usual defenses. “Hyung look how much Mark is smiling- how do we make this Jinyoung guy stay?”

Jaebum didn’t know how to answer. He had been witness to all of Jinyoung’s failed attempts at love, all of the times he had claimed to find ‘the one’ only for it to fall apart months later. He had been the one there to help clean up Jinyoung’s messes and hold in his frustration as Jinyoung decreed ‘the one’ was still out there waiting to be found. But then again he had never seen his friend smile like he was at Mark in that very moment.

Jackson ignored his silence, seemingly unperturbed by someone ignoring him and continued to speak quickly. “He’s friends with you isn’t he? So he’s gotta have something wrong with him up here,” He tapped his skull quickly and Jaebum almost missed the dig, mouth opening to protest but Jackson powered on. “I’m sure we can get him committed. My uncle practically owns the place after all.”

“Jackson!” Jaebum barked, swatting at his arm. “We’re not having my best friend committed- Wait your uncle owns the place?”

Jackson sighed, standing up and dusting the non-existent dirt off his jeans as the pair began to move back towards his building, “I guess we won’t get him committed then. You’re no fun. And yeah- why else would I have stayed here for so long? I’m not here for the company you know.” He considered his statement for a moment. “Although I will say it has improved a little recently.” 

Jaebum’s reply died in his mouth, mouth quickly turning down into a frown when Jackson laughed at his bewildered expression. They moved back inside where Jackson departed, decreeing he had a best friend to ‘boy talk’ with and Jaebum eventually found his own best friend. Jinyoung was standing by the dining hall, expression guilty and Jaebum assessed him sharply.

“So,” He began, nodding towards the clock. “You finally decided to show?” 

Jinyoung took a moment to look ashamed before he reached into his bag and pulled out a handful of new comics, “I come bearing gifts?”

Jaebum considered him for a moment, stretching out his opportunity to guilt the boy before he gave in and grabbed them, “Fine.”

 Jinyoung grinned, “Alright. So now that that’s all settled- what can you tell me about Mark Tuan?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MARKJIN MARKJIN MARKJIN!!! i tricked you all this isn't even a jackbum fic it's markjin mwahahaha - no i'm kidding it's definitely jackbum.. but markjin tho... ;)
> 
> anyway!!! i'll try to update again next week!! it's really hard to write and edit right now but i'm working on this whenever i can <3 please leave comments/kudos i love hearing from you guys!!! xxx


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiii friends!!! thanks again for reading i hope you enjoy!!

**Chapter 6.**

The next week went by much the same as the last. Jaebum bluffed his way through therapy sessions, hid out in the library with Mark and tried to ignore Jackson and his constant harassment. Bambam was missing from dinner one evening and Jackson informed them his grandparents were in town so he had been checked out for a few days to spend time with them. Jaebum couldn’t help but feel a little jealous Bambam was allowed to check out at all when he still had so long to go.

Jaebum was finally forced to face his family when his half hearted excuses and desperate protests failed to keep them at bay any longer. He was still half sure Jinyoung's macthing eagerness to visit came from his interest in seeing a certain American patient again.  So Jaebum sat, Youngjae at his side skimming through the comics Jaebum returned to him, and Yugyeom and their mother before him. His brother was tapping away aimlessly on his phone but his mother’s attention was inescapable.

“Are you eating well?” His mother asked, her brows raised and Jaebum nodded.

“Yes Mom.”

“How is your room? Is your bed alright?”

“It’s fine Mom.” 

“And your friends? Have you made any friends with anyone your age here?”

Jaebum held back a sigh, “Yes Mom.”

She watched him, eyes tracking his expressions carefully and a crinkle appeared between her brows, “Excuse me but I believed my eldest son might actually be happy to see his mother after almost three weeks apart.”

He sighed, running his hands over his face and tried to school his expression into a more respectful one, “Sorry I’m just tired.” He continued before she could ask. “The therapist doesn’t think that we’ve made ‘much major progress’ so he’s making me writing a diary about my day to day emotions and I stayed up late last night making up stuff to write in it because I forgot to do it.”

He avoided his mother’s frustrated frown and turned to Yugyeom but realised he was still on his phone, “Yah! You come to visit your big brother and you don’t even say hi! What could you possibly be looking at that’s so important?”

Yugyeom’s brows raised, throwing a significant look at Youngjae who was now fully absorbed in his comics but Jaebum ignored him. Yugyeom sighed heavily and tucked his phone back into his pocket before fully turning his attention to his brother, “Sorry hyung.”

“You’re lucky you’re my brother and I love you enough to forgive you, Yugyeomie,” Jaebum teased and grinned at his brother’s eye roll. “How is school?”

Yugyeom shrugged, “Okay.” Typical Yugyeom.

“Why come visit if you’re not going to talk to me?” He turned to their mother who was silently observing, clearly not surprised by their bickering. “Youngjae said you were doing well.”

“Ah yes of course you’ll listen to what Youngjae says-“ Yugyeom’s snide remark and Jaebum’s corresponding retort were cut off by the sharp squeak of chair legs against linoleum as their mother shoved her chair back.

“Youngjae you’ve been here before- care to show me around?” She asked briskly and Jaebum gulped at the sharp glare she threw them both. He watched them walk away, guilt stirring in his gut as he turned back to his brother.

“You better be behaving at home. I’m not there to help her-“

“I’m not doing anything!” Yugyeom protested, voice raising shrilly in a way that highlighted his youth. Jaebum couldn’t help feeling a little pleased that despite his ever-increasing height he was still the little kid he had grown up with.

“I’ve still got a lot of time here before I’m allowed out so you need to pull your own weight at home,” Jaebum ordered and Yugyeom nodded.

“Good thing I’ve been working out.”

Yugyeom pulled his legs out from under the table, just missing Jaebum’s annoyed kick and Jaebum swore when his shin hit the table leg. 

“You little shit,” Yugyeom’s childish giggle had him sighing. It was a hard life, that of the weary older brother. 

“Wait where’s Jinyoung?” Yugyeom asked, apparently only now noticing the older boy’s absence.

“Probably stalking the boy he met here last time,” Jaebum sighed. Jinyoung had hung around for about four minutes before Jaebum had grown tired of his drifting gaze and waved him off to find Mark. They could talk on the phone later anyway.

Yugyeom’s fake gag had other tables of visitors glancing at them and Jaebum shushed him, “Ew Jinyoung has a boyfriend? Why would anyone be interested in him?”

Jaebum couldn’t hold back his laughter, despite knowing he should probably tell Yugyeom off for his disrespectful words. He knew to expect it now and part of him had been relieved Jinyoung had left when he had because being in a room with the two of them was always a test on every present’s patience.

He couldn’t even remember the first time he met his best friend but he had heard the story from Jinyoung’s mother a hundred times over. The grumpy elderly couple who had lived in the apartment opposite them had finally moved out and Jaebum had spent the day constantly checking the hall through the door’s eyehole for any sight of their new neighbors. He and his mom had overheard the moving company talk about a couple and their kid moving in and his mother had told him he could make a new friend. His father had yelled at him to get away from the door and mind Yugyeom.

Their mother had been working and their father was on one of his ‘very important business phone calls’ that frequently seemed to occur whenever horse racing was on the television. At this point Jaebum had yet to work out this correlation, and it would be a few more years even after that before he realised that a five-year-old should not be solely responsible for his three-year-old brother. But his father was another matter that had his heart rate rising and Jaebum had been specifically ordered to avoid topics that challenged his ability to contain anger.

But Jaebum had been peeking out the apartment door, ignoring the persistent arguing of his father alternating between shouting into his phone and yelling at the television, when he caught sight of the boy, his parents and a pair of girls he discovered later to be his two older sisters.

He looked to be about Jaebum’s age. His hair was neatly combed back in a way that Jaebum’s mother always tried to do for him but he always failed to maintain with the commotion that always surrounded his toddler brother. He was bright eyed with a sweet smile and each of his hands clasped in one of his parents’ as he pulled them towards the door in excitement. But Jaebum was a shy kid, full of ample curiosity but not quite enough to have him introducing himself to a group of strangers. So he observed, smiled shyly at the family in the hall or lift, and stuck to himself.

It wasn’t until Jaebum’s first day of school, decked out in his excessively starched and pressed uniform and terrified but excited to begin his schooling that he met the boy. He and his mom were about to head down in the lift, his little hand sweaty but gripped firmly to his hers, when they heard a voice call “Hold the lift please!” Jaebum immediately pressed the button, smiling proudly at his mother who thanked him when his neighbor hurried into the lift. He was with both his parents, a too big backpack hitched over his shoulders and dwarfing him and in a matching uniform to Jaebum. 

“Oh!” The boy exclaimed, eyes crinkling up with his bright smile. “Is it your first day too?”

Jaebum nodded and with his mother’s proud gaze on him he felt suddenly confident, “We can sit together at lunch. I’m Im Jaebum.”

The boy’s smile somehow got brighter at that, “Park Jinyoung.” 

It didn’t take Jaebum too long to find out that underneath his perfect manners and neatly combed hair Jinyoung was just as much of a brat as his little brother, but by then Jinyoung knew Jaebum was just as much of a brat as his sisters. They became a pair. They would go to school together, seated together on the bus and talking about the TV shows they had watched together the previous night. They would meet up every break to share their lunches and complain about their teachers and siblings. They would catch the bus home together, go back to one of their apartments and stay there until their parents kicked them out before dinner. The memories he had of spending time with Jinyoung in that apartment almost had him missing it, despite everything else that had happened there. 

Jaebum sighed, dragging himself from his memories and looked up to see Yugyeom scanning the room.

“Is it really so bad here?” He asked, voice low but not low enough for Jaebum to miss the guilt threading it. His heart twisted in his chest and he nudged Yugyeom’s hand where it rested on the table.

“Why do you think it’s bad?” His voice even and careful to avoid any indication of the true answer.

Yugyeom rolled his eyes anyway, “You wouldn’t let us visit you for three weeks. I thought mom was going to pull her hair out every time you told her ‘next week’. She worries about you non-stop.”

Jaebum groaned, banging his head once against the tabletop, “That’s why I didn’t want you two coming here and seeing me stuck in this place.” He breathed out a heavy sigh. “It’s really not bad Yugyeom-ah but I hate being here when I know I should be out there taking care of you both.”

Yugyeom rolled his eyes again and Jaebum thought to himself that they were going to get stuck like that if he didn’t stop, “You’re never going to listen to us when we tell you to take care of yourself are you?”

Jaebum shook his head, feeling his lips curl up into a smile at Yugyeom’s frustrated laugh, “Come on I’ll show you around a bit while we wait for Mom and Youngjae to get back.”

They were heading outside, Jaebum hoping that maybe if he showed Yugyeom the patient’s gardening or the afternoon meditation he would tell their mother the place wasn’t as awful as they worried and she could stop worrying so much.

His plan of a peaceful, relaxing tour was interrupted when Jackson, clearly not meditating like he was supposed to be, caught sight of them and ran over. He groaned and Yugyeom eyed him in confusion. 

“Hyung!” Jackson yelled, reaching them within a moment and Jaebum had to fight the urge to run in the opposite direction. He braced himself. “Is this your brother?”

Yugyeom smiled, bowing politely and greeted him, “Im Yugyeom.”

Jackson grinned brightly, lopping one bare arm over Jaebum’s shoulder even though Jaebum had a good two inches on him and his shoulder jutted up at a sharp angle, “You probably already know who I am. I’m sure Jaebum talks about me a lot – I’m his best friend in here.” 

Jaebum wished he could say he hadn’t told Yugyeom a lot about Jackson but when he caught sight of Yugyeom’s knowing grin he could tell he knew exactly who he was. Jaebum really wished he was better at containing his rants about annoying people but alas he was not. He contained his sigh when he saw the mischievous glint in his brother’s eyes.

“Of course!” Jackson grinned brightly at Yugyeom’s own smile, completely unsuspecting. He should have known Jaebum’s brother would be an asshole. It ran in the family. “You must be Mark-ssi.” 

Jaebum’s surprised laugh was drowned out by Jackson’s insulted scoff and the arm warm around his shoulders was suddenly gone. He instead watched the boy storm off towards the building, sidestepping his frowning mother, a wide eyed Youngjae and a very red faced Jinyoung.

“Yugyeom what did you do to Mark’s friend?” Jinyoung quipped.

“Jinyoung what have you been doing to Mark?” Yugyeom replied just as quickly and Jaebum couldn’t even find it in himself to reprimand him, doubled over in laughter at the sound of Jinyoung’s choked cough and his mother’s disappointed frown. Youngjae grimaced, but Jaebum saw the laughter in his eyes.

Damn, he really did miss his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter should be up again next week!!! i get home just a bit after then so i'll try to get back to bi-weekly updates <3 
> 
> until them- hit me up on tumblr ([fight-me-jaebum ](http://fight-me-jaebum.tumblr.com)) or leave me some kudos/comments here!! every time someone leaves kudos/comments i actually cry of happiness just so u know ;) byee


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI THIS IS LATE IM SORRY PLZ ENJOY ANYWAY <3

**CHAPTER 7.**

Jaebum could be a very petty person sometimes, he was able to admit that much. He had once hidden Yugyeom’s favorite shirt for a month when Yugyeom wore one of his without asking and spilt coffee on it. Both he and Jinyoung had blocked each other’s phone numbers after a fight and it took them weeks to work out how to unblock each other even after they made up. Youngjae was one of the few people he knew who wasn’t petty and that was just because the boy would rather tell him to his face how annoying he was and be done with it. So Jaebum was very familiar with pettiness… But the way Jackson was behaving trumped all his expectations.

After he said goodbye to his family and promised his mother to call more regularly he made his way back to the patients’ ward, maybe hoping to tease Jackson about Yugyeom’s jokes some more or quiz Mark about his relationship with one special visitor. But when he entered and caught sight of Jackson, sitting on top of the nurses’ desk and clueless to the world as he chatted to a freshly reappeared Bambam. Jaebum sighed, if that had been anyone else he knew the nurse would have shooed them off in seconds but instead Jackson sat there chattering away brightly to his friend and she simply smiled at him. Jackson had everything so easy.

He strode up to the pair of them, going to welcome Bambam back and ask him how seeing his family was when Jackson looked up and spotted him. He stopped swinging his legs, turning his head back to Bambam and jumping off the desk.

“Hey Bambam my _best friend_  let’s go see Mark our other _best friend_  and you can catch him up with what you’ve been up to,” He decreed, grabbing Bambam by the arm and ignoring his confused protests as he dragged them away. “And there’s nobody else you need to catch up with because those are all of our  _best friends_. The three amigos! We don’t need anybody else.”

Jaebum huffed out a surprise, raising a disbelieving brow at the nurse. She didn’t even look up from her computer screen. Why did he even try?

Luckily for him it was late and there was only about an hour to kill before dinner where he could corner Jackson and force him to give up his insulted charade. All he had to do was find something to do to keep himself occupied until then.

That was easier said than done.

Jaebum went to the library. It was empty. The shelves clear of any intrusive and obnoxious people and the couch free for Jaebum to sit and relax in the peaceful quiet. It was boring.

Jaebum went to the garden. With the sun setting and the only sounds the hum of insects and the rustling of leaves in the evening breeze it was something Jaebum should have loved. Peaceful, cool and beautiful. It was super boring.

Jaebum went to the lounge area, hoping there would at least be something interesting on television for him to watch. Instead he found Mark, curled up on the main couch watching the broadcast of American CNN and when Jaebum asked if he could change it- maybe to something he could understand- Mark just stared at him until he left.

He. Was. Bored.

He wandered around the halls, aimless and bored and frustrated when he finally caught sight of a familiar figure leaning against the wall by the phone. He cheered internally, deciding after all of Jackson’s teasing the boy deserved to be surprised and he crept up quietly. Eyes scanning the hall for anyone else who may give him away he slid down behind a pot plant he was 89% sure was plastic and planned his attack. He was stuck between jumping out and yelling “WHERE ARE YOUR BEST FRIENDS NOW?” or simply jabbing him in the ribs to make him shriek when he realised the boy, with his back turned was actually using the phone.

“Tell Dad I’m fine,” Jackson said suddenly and Jaebum recognized emotion in his tone that he hadn’t heard him use before. Gone was the chirpy, sarcastic and blasé boy he had come to know. “Why are you talking to me about it if you’re not going to trust me? Why wouldn’t you just call the doctors?”

Jaebum crouched in place, realizing he really shouldn’t be here but before he could make his escape Jackson turned and leant back against the wall. Jaebum was only a few feet to his right and he knew that if he moved Jackson would easily see him in his peripheral vision. He didn’t know what was worse? Eavesdropping on what seemed to be a very private and tense phone call without Jackson knowing, or interrupting said phone call to run away. So he stayed in place, debating silently his next move and praying for the earth to open him and swallow him whole.

“It’s not your fault,” And Jaebum winced at the words he himself had said so many times to his mother. Jackson’s voice wavered and he turned back towards the phone, huddled over and speaking softly, and Jaebum took his opportunity to run.

He wanted to push all thoughts of the little snippet of conversation he had witnessed out of his head. Jackson was a loud person but he revealed remarkably little for someone who was always speaking. He was outgoing and obnoxious and kind, but very private and it wasn’t until Jaebum had heard things he had no right to that he really understood this.

Jaebum hid his information though silence, by ignoring people’s too intrusive questions and refusing to reveal too much of himself. Jackson was much smarter in how he went about protecting his privacy, deflecting people’s concern with jokes and teasing grins but never revealing too much of himself in the process. Jaebum had known him weeks and within that time he could swear the boy hadn’t once stayed silent longer than Jaebum could count to ten. But when he really thought about it he didn’t know anything about Jackson and it wasn’t his place to know more about him, despite his curiosity.

He had his own secrets he would rather keep hidden too.

He gave up searching for entertainment after that and made his way to the dining hall early to wait for dinner. He rested his forehead against the table, deciding the rest his eyes after a very long day and woke to the sound of Jackson’s voice.

“What are you doing?”

He jolted awake, knees slamming into the bottom of the table and he cursed before looking up, gaze challenging, “What does it look like I’m doing?”

Jackson shrugged and hummed vaguely, giving Jaebum enough time to notice the other two were already seated down next to him and eating their meals happily. Jackson held two trays in his hands and Jaebum’s expression brightened.

“Is one of those for me?” He asked, trying not to sound too hopeful.

“I don’t know- I was thinking of getting a tray for my friends but it turns out Mark and Bambam already have their food-“ He spoke over Bambam’s quiet remark that Jackson himself had brought them their trays of food and Jaebum held in a groan. “So I wasn’t quite sure what to do.”

“Yugyeom was just teasing you Jackson,” He sighed, shoving his messy hair back off his forehead. “Besides it’s not my fault he’s a little shit." 

Jackson sighed dramatically, sliding the extra tray across the table to Jaebum and placing his own before him, “Well I suppose I shouldn’t let good food go to waste.” Jaebum shot him his best smile, eyes winking closed and teeth bared. “Stop looking pretty and eat your damn food.”

Jaebum ducked his head down, face flushed for a reason he didn’t want to linger on and he ate his meal.

* * *

Jaebum thought he was going to be the reason Dr Jeon retired prematurely. The man who had begun their sessions so calm and confident now stared at him, left eye twitching slightly and his note pad forgotten in his lap.

It wasn’t that Jaebum had a problem with authority or an innate need to piss of therapists but he couldn’t help the satisfaction that grew with every frustrated sigh that left the man’s mouth. He didn’t like having people forcing him to open up. He didn’t like people feeling like they had a right to his history or his innermost thoughts. He had opened up to very few people in his life and too many of them had come back to bite him for his trust, for him to want to open up with this stranger.

“The most personal information you’ve shared with me is your brother’s first name. You fall asleep during meditation. Group therapy and gardening just make you angrier and when I asked you to write me a journal on your week you brought me a food diary,” His voice was flat, an eyebrow raised and Jaebum struggled not to grin.

“And an itinerary,” Jaebum amended, trying to keep his voice as toneless but he could clearly feel the smirk that had slipped onto his face against his will.

“You do know this isn’t a joke don’t you?” The man checked, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “You are not here by choice but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take your treatment seriously.”

Jaebum raised a brow and remained silent.

“We need to try something new,” The man finally concluded, leaning back in his seat and clasping his hands together in the promise of a solution. “How do you feel about the arts?”

* * *

 

Jaebum’s first music session was strange. He had never seriously pursued anything in music, focusing more on dance and sport while growing up. Sure he had learnt a little piano as a kid and still occasionally sung in the shower, but he had already drawn enough ire of his fellow student body in high school without adding the attention that came with being in a choir.

He found solace in the fact he was not the only one to have to try the therapy though. Mark had nodded when he’d spoken about it briefly at dinner, mentioning it in passing when Jackson asked everyone’s schedule for the next day.

“They made me do it a couple months ago,” Mark picked at his meal, frowning as he thought. “I think maybe 6 months ago?

Jaebum’s brows rose, “You think 6 months ago?

Mark just nodded, “Yeah I mean my depression is cyclical. I’ve been in and out of here so many times its sort of hard to remember which therapy they tried per visit.” He didn’t look up and he was glad because Jaebum knew his expression was still one of shock. He had gathered that Mark’s issue was major but he had never fully grasped how long he had struggled with it. Even more surprising so was the fact that he was the first of them to mention so casually his reason for being hospitalized. Mark turned to Jackson, seemingly unfazed by Jaebum’s shock. “Jackson did they ever make you do it?”

Jackson shook his head, “No I told them I was already skilled enough and if I added being a kickass musician to my list of talents it wouldn’t be fair to others.” Bambam laughed at Jackson shoved at his shoulder. “Why are you laughing? What are you trying to imply?”

So Jaebum went on with his music sessions. There was a lot of it he hated, the woman’s long rambles about ‘healing yourself by bringing the music into your soul’ and letting it ‘flow through you and find your hurt’ having him rolling his eyes. But when he was free to work on his own he found some peace in his fingers slowly relearning how to glide along the piano keys and his voice growing strong once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay! so i'm back home now so my updates should become a lot more regular from this point (twice a week hopefully!) but anyway i hope you enjoyed this chapter!! i know it's a bit of a filler one but i promise next chapter... drama *eye emoji*
> 
> BYE!! LEAVE COMMENTS/KUDOS 2 MAKE ME HAPPY!! THANKS FOR READING <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS MY FAVOURITE CHAPTER SO FAR IM EXCITED TO FINALLY POST IT!!! I HOPE U ENJOY <3

**CHAPTER 8.**

Unfortunately for Jaebum when Dr Jeon said to “the arts” he wasn’t only referring to those of a musical nature. He watched on in horror as Jackson carefully twisted and wrapped rubber bands around the baggy white t-shirt he had stolen from Mark’s closet and covered in bright pink, purple and yellow dye. He had forgone the gloves the crafts coordinator had advised them they must all use and within seconds Jackson’s hands were dyed a rainbow of colors and he didn’t even seem to notice.

“So this is why you’re always covered in dye,” Jaebum nodded from where he was sitting, very carefully following the knitting instructions in the book set up before him.

“You’ve got make sacrifices for art sometimes hyung,” Jackson said seriously, considering the shirt carefully for a moment before shoving it in a zip lock bag to allow the dye to set.

“She said they have gloves-“

“Gloves create a barrier between you and your creations!” Jackson widened his eyes dramatically, using a nearby marker to neatly print his name on the bag before beginning to wipe the excess dye from his hands. It was useless as it had already sunk in but he seemed satisfied. Jaebum missed a stitch and he cussed loudly, earning himself a glare from the woman now leading the younger patients in their painting activity. “It’s important to feel connected to what you’re bringing into the world.”

Jaebum eyed him warily once he had fixed his mistake, “I can’t tell if you’re being serious anymore and it’s worrying.” Jackson sighed but turned back to the doll he had been working on earlier. “You know most of us just make one thing at a time-“

“Well I’m not most people am I!” Jackson argued, moving from his seat to the equipment trolley where he began digging through the mountain of art supplies.

The doll was admittedly almost done. It was just a small thing made of muslin and not much bigger than Jaebum’s hands. He had watched the boy stuff it carefully at the start of the session and borrowed some of his wool to sow in for hair. It was amateur and the clothes Jackson had made for it looked more like the scrap fabric they were made from than real clothes but Jaebum could admit it was pretty good, even if something about it seemed strangely familiar. All that was left to do were its face and some small touchups.

Jaebum groaned when Jackson returned holding two containers of glitter.

“Hyung!” He whined, standing before Jaebum and offering the two to him. “Do you think white or silver glitter is best for the twinkle in the doll’s eyes?”

Jaebum sighed, “Jackson they look the exact same.”

Jackson rolled his eyes, pointing at the labels, “No but look it clearly says here this one is ‘white’ and this one is ‘silver’. They’re different.”

“They’re identical Jackson,” Jaebum replied, barely glancing up from his knitting.

“Fine well I’ll use silver because there’s more of it and if it looks bad you’re the only one to blame hyung,” Jackson placed the other tube next to the doll and Jaebum’s ball of wool on their bench. He hummed under his breath, gathering his supplies and fiddling with the glitter’s lid. He sighed when it stuck, unable to get it to pop open easily and Jaebum watched on in horror when it finally opened and flung glitter over both of them and all over his knitting.

“Jackson what the hell!” Jaebum cried, jumping up from his seat and ignoring the craft leader’s disappointed sigh at his choice of words. She hadn’t just been glitter bombed. She didn’t understand. It covered his hands, his pants and most importantly the small square of knitting he had spent the entire session making. “You ruined my knitting!” Jaebum knew deep down how silly he sounded but he couldn’t help the way his blood boiled when he considered the time he had wasted.

“I didn’t ruin it! It’s just glittery now… I think it looks pretty,” Jackson said sheepishly, leaning over to dust some of the glitter from his shirt. Jaebum glared at him and he removed his hand carefully.

“Jackson I was trying to make a scarf.”

“And?”

“I can’t use it now!” Jaebum argued and Jackson sighed.

“Hyung the idea that men can’t wear pretty things is incredibly outdated-“

Jaebum groaned, pressing his hands sharply to his eyes and unwilling to listen to Jackson’s rant. He cut him off eventually with a quiet mumble, frustration seeping into his tone, “Why do you have to be so careless? Now I’m going to have to start all of this again.”

Jackson paused in his talking, mouth opening wordlessly a few times and turned back to his doll. He ignored his hyung and resumed his decorating. The rest of the session was sent mostly in silence, Jaebum glaring at his discarded square of hard work as he restarted his next one.

It wasn’t until the very end that Jackson turned back to him, holding the doll up to his face and Jaebum realised why it had seemed so eerily familiar. The doll was of him, he now realised. From his clothes, the black shorts and t-shirt, to the black hair that never sat flat, to the two moles carefully painted above the eyes. The tiny specs of glitter on the eyes glinted in the light and Jaebum’s voice caught in his throat at the obvious care taken. That was until he noticed the frown, clearly drawn on quickly with the dark gray pencil.

“Look it’s you,” Jackson stated, lip jutting out in a pout and Jaebum felt his hand reach out to hold it.

“It’s really good,” He said quietly, uncomfortable guilt settling in his stomach. “I’m sorry for snapping at you.”

Jackson’s eyebrows sprung up, eyes wide as he blurted out, “You can have it if you want.”

Jaebum was still smiling at the doll, gently running a thumb over the carefully painted moles, “Really? But you spent so long on it. Don’t you want to add it to your collection or whatever? You must have Bambam and Mark dolls too, right?”

Jackson cleared his throat sharply, ears burning red, “Uh right- no don’t worry no it’s fine.” He snatched the doll back quickly and Jaebum watched on curiously as he turned his back to him. “Just wait.”

So Jaebum waited, eventually cleared up his knitting needles and wool and returned them to the instructor. He grabbed the equipment Jackson was finished with and finished tidying up the workstation until Jackson finally finished.

He was holding the doll up for Jaebum to see, smiling proudly.

“I fixed it.”

And in place of the scowl there was a small smile on the doll’s face. Jaebum’s own surprised smile had Jackson’s ears burning red again.

* * *

As they headed out of the room Jaebum spotted Jinyoung down the hall, leaning against the wall coolly as he chatted to a smiling Mark and Jaebum barked out a laugh at his friend’s appearance. He strode over to them, bumping into Jinyoung’s side and surprising his friend.

“Mark!” Jackson greeted brightly, shoving his way in between the pair and Jaebum held back a bark of laughter at Jinyoung’s miffed expression. “What have we here? You must be _the_ Park Jinyoung I’ve heard so much about!”

Jinyoung nodded, politely introducing himself to Mark’s friend and Jackson was thrilled.

“I hear you’re one of Jaebum-hyung’s two friends,” Jackson said smoothly and Mark’s quiet chuckle was overpowered by Jinyoung’s snigger. Jaebum’s glare moved around all three of them, unable to decide which one of them he hated the most before he decided he could hate them all equally.

“Actually-“ Jinyoung began and Jaebum stood straighter at that tone. That tone meant trouble. “I’ve heard that hyung’s made a few new friends while he’s been here.” He threw an overt wink at Jaebum that had his glare tightening even further.

“Jinyoung-ah,” Jaebum said quickly, gesturing with one hand to the boy’s outfit. “Why are you wearing a Captain America shirt?”

Jinyoung just raised his eyebrows in challenge, clearly not expecting him to actually do anything, “What do you mean hyung? Why would there be a problem with me wearing this shirt?”

Jaebum heard Mark’s quiet mumble of “I like Captain America” and grinned to himself. Jackson just watched on curiously, silent for once.

“Ah no of course not Jinyoung-ah! I just swear I remember you saying you were Team Ironman? Isn’t it you who owns every Iron Man movie on Blu-ray? And I swear you had a poster of him hanging in your room until about 5 months ago?” He smiled innocently at Jinyoung, heart singing at the chance to embarrass his friend back.

But Jinyoung just tilted his head, looking between Mark and Jaebum before opening his mouth to say the words that had Jaebum almost falling over.

“I like American now,” Jinyoung stated. In perfect English. Jaebum thought he was hallucinating.

But he heard Jackson’s choked gasp and witnessed Mark’s face flush bright red and glared at Jinyoung and the pleased smirk that rested easily on his face. Jaebum knew without a doubt what that smirk meant. ‘Really Jaebum?’ Jinyoung was thinking. ‘You really thought that would work?’ He hated his friends.

He was thankful when Jackson eventually coughed, clearing his throat and latching onto Mark’s side, with a whine that he needed to talk to the boy quickly. Jaebum was relieved when he dragged the older boy away, not even giving Jinyoung a moment to say a proper goodbye.

“Come on your brother’s outside chatting to this Thai kid Mark introduced us to. Let’s go get him before they team up to ruin our lives,” Jaebum just raised an eyebrow, ignoring his weak attempt of a distraction.

“Jinyoung-ah what the fuck was that?”

Jinyoung just grinned, eyes bright and hopeless as he nudged Jaebum in the side, “Do you think he liked it? I’ve been practicing.”

“You have been-“ Jaebum paused, watching him carefully. “You really do like him don’t you? I never even knew you were interested in guys.” He shoved Jinyoung’s side. “What the fuck else have you been keeping from me you brat?”

Jinyoung sighed, “I don’t know! I never thought about it- I mean I thought about it- when you know you told me about you but I never-“ Jinyoung paused and leant back against the wall beside Jaebum, trying to organize his thoughts. “I’ve never met anyone like him before. Everything is different with him.”

“I’ve heard you say that before,” Jaebum said quietly, hesitant to say much more but knowing he needed to. “This isn’t even the first time you’ve pursued someone like this.”

“I know,” Jinyoung had the decency to look a little embarrassed. “You and I both know I’ve made mistakes but you know that I only have made them because I have been searching for someone like him. I really really like him hyung. We talk about our lives and who we are and who we want to be and I make him smile and when I make him smile it’s the best feeling I’ve ever had.”

Jaebum paused, “And you’re sure that’s not just because-“ He gestured to his head and Jinyoung shook his.

“It’s not because of his depression hyung. This is bigger than that,” He stood, gesturing for Jaebum to join him as they walked towards the exit. “Just trust me okay. He’s different. It’s real this time.”

Jaebum nodded, “Just know if you hurt him you’re going to have more than just Jackson to deal with.”

They laughed together and Jinyoung grinned, “You too? I knew you had made some real connections in here.”

Jaebum flushed, shoving away his friend and his leer, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Jinyoung fished around his back, pulling out the doll Jackson had just gifted him from under his arm, “Oh really? And what is this exactly? You made this for yourself then?” Jaebum groaned. “Because I knew you were a little self absorbed but I had no idea it had gotten this bad. Are you making sure they’re giving you therapy for that too?”

“It’s nothing! He’s just-“ Frustrating and annoying and loud and obnoxious and funny and caring and passionate and everything Jaebum wished he was but failed to be. “He’s just some kid who never shuts up and hangs around me.”

Jinyoung looked unconvinced, “Right. And that’s why you never shut up about him.”

Jaebum’s stomach turned, embarrassed when he realized Jinyoung was right and ashamed he had allowed himself to be so transparent with his emotions. He couldn’t help making the same mistakes, over and over.

“Well what am I supposed to talk about?” Jaebum defended and they had almost reached the end of the hall. He would be relieved to get Jinyoung out of his hair but he couldn’t have his friend telling Yugyeom, Youngjae or Mark about this too. Soon everyone would know and Jaebum would be back in the same position he was in months ago. “I’m stuck in here with a bunch of crazies so what if I have to find someone to talk to, otherwise I’m going to go as mad as the rest of them. I’ve got another month and this’ll all be in the past but at least for now he’s entertaining to hang around.”

The words felt bitter coming out of his mouth but his stomach turned more at the idea of admitting the truth.

But his best friend saw through his weak excuses, turning back to him as he opened the door and hand freezing on it when he caught sight of the pair standing just behind them.

“I-“ Mark’s voice was quiet, almost as quiet as it had been when they first met. “I just thought we should say a proper good bye.”

Jaebum’s eyes closed, already knowing who ‘we’ referred to but terrified to turn around and have his worst fears confirmed. He couldn’t bear to witness the effect of his careless words.

But that didn’t mean he couldn’t still hear the squeak of Jackson’s shoes as he stormed away and the angry sigh of Mark, the perfect and genuine friend, before he turned and hurried after him.

“Fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drama!! fluff and ANGST! careless jaebum! AH!! 
> 
> sooooooo i hope you guys are enjoying this! leave comments/kudos and i'll try to post the next chapter in a few days <3 thanks again!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi hi~

**CHAPTER 9.**

The silence surrounding Jaebum was unnerving. Surrounded by the vacuum of his room with only the scratch of pages turning, his quiet breathing and the ticking of the clock disrupting the air. There was no Bambam singing under his breath as he flipped through his schoolwork or complaining about Jackson’s overbearing care. There was no Mark murmuring little commentaries to his books or humming when Jaebum made a comment to him. There was no Jackson shoving into the space beside him to read over his shoulder, slapping his arm when he turned the pages too quickly no matter how many times he told him he didn’t even know the story and missing a few sentences was not going to hurt his understanding any further.

Jaebum closed his book, humming to himself just to fill the quiet as he stood up.

His bag still sat tucked in the corner by his dresser, but now was completely empty apart from the few clothes he had yet to have need for. The rest had gradually migrated from their place safe in his bag to the dresser and drawers he had been provided. Jaebum’s gaze lingered on the dresser before he looked it away. His bedside table was full of comics and resting on top sat his glasses case. He knew next to the sink in the bathroom his contact lenses case and various other toiletries would be scattered across the counter. The shelf above his bed that had once been strikingly bare now held a collection of things he had unintentionally gathered over the past month. A key chain with a cute little cat Youngjae had given him last visit, with a bright smile because “I saw this and thought it might remind you of Nora.” A few books Mark had assured him he must read, stacked up and ready for his appraisal and commentary. A photo of his mom and brother that Jinyoung had shoved in his hands with a, “I know you miss them even if you can’t admit it.” And next to it all, making his heart clench and his guilt tenfold, sat Jackson’s doll with its sparkling eyes and smile taunting him.

Jackson wasn’t speaking to him, as he knew he rightfully deserved. He had spoken rashly and ignorantly. It may have all been lie but Jackson didn’t know there was no heart behind those words and it didn’t give Jaebum the right to be so insensitive either way. It was made even worse because he knew a few weeks ago the words would not have been a lie coming from his lips.

Jinyoung had run after them, catching Mark when he lost track of Jackson and Jaebum had to listen to beginnings of the pairs first argument before Mark dragged them into a room to talk in private. He knew they had reconciled, but his friend had not been eager to talk when he walked by him on his way out. Simply telling him to ‘fix this’ before finding Yugyeom and heading home. He knew how he made Jinyoung look, friends with a jerk wasn’t exactly how he wanted to be seen by Mark and he hoped he hadn’t damaged his friend’s chances too much. Jinyoung already cared about Mark a lot and Jaebum didn’t think he’d forgive himself, nor would Jinyoung easily forgive him, if he’d damaged their relationship beyond repair.

He hadn’t managed to speak to Mark or Bambam yet, one glare from his elder had made it clear how unwelcome his weak apologies would be. Bambam he couldn’t find it within himself to approach. He knew word of his insensitive comments would have reached him. The boy was his junior, someone he was supposed to be a role model for. He was supposed to set a good example like he had tried to for Yugyeom. But he had managed yet again to ruin that in a matter of seconds. He hadn’t stuck to only hurting Jackson and his words shamed him.

There was a knock on the door and in his hurry to answer it he didn’t take a moment to realise who it would be.

His face fell at the sight of the nurse, smiling brightly at him, “I’m here to accompany you to your appointment with Dr Jeon?”

* * *

 

“So I’ve been told you’ve made good progress in the music sessions and have been enjoying crafts,” The therapist said, smiling gently at Jaebum.

“They’re both fine,” Jaebum replied shortly, wishing to be anywhere but in the man’s office.

“Which have you found you enjoy more?” Dr Jeon asked, making notes on his pad about what Jaebum could not begin to guess. He had spoken about eight words in the fifteen minutes of the session but the pen hadn’t stopped moving once.

“I don’t know,” Jaebum replied tiredly, running his hand over his eyes. He heard Dr Jeon call his name and he sighed, looking up at the man.

“Are you alright?” Jaebum’s brows raised at the unusual question. “You seem… Down.”

Jaebum rolled his eyes, “I seem ‘down’.” He huffed at the words. “Wow I cannot imagine why I would feel down when I’m in this fucking hospital against my will, unable to take care of my family and having to answer condescending questions from a guy whose best advice for dealing with all of life’s problems is ‘go and sing about it’ or ‘paint a pretty picture’ or ‘plant some fucking flowers’.” Jaebum felt his eyes burn and he choked back a frustrated cry. “No- I’m not okay. And I don’t understand how sitting in this room and watching you take notes about how the three words I say in our hour long sessions tell you I’m not fit to return to my family and get out of this awful place forever!”

He breathed heavily for a moment, surprising even himself at his outburst. He felt Dr Jeon clear his throat and a sense of shame quickly blanketed him.

“I’m sorry for speaking so disrespectfully I-“

“It’s fine,” Dr Jeon smiled at him and Jaebum realised the man actually might be able to be considered handsome by some. Under his serious brow and wild beard lay soft eyes and a kind smile. “You don’t get far in this profession without being able to handle someone yelling at you.”

Jaebum hung his head regardless, “May I return to my room?”

The therapist considered him for a moment, his pen hovering over the paper, “We’re only 20 minutes into your session.”

“Please?”

The question hung in the air for a moment and Jaebum stared at his hands.

“Fine.”

He looked up in surprise, a shocked burst of air leaving his mouth before he stood, thanked the man and headed for the door. A nurse accompanied him back to the patient wing, not asking any questions but clearly curious why the session ended so early. Jaebum was relieved to close the door on him. Facing his room, the same landscape he’d been staring at for the past day, he came to the definite conclusion that he needed to fix things. Immediately. He could not handle another day of solitude. He could not handle eating alone and guiltily watching his friends from across the hall another night.

He considered calling Jinyoung, he had witnessed it himself after all. But Jaebum knew Jinyoung was just as bad at apologies as he was and he figured he would be more of a hindrance than a help. Plus he decided seeking his own friends’ advice would be less helpful than if he sought advice from those who knew Jackson best.

He found Mark in the library, curled up around a new book and looking exactly how he had the first time Jaebum met him. He didn’t even look up when Jaebum stood before him, not even after he called his name and somehow that made him feel worse than if he had stormed off without giving Jaebum a moment to speak. He wasn’t even worthy of such an effort.

“I understand if you don’t want to talk to me but at least hear me out,” Jaebum began, figuring it was the best he was going to get. Mark stayed silent so he continued. “I fucked up. I said things that were hurtful and insensitive because I’m an idiot-“

 “Obviously,” Mark muttered, still not looking up from his book.

“Obviously,” Jaebum agreed. “But I need to apologise and I’m so incredibly sorry.”

It took Mark a moment to react, sighing softly and closing his book. “I don’t care Jaebum.” He brushed his hair back, looking up at Jaebum with his voice even. “It’s not my feelings you should be so worried about. I’ve got thick skin- it sort of comes with the territory. Being indifferent to whether or not you’re alive makes it sort of easy to not care when people say stupid ignorant shit about your illness-“

Jaebum gulped when Mark paused, looking contemplative.

“But I have a life out there as well as one in here. I have Jackson and Bambam as well as my parents and my brother and my friends and now Jinyoung too. I have people who support me even when I can’t understand why they would. Jackson has been living here since he was seventeen and was in and out of here for years before that. I don’t remember the last time he saw his parents and while he may act like nothing really bothers him it should be obvious if you know him at all, that that isn’t the truth.”

“Jackson doesn’t let people in easily… So to have you turn around and prove to him again why he shouldn’t trust people is a really shitty thing to do. It’s not me you should be apologizing to,” Mark sighed. “Fuck maybe Jackson is right and being here is working because this is the first time I’ve felt real anger in about three months.”

“I think it’s the most words I’ve ever heard you say too,” Jaebum replied weakly, almost comforted by the fond eye roll it earned him. “So what do I do?”

“I don’t know,” Mark stated plainly. “Jackson is an affectionate person. Maybe you should begin with giving up on your stone faced uncaring crap and show him you actually care about him, because he sure as hell doesn’t think you do right now.”

Jaebum’s talk with Mark left him feeling like a complete and utter asshole, but it also gave him an idea. He thanked the boy before hurrying off to begin.

One problem with his plan was he wasn’t allowed into the craft supplies without supervision and the next craft session wasn’t for days. He lingered around the nurse’s desk, considering his options before marching up to the nurse who escorted him back to his room and asked to see the therapist. He saw the surprise and confusion on the man’s face but it was worth it when they managed to squeeze him in for a quick appointment.

So he made his way to Dr Jeon’s office, hurrying through the door and smiling for the first time at the sight of the man.

“I need another art session today,” He practically ordered, watching the man’s eyebrows rise in surprise. “It’s helping with my treatment.”

Dr Jeon eyed him warily, “I can’t just give you access to knitting and sowing needles simply because you tell me you want them. They are classed as dangerous equipment after all.”

Jaebum rolled his eyes. Of course it couldn’t be that easy. He was going to have to actually tell the therapist about himself. The man who he had spent the past month trying to frustrate and ignore and hide everything about himself from. He would have to share with him personal information about his life and the thought of doing so had Jaebum feeling ill. He looked down at his firmly grasped hands, huffing in surprise when he noticed the light catching on a tiny fleck of glitter clinging to his skin.

So he told him.

He told the man about Jackson and Jinyoung and his teasing and the crafting session and the hallway conversation and revealed more of himself to a practical stranger than he had ever done in retelling one simple story. Dr Jeon just listened to him silently, pen lying flat on his pad and considering him for a moment after Jaebum finished. Then he nodded once.

“I’ll ask the on call nurse to monitor you using the craft equipment. Don’t make me regret this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JAEBUMS GOT A PLAAAAN!!!! GONNA FIX JACKSON'S BROKEN HEART!!!! (HOPEFULLYY!!!) 
> 
> NEXT CHAPTER SHOULD BE UP IN 3/4 DAYS!! WE'RE ALMOST HALF WAY YOU GUYS WTF!! 
> 
> ALSO this fic hit 200 kudos!! thank you much to everyone reading/leaving comments/kudos it's so lovely to have your support <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *starts singing halfway there by big time rush*

**CHAPTER 10.**

Sowing was a lot more difficult than Jaebum had been lead to believe. He followed the templates carefully, tried to keep his stitches neat and even and double-checked, triple-checked and quadruple-checked the instructions. Despite this he wasn’t particularly proficient and stabbed himself with the needle a few more times than ideal. But he did manage to get there in the end.

It was a little lopsided and Jaebum may have failed to fully stuff one of the feet but it was the best he could do with little practice and a short time frame. He did take extra care with the final presentation though. He considered the clothes for a moment, deciding his first attempt of a scarf could be converted into a little sweater with a little attention. The pants he cut from the scrap cloth, just a pair of baggy jean looking things he figured would have to do. It wasn’t until he got to the face that he paused, grabbing a little piece of wool and tying it around the doll’s head, resting just under it’s woolen fringe. Once it was secure he sighed, grabbing glitter from the trolley of equipment and carefully gluing it on because if either of them had eyes that twinkled it was definitely Jackson.

He was a little too proud of the end product in all its hand made glory. He had to avoid the nurse’s judgmental gaze when he held it up triumphantly. It was then, smiling at this childish but heartfelt creation that he realised what he should have weeks ago.

Jackson was much more to him than some weird, loud kid who made Jaebum laugh. He was more than just a friend. He was a lot more.

“Oh sh-“ He cut himself off at the sharp tsk of the nurse. He smiled sheepishly, stomach still fluttering at his sudden realization. “Oh shoot.”

* * *

 

Once the gift was made, finding Jackson was another problem entirely. Jaebum realised that standing in the garden and it was made clearer in the dining room, in the library and in the patients’ wards. He didn’t know anywhere else in the facility apart from the therapists’ offices and there was no way to search for him there. Jackson wasn’t anywhere he looked for him and he’d circled the building twice.

Mark was no use, shrugging vaguely but Jaebum noticed his slight smile when he caught sight of the doll he carried under one arm.

Bambam he found in the library, panicked over a school assignment and Jaebum approached him hesitantly to give him the apology he deserved. Bambam accepted it with a stressed smile and hug and Jaebum tried to do what he could to help him with his work before he left him be. It began to help mend the guilt he carried around with him, even if he was pretty sure he had done nothing actually useful in his attempt at helping Bambam. He was never a particularly big fan of school work.

He finally cornered Jackson outside of the dining hall before dinner, waiting around the corner for his arrival and almost jumping when Jackson appeared from a door he had never paid notice to. The door read STAFF ACCESS ONLY and Jaebum didn’t know why he was surprised to see Jackson’s overlooking such clear instructions. He hurried out from his spot, grabbing the boy by his arm and tugging him back away from the dining room door despite his annoyed protests.

“What?” Jackson snapped when they finally stood still, eyes challenging his and Jaebum was suddenly at loss for words. Mark had told him apologizing wasn’t enough. He needed to show he cared and he needed to show his affection. But Jaebum wasn’t good at showing affection- his own brother could barely tell the difference between his version of supportive feedback and harsh criticism. And this wasn’t Yugyeom, it was Jackson and the fresh realization of the significance of the boy to him had his tongue as heavy as lead in his mouth.

But actions spoke louder than words, he had been told at least, so he thrust the doll out.

Jackson stared at him for a moment, eyes flicking between his flushed face and his offering before he reached and took it from his hands.

“Is this… Me?” He ran his fingers over the sweater, chuckling slightly when he noticed the doll’s unstuffed foot.

“I’m not very good at sowing-“ Jaebum started, voice choked and his stomach squirming uncomfortably.

“It’s amazing,” Jackson laughed, pausing when he noticed the headband. “I’m wearing my headband?”

Jaebum shrugged, embarrassment only growing when he admitted, “It was what you were wearing the first time we met.”

Jackson stared at him before looking down at it once more, tone incredulous when he spoke, “I knitted it in crafts… Bambam said it looked dumb so I stopped wearing it.”

“Bambam’s a little brat,” Jaebum muttered.

“Very true,” Jackson looked up at him, his gaze sharp once more. “So what is this about then?”

Jaebum held back a groan, of course it wouldn’t be as easy as offering one thing and everything returning to normal. If only everyone could just accept his struggle communicating and just move on. But he had to say this, Jackson deserved for him to actually try.

“I’m sorry. I knew what I was saying was awful and wrong and you didn’t deserve for me to say it- none of you did.”

Jackson nodded, “Right.”

Jaebum bit his tongue for a moment, trying to plan his next words, “So I’m sorry for hurting you. I already apologized to Bambam and Mark and he yelled at me for a good five minutes so-“

“Mark yelled at you?” Jackson looked almost impressed, and even a bit flattered. “He’s so sweet.”

“Well anyway-“ Jaebum cleared his throat, eyes glued to the floor as he spoke quickly. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I was ignorant and judgmental and I said things I knew were wrong and hurtful to try and get Jinyoung to back off. But you deserve much better and if you’ll forgive me I promise I will never hurt you like that again.”

He looked up to see a pleased smile tugging on Jackson’s lips, “You can’t criticize us crazies anymore, you know?” Jaebum nodded. “You’re one of us now.”

Jaebum let out a long-suffering sigh, “Well I suppose I can learn to live with that.”

“Good!” They held each other’s gaze for a moment, Jackson smirking and Jaebum finding himself drawn in by it. His stomach turned and he mentally cursed himself for taking this long to realise the obvious. But it was Jackson who broke the stillness with a sudden nod and with the matter settled grabbed him by the elbow and tugged him towards the dining hall once more. “Because Bambam’s planning a spooky sleepover for after he gets this assignment done and I need someone to help me brainstorm ways to scare him.”

* * *

 

Jaebum woke hours past curfew to the sound of persistent tapping on his door. He schooled his smile into a confused frown before he opened it.

“Jackson?” He said, arms outstretched in an exaggerated yawn. “What are you doing here?”

Jackson was cocooned in his comforter, little visible but his face and the pair of slippers Jaebum could see peeking out from underneath it. The boy slipped one hand out to slap at his him, “Hyung! I know you haven’t forgotten already- I reminded you after dinner. Come on Mark and Bambam are already waiting.”

Jaebum fought down his grin, dragging his feet as he headed to his bed to gather his own comforter and pillow. He turned, shoving past Jackson and whispered quietly, “Where’s your pillow?”

Jackson shrugged, shooting Jaebum his best smile with his eyes crinkling up nicely, “I guess I forgot it- but maybe hyung would let me share his?”

With his emotions blocking up his airway and his stomach flipped upside down Jaebum could do little but sigh and shrug, trying to block out Jackson’s soft cheer at his reluctant acceptance.

They arrived to find the library dimly lit and Jaebum followed after Jackson, careful not to trip on the comforter trailing out like a train behind him. Jaebum rolled his eyes at the way his face warmed at the clear indication of the boy’s shorter height. He was embarrassing himself now. Mark and Bambam were already huddled up on the floor, surrounded by blankets and pillows they had brought from their own rooms. Bambam held a flashlight under his chin, pulling what Jaebum gathered he must think to be scary faces as Mark watched on with equal fondness and disappointment.

“We stole it from the nurse’s natural disaster kit. It’s meant to be used for blackouts,” Jackson explained before Jaebum could even ask. “Yah! Bambam move over and give us some space to join you!”

Bambam shifted out of the way with a resigned sigh and Jaebum sat down next to Mark, basking in the pleased feeling that settled in his stomach when Jackson sat on his other side.

“So!” Jackson began, words dropping lowly into his spookiest voice. “Who wants to begin our evening? Bambam let us know if you get too scared.”

Jaebum laughed at the boy’s offended retort before he began. Luckily years growing up with a younger brother as well as two practically adopted brothers had left him with a plethora of tales to choose from. He settled on a short one, deciding it might be best to begin with an eerie tale rather than anything that would really have the others scared. He was almost all the way through the story, about to reveal the creepy twist when Jackson grabbed his hand.

It wasn’t a strange action for Jackson, he knew. After all in his other hand he grasped Bambam’s and the youngest boy hadn’t even seemed to notice, so used to the contact. Instead Bambam just watched on, eyes wide with anticipation for the Jaebum’s next line. So he continued on, despite the small smile he couldn’t fight off slightly impacting on his ability to maintain his low tone.

Jackson gasped dramatically when he spoke the final line and Jaebum’s laughter was accompanied by the others.

“Oh my god okay,” Jackson released both of their hands, appearing to compose himself before he pointed to Mark. “Your turn hyung!” He threw a wink to Jaebum, turning to Bambam. “It’s time for some _really_ scary stories. You ready Bambam?”

The youngest boy ignored him, gaze focused solely on Mark who simply sighed before beginning. With his face lit up by the torch and voice low Mark clearly had no hesitation to delve straight into the most unsettling story he knew and even Jaebum could feel the hairs on the back of his neck prickle. It followed the tale of a haunted asylum and Jackson rocked in place listening to it.

He didn’t know if he was even aware of the fact he had moved to grasping one of Jaebum’s hands in the two of his, fingers playing with Jaebum’s as Mark continued on. Jaebum tried to keep his heart rate down, terrified the restless hands would shift to his wrist and he would be discovered because of his quick pulse. But luckily Jackson’s hands didn’t stray from his and instead the boy leant more firmly against his side.

His eyes were wide, mouth open in horror and his breaths quick leaving his mouth. A faint flush brushed his cheeks and his lower lip still shone from when he had it bit between his teeth to contain his shocked gasps. Jaebum didn’t remember what Mark was even saying and knew little in that moment but that Jackson was captivating and he didn’t know how he was ever going to look away.

That was why he was so surprised to have Jackson suddenly squeal loudly and jump from his spot on the floor to land firmly in his lap.

“I don’t like these stories!” Jackson cried, face buried in his neck and the sensation of his quick breaths running a shiver down Jaebum’s spine. He could hear the other two’s laughter and he looked up to see Mark and Bambam grinning at him.

“What happened to ‘try to follow my example and listen to the stories like a man’ hyung?” Bambam remarked, voice far too dry for his young age.

“Shut up,” Jackson mumbled, still clinging to Jaebum’s front and leaving him speechless. “Mark should have known better than to tell a story about a scary asylum. This place is so old and now we’re going to get haunted or at the very least possessed.”

“At the very least?” Jaebum questioned, leaning back from his warm touch to catch his eye.

The boy just sighed at him, not making any movement to move out of his lap but turning to be able to face the others. Jaebum hated how easy it was to relax into his touch, Jackson’s hand running thoughtlessly up and down his arm had him humming quietly, before he caught himself.

“If you’re possessed you don’t even know what’s going on. If you’re the one being haunted you are the one being scared and getting murdered. I’ve much rather be possessed.”

Jaebum paused to consider his logic for a moment before looking back to the others, “Well does anyone have any other stories to tell? Think we can make Jackson shed an actual tear?” He ignored Jackson’s frustrated groan as Bambam began his own story. Jaebum quickly remembered it was one he knew to be Yugyeom’s favorite and sighed heavily. He should not have let them be introduced.

When they finally finished their scary stories and had settled under their blankets to sleep, Jaebum was woken by Jackson, shoving his shoulder and waking him from his light slumber.

“Now I can’t sleep hyung. I think someone’s going to murder me,” Jackson whimpered and too tired to overthink his actions Jaebum pulled him into his front. Jackson didn’t seem to be bothered, happily hiding his face in Jaebum’s chest and content at the warmth.

“I’ll protect you,” Jaebum murmured, half asleep and words reckless.

“Not if I kill you first,” They both jolted in place at the sound of Bambam’s most sinister voice and Jackson cursed at him.

“Why do I have the worst friends?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU GUYS!!! this is very exciting oh my goodness halfway!!! 
> 
> i promise to update soon okay! in the meantime leave me kudos/comments or come talk to me on [tumblr ](http://fight-me-jaebum.tumblr.com/)!!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this is very very late and i'm really sorry :( i've been going through a bit of a rough time lately BUT this chapter is a little it longer than usual so hopefully that makes up for it!!

**CHAPTER 11.**  

Christmas was upon them faster than Jaebum anticipated. It was his definitive halfway mark. A sign he was well on his way to getting back to his normal life and being with his family once more. But it was also a frank reminder of the fact he wasn’t currently with them. 

Christmas in Jaebum’s house was a time for them to gather together, Jinyoung and Youngjae’s families too. He remembered the first time he had met Youngjae only a few years before, at a Christmas dinner with his mother’s coworkers. They had been the only kids over 12 years old. Jaebum had resigned himself to sitting in the corner and spending the evening trying to ignore Yugyeom and his constant whining about wanting to go home, when his mother had pulled over a baby-faced boy. He looked embarrassed at the attention as Jaebum’s mother introduced them to one another, telling Jaebum maybe he could ‘help Youngjae out with some homework’ or ‘give him advice about high school’ since Jaebum was his elder. Jaebum had groaned, already at his limit with annoying kids tacking care of Yugyeom. 

He soon realised Youngjae had no need for his tutoring or advice, flippantly shrugging off Jaebum’s awkward attempt of small talk by pulling out a comic book and asking if he wanted to read it with him. They had sat there even after they finished it, only moving when their mothers interrupted them mid-conversation about the best comic book movie adaptions. After that day Youngjae had become one of the very few stable fixtures in Jaebum’s life.

Christmas time was when Jaebum would gather with this close-knit group. They would hang out and give each other gifts and watch ridiculous Christmas shows and simply enjoy each other’s company. But because of Jaebum and his stupid mistakes his family would spend their day of joy, within the hospital walls.

Seeing the place transform was one of the few things that did bring some comfort to Jaebum. The kids learnt how to craft felt reindeer antlers in their art classes, the nurses hurried down the halls in green and red scrubs and even Dr Jeon had a mini Christmas tree perfectly decorated in the corner of his office.

It was a week before the big day and he was watching Mark and Bambam decorating the patient wing’s tree. Jaebum had gone as far as helping them set the damn thing up before he’d had enough of the scratchy plastic branches and retired to the lounge room’s couch. Instead he watched on as Bambam slapped at Mark’s hands whenever he went to put an ornament in the wrong place.

“Why are you trying to make it ugly?” Bambam whined, tone childish and slapping at Mark’s already pink arms. Jaebum hid an amused smile behind his book. Mark just rolled his eyes at the younger’s antics and Jaebum watched as he deliberately placed another ornament on the same branch Bambam just had. 

Bambam’s dramatic wail of despair had a nurse checking the room and Jaebum having to disguise a laugh as a particularly stubborn cough.

Mark, seemingly satisfied with his efforts, moved to the couch and sat comfortably beside Jaebum to watch Bambam carefully begin to drape loose tinsel across the branches. It was in that moment of comfortable silence, both of them watching Bambam and smiling like a pair of fond parents that he realised how normal it felt to him. He remembered the same thing sitting on his couch at home with Youngjae, watching Yugyeom and Jinyoung bicker over where to put the decorations. It felt like home, but he knew it wasn’t.

“Where’s Jackson?” He asked suddenly, drawing Bambam’s wide-eyed gaze. It was strange without the other boy’s presence. Jaebum had expected he’d be up next to Bambam, pedantically hanging ornaments and belting out the wrong lyrics to the Christmas carols none of them really knew. But Jaebum realised he hadn’t seen the boy at all since breakfast. 

“Uhh,” Bambam began, eyes flicking to Mark who shrugged.

“With his therapist maybe?” Mark suggested, attention fixed on Jaebum’s book. He didn’t ask any more questions after that.

* * *

Jackson re-appeared Christmas Eve when Jinyoung and Youngjae arrived to visit. They were both spending the day with their families and Jaebum was flattered they had both found the time to visit him anyway. Jinyoung however, clearly had other things in mind when he turned up with a large present and proudly presented it to Mark.

Jackson’s sudden reappearance quickly made sense when he slid onto the table top beside Jaebum, gaze locked on the lovebirds sitting a few tables away. Their presents sat unopened before them, forgotten in each other’s company, and Jaebum sighed fondly. 

“What did Mark even get Jinyoung?” He asked curiously, looking up to Jackson whose eyes only moved to his for a moment before returning to the scene before them.

“He’s giving him one of his sweatshirts,” Jackson said, sounding as if he was unsure if it was the cutest or most disgusting thing he’d ever heard. “He couldn’t really buy him anything and Jinyoung kept complimenting him on how soft it is.” 

Jaebum gagged slightly, “He does know Jinyoung only likes it so much because it’s on him right?”

Jackson giggled, eyes still on the pair, “He’ll know soon enough.”

Jaebum eyed him, the promise in his voice leaving him wary. He was distracted by the sound of laughter behind them and turned around only to have Youngjae and Bambam fall silent when they noticed his attention.

“Bambam you better not be teaching him English swear words,” Jaebum commanded, knowing his efforts were useless. Yugyeom had already proudly demonstrated his newly learned vocabulary last time they spoke. He really had to start monitoring his friends and family’s interactions with Bambam. He sighed and turned back to Mark and Jinyoung, hearing the quick conversation beginning again behind him. 

“How would you even know if they were swear words?” Jackson teased and Jaebum slapped at his leg. “It’s not like you even speak English- not even just for me.”

“Shut up!” He frowned, nobody respected him in here. “Why are you even here I thought you were avoiding us all?”

Jackson sighed dramatically, “I’m sorry I’ve been busy I didn’t realise you missed me so much.” Jaebum avoided his gaze. “But there’s no way I’d miss this.”

Jaebum was about to ask what ‘this’ consisted of when he followed Jackson’s gaze, catching sight of the sprig of mistletoe- he could have sworn he saw Bambam putting by the window- hanging above the door.

“You did not,” He said tonelessly, sighing when he heard Jackson’s laughter.

“I did!” Jaebum looked up at him, taking in the gleeful grin on his face. “I’m sorry hyung! Mark may have enough patience but mine as a highly invested third party is running thin.” 

Jaebum groaned, “This is a terrible idea.”

Jackson paused, head tilted to the side, “Why? Will Jinyoung not do it?” He bit his lip, looking concerned.

“No,” Jaebum sighed, watching the adoration in Jinyoung’s eyes as he listened to Mark speak quietly. “Because he definitely will.”

Jackson looked appeased, “I don’t see the problem then. They better not forget to thank me in their wedding vows.” 

It wasn’t long before Mark stood, tucking his present under one arm and pulling Jinyoung towards the door with the other. They were probably off to have another one of their dumb walks in the garden. Jaebum didn’t see the appeal. Winter had finally arrived and with the frosted over ground and bitter wind he’d much rather stay inside. At least it meant heating and no chance of hypothermia. They probably just liked it because it gave then an excuse to huddle up together to stay warm. 

So Jinyoung seemed content, following along naively and shoes squeaking sharply at Jackson’s sudden shriek.

“Oh my god! I can’t believe it!” Jaebum decided Jackson’s acting could use a bit of refinement, but he couldn’t fault him on the effort he put in. He practically leapt from his perch on the table, arm pointed up to the mistletoe above the couple’s heads and face open wide in false shock. “Mistletoe!”

Mark’s head flicked up quickly, eyes catching on the tiny sprig and immediately sliding closed in frustration when he undoubtedly realised Jackson’s involvement was more than a simple observer. Jaebum’s gaze hung on Jinyoung however, expecting pure delight or at least slight nerves in his expression when his friend was finally getting an excuse to do what he had been wanting to for weeks.

He expected Jinyoung to laugh awkwardly, eyes crinkling up in an embarrassed smile and maybe slowly lean in- giving Mark the chance to back out if he wanted to. Instead, Jinyoung simply shrugged and pressed a short and sweet peck to Mark’s lips without a moment’s hesitation.

Jaebum was thankful his own surprised gasp was hidden under Jackson’s much more dramatic one, the boy almost tripping over his own legs when he stumbled in shock. But Jinyoung noticed Jaebum’s wide eyes, grinning at him.

“Uh-“ He said dumbly, trying to process what the hell they’d just seen happen.

“WHAT?” Jackson squawked, arms waving between them all. “I? WHAT!”

They both heard Youngjae’s laughter and turned, equally puzzled to see him, eyes crinkled and arm slapping the table as he giggled, “Are you both clueless? They’ve been together for ages.” 

Bambam cackled beside him but Jaebum’s attention was drawn by the sound of Jinyoung softly clearing his throat to address him, “See hyung?” The pair stood, hands linked and matching smiles across their faces. Jaebum didn’t know how he missed this. “Not everyone feels the need to pine for weeks before they finally make their move.”

Mark and Jinyoung moved out of the door at that, leaving Jaebum face flushed and mouth open and wordless.

Jackson was still looking between the remaining four of them, seemingly clueless to Jinyoung’s sly dig, “Bambam did you know about this? How could he not tell me! This is a serious problem I can’t believe them-“

Jaebum sighed, catching his eyes, “It is really so hard to believe?”

Jackson paused at that, lips jutting out in a pout. “I guess not.” He finally slid into the seat beside Jaebum, staying silent for a moment before surprising him with a slap to his closest arm. “Hyung- our plan worked! And we didn’t even have to get Jinyoung committed!”

* * *

Christmas Day had Jaebum being drowned in his mother’s attention. She was pulling at his hair, tsking at him for his half-hearted attempts of styling it and jabbing her sharp little fingers into his side. 

“I don’t want you to waste away in here!” She commanded, and responded to his whining complaints with a particularly sharp tug to his ear. “You can’t be bothered to eat well, exercise or fix your hair but you always seem to have enough time to make sure your earrings are perfectly coordinated to your outfit.” 

Jaebum flushed, eyes pleading with Yugyeom to save him but was simply met with a shrug. Their mother had had to practically drag Yugyeom to sit with them, his brother whining when he wasn’t allowed to spend the day with Bambam instead. What was the point of having a younger sibling if all they did was act like a brat and ignore your cries for help? What was the point of siblings at all, Jaebum decided. He could suddenly understand the appeal of being an only child.

He was distracted from his glaring match by a sharp flick to the forehead and he whined loudly, “Oh quiet you! You’re the one ignoring your own mother when she’s talking to you. And on Christmas Day!” 

The lounge room was packed with other, _normal_ families and Jaebum looked over them jealously. Parents chatted to their kids and asked about their stay while younger siblings ran wild and practically bounced off every surface. His eyes searched for the others, spotting Bambam first. He was sitting with three other kids Jaebum assumed were his siblings and laughing along to something his mom was saying, young face in a wide grin that had Jaebum smiling.

He found Mark next, sitting just beside Bambam’s family. He was rolling his eyes fondly at something his brother said as his mother held up the camera on her phone to them, his sisters smiling back at them from the screen. He noticed the childish way he and his brother slapped at each other when their parent’s attention was diverted, comforted to know he wasn’t the only one with an asshole of a brother.

With his mother’s words forgotten he scanned the rest of the group, eyes almost missing Jackson where he sat to the side. He was half-hidden between the two families, hands playing with the hem of his own shirt and gaze focused elsewhere. He was withdrawn from conversation for the first time Jaebum had seen. There was no loud bickering, cackling laughter and theatrical gestures. Instead he sat quietly, drifting in and out of the conversations and solely focused on the single present still left under the Christmas tree.

The nurses had brought them in after a quick search, the bags restuffed and placed under the tree for the kids to collect themselves. They had almost all been collected, including Jaebum’s own gifts from his mother and his grandparents. His two bags sat untouched on the table beside him as he watched Jackson. 

His gut was unsettled by the look in his eyes and the slump to his shoulders. 

He remembered what Mark had said, about Jackson being the only one of them without a support system outside of the hospital, but it wasn’t until confronted by the reality of Jackson’s solitude that he really understood. He wanted to go over, wrap an arm around Jackson’s shoulders and pull him over to his family but he knew Jackson would push him away and make up some lie about just being tired. Jaebum was a coward. He didn’t know how well he’d bear Jackson pushing him away.

Eventually visiting hours came to an end and Jaebum said his goodbyes. He pulled Yugyeom in for a tight hug, frowning when he realised his brother had grown even taller since he last saw him. 

“Take care of yourself, okay? She’s got enough on her plate without you acting up,” He ordered, concern lacing his voice and Yugyeom sighed. “Just promise not to do anything irresponsible while I’m gone.”

“I don’t think I could if I tried,” He replied and Jaebum was pleased to see his face still easily fell into his babyish pout. At least that hadn’t changed. “You know how when we visit she never stops fussing over you? Imagine that except every single day.”

Jaebum laughed at that, giggles ceasing at his mother’s annoyed huff.

“Hurry up and get yourself out of here,” Yugyeom said softly. “Being an only child sucks.”

His mother said her goodbye next, pressing a kiss to his cheek and sighing at his hair once more. He steered them towards the door, firmly telling them to get home before the night turned too cold and snow began to fall. Soon there was only a few left in the room. Mark hugging his father tightly and Bambam in what looked like the cross between a headlock and a hug from his brother. Jaebum’s eyes flicked to Jackson, the boy slowly walking over to the tree and collecting the bag without even checking the label.

Jaebum knew he shouldn’t. He knew Jackson probably didn’t want his company and wanted to be alone. He knew Jackson was obviously going somewhere to be by himself, but Jaebum tucked his own presents under one arm and let his legs carry him after him.

If nothing else he could at least tell Jackson Merry Christmas and head off to bed.

So he followed him, pausing when he made his way to another STAFF ONLY door like the one Jaebum had seen him use once before. He slipped through it and Jaebum waited for a moment before slipping through after him.

It lead to a staircase he realised, probably used as a fire escape if the way it steeply winded its way upwards told him anything. He followed the sound of Jackson’s footsteps above him, trying to keep his own tread as silent as possible. Eventually he was paused by the sound of a door opening and closing and he soon reached it, opening it to find the hospital’s concrete roof spread out before him.

And standing at the very edge, Christmas present dropped forgotten on the floor beside his feet, stood Jackson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN!!! CLIFFHANGERS! MY FAVOURITE THING!!!! (i know i'm evil i'm sorry)
> 
> i promise i'll try to be a bit more regular with my updates- i've finally gotten back into the rhythm of writing this fic so hopefully i'll find it easier to update :) please comment/ come chat to me on tumblr if you're enjoying this fic!! and lemme know if you have any theories about what's coming, i love hearing people's theories :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a lil shorter i'm sorry!!! but you find out a lot of backstory so hope you like it anywayyy <3

**CHAPTER 12.**

Jaebum ran towards him, almost dropping his things before he reached Jackson’s side.

“Jackson!” He cried out, coming to a stop beside the boy whose expression quickly shifted into a pleasantly surprised one.

“Hyung!” He seemed to notice Jaebum’s distress. “Oh-“

Jaebum’s eyes finally adjusted to the dim moonlight, and he flushed when he noticed the roof was bordered by a towering chain link fence. There was very little chance of anyone, much less 5’8” Jackson Wang, managing to go over the edge. “I’m sorry I- I panicked.”

Jackson smiled fondly at that, “Oh no don’t worry that’s not really my style- well at least not right now.” Jaebum’s eyebrows raised, unsure and Jackson seemed to consider him for a moment before speaking lowly, eyes still trained on him. “I’m bipolar. Manic-depressive.”

He knew Jackson was expecting a reaction and maybe he should have gotten one but Jaebum expression didn’t change. He simply nodded, almost surprised by his own easy acceptance of Jackson’s admission. Jackson didn’t talk about himself much, Jaebum knew that, and he found himself more interested in the fact Jackson had trusted him enough to open up to him than anything else. Jackson trusted him, he who was reckless with his words and his actions, and yet Jackson still trusted him.

Jackson turned back to the fence, bottom lip caught in his teeth before he spoke, “This roof is another secret of mine I guess. I’m the only one who’s been here long enough to know about it. They used to have yoga and meditation up here before they bought the neighboring block and turned it into the garden. I’m pretty sure they still have basketball hoops up here too.” Jaebum followed him as he moved to sit against the fence, gaze turned up to the sky. He realised it was the first time in a month that he had seen the stars.

Jaebum nodded, “So 18 months huh?”

Jackson stayed silent, considering the sky before looking down and noticing Jaebum’s presents, “You haven’t opened your gifts?”

Jaebum didn’t mind the easy dismissal of his question, he wasn’t going to push. He would take what Jackson was willing to give and ask nothing more. He had enough of his own secrets to keep himself.

“I felt weird being the only one opening them, Yugyeom already opened his at home and I couldn’t exactly give them any gifts in return,” Jaebum explained, voice low. “You haven’t opened yours either.”

Jackson considered it for a moment, a small smile slipping across his lips, “Open yours with me?”

So, with the cold wind whipping their faces and goose bumps prickling their skin they opened their Christmas presents together.

Jaebum laughed at the first, from his grandparents. A thick pair of socks and long warm grey sweater. He shrugged, considering the soft wool for a moment before pulling it on. Jackson paused for a moment before sliding closer to him, the point where there shoulders met growing warm.

“I’m cold,” Jackson explained, digging through his own bag and pulling out a card. Jaebum looked away, not wanting to intrude and checked inside his other bag. Yugyeom had regifted him a comic book he was almost certain he had taken from his bookshelf at home and he groaned at his brother’s bratty antics. But his mother’s present left him even more frustrated. A stack of books about anger management and meditation that had him quickly looking over to make sure Jackson hadn’t spotted their titles.

Jackson was absorbed in reading the card, bit bottom lip caught between his teeth once more and Jaebum was almost certain the moisture gathering in his eyes wasn’t just from the brisk wind. He relaxed his hold on the books, allowing their titles to become visible and knowing that Jackson would see them any moment. But for some reason the thought of that wasn’t so horrible.

Jackson eventually finished reading his card, looking up and catching Jaebum’s concerned gaze.

“Get anything good?” He asked quietly, trying to mask the waver in his voice and Jaebum shrugged.

“My mom’s convinced she’s helping,” He held up the books, watching Jackson the way he had been watched earlier. Checking his face for any response when he revealed more of himself than he had even been willing to tell Dr Jeon.

Jackson nodded slowly, “Don’t blame her too much. They feel helpless out there with us in here.”

“I don’t blame her. I know it’s all my fault,” Jackson went to protest but Jaebum cut him off. “You know I did it to protect Yugyeom.”

Jacksons’s brows raised, “It?”

“It wasn’t anything really,” Jaebum said softly, words coming out easier than they had before. “I- It was only bad a few times.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s never your fault,” Jackson said, brows close together. “No matter how much you’re sure it is.”

Jaebum hummed to himself, considering the words. He had heard them before, but they always left an unpleasant taste in his mouth. He knew better.

“He was being bullied and I found out and I lost it. I caused it and I have to deal with the consequences.”

“That doesn’t make it your fault,” Jackson stated.

Jaebum bit down on his tongue, stomach turning because he knew despite his intentions Jackson was wrong. The guilt weighing heavily on his heart couldn’t be lifted by a few reassurances when Jaebum knew it was his brash decisions that had lead to Yugyeom paying the consequences. Both times.

Jackson was still watching him, gaze unsettled and he sighed, “If anyone is an expert on guilt complexes it’s me okay- but I can promise you that you have to move on. If I spent every waking day thinking about the stupid decisions I made when I wasn’t thinking right, I would hardly sleep.”

Jaebum looked over to him, watching Jackson pull a framed photo out from his present. A bright-eyed, preteen Jackson stood wrapped in his mother’s arms, his father smiling down at both of them fondly. He was dressed in a fencing uniform, obviously having just won if the trophy he had gripped in one hand was any indication, but it wasn’t the trophy Jaebum focused on. Jackson’s mouth was opened in a wide laugh and the adoration in his parents’ eyes was unmistakable. His stomach fell when he heard Jackson’s hitched breath.

“They send me another one every few months when I tell them not to visit,” Jackson murmured, setting the frame up carefully beside his legs. “I think they hope it’ll tempt me enough to come home. No matter how many times I promise them I’m better off here.”

Jaebum considered the picture, “They’re in Hong Kong?”

Jackson nodded, “I made them go.” He paused for a moment, pulling out a flat cap from the bag and tugging it backwards over his head. Jaebum rolled his eyes. “They spent last Christmas before they left trying to convince me to come with them.”

“You wanted them to move?”

Jackson sighed, “No.” He considered it. “Yes. I don’t know. It’s better like this either way.”

“And you stayed?”

“I was barely out of a manic episode. My uncle made sure I was comfortable and that I wouldn’t be shipped off to some long-term facility even though I could hardly get out of bed. I’d gotten used to the routine here and begun to know the nurses,” He paused. “I found out dad was going to say no to a promotion just to keep them here with me and I couldn’t let that happen.”

“So you told them to go,” Jaebum said quietly.

“So I told them to go,” Jackson affirmed. “I’d rather them leave me here than have to deal with the guilt of them giving up everything because of me.”

“And you tell me not to blame myself,” Jaebum responded softly, smiling at Jackson’s surprised laughter.

“Okay fine I’ll admit it’s easier said than done.”

Jaebum sighed heavily, leaning into Jackson when he felt the boy’s hand slip into his.

“Why did you tell me about this?”

Jackson shrugged, thumb running along Jaebum’s, “I feel like I can trust you, I guess.”

Jaebum’s stomach turned and he felt the words slip from his lips faster than he knew, “It was my fault Yugyeom was bullied.”

Jackson’s hands paused on his, “It’s never your fault if someone else is a bully.”

Jaebum frowned, “It was my fault Yugyeom was bullied though.” He paused.

He had made mistakes. He had been stupid about how he’d gone about it. Fearless and reckless. Unashamed in who he was and ignorant of how his actions would affect the person he had always committed himself to protecting. It was his biggest downfall, his tendency to rush in without a moment’s hesitation, consequences be damned.

It was this knowledge that kept him from gripping Jackson’s hand tighter in his. Because he had already made such a mistake. He had already revealed too much of himself and hurt those he cared about in the process. He couldn’t bear the thought of hurting Jackson. But, he trusted him enough to keep speaking.

“I was an idiot who graduated and thought that meant nobody’s opinions could hurt me,” Jaebum confessed, eyes clouding over as he remembered waiting outside the school that day. He remembered checking his watch and swearing that if Yugyeom had gotten another detention and forgotten to warn him not to pick him up until later he was going to kick his ass. So he’d hurried inside the school, heading towards Yugyeom’s locker when he found them.

“He didn’t even fight back. He never does,” Jaebum’s eyes slipped closed. “He was already taller than they were but he let them slam him into the lockers and kick him in the ribs when he fell to the ground.”

Jaebum winced when he remembered sitting in the hospital emergency room beside him, an icepack on his rapidly swelling hand and Yugyeom holding one to his own bruised ribs. He remembered Yugyeom unable to meet his eyes when he yelled at him for keeping it hidden. He remembered Yugyeom’s terrified eyes when the police arrived.

“He let them hurl slurs at him for months because he didn’t want me to find out,” Jaebum said quietly. “My little brother let himself be bullied because I was too stupid to consider that coming out might have consequences for more people than just me.”

Both of Jackson’s hands were gripping his now and Jaebum looked over to find his gaze held in his.

“He thought he was protecting me when that was my job. I was always supposed to protect him.”

“You can’t protect everyone,” Jackson said quietly. “Sometimes things happen that are out of your control. If anyone knows about that it’s me…” Jaebum nodded, his head falling back against the fence and looking up at the stars again. Jackson shuffled beside him, knocking their feet together. “Wait so you have rage issues and you haven’t kicked Bambam’s ass yet? If that’s not a testament to this place’s effectiveness I don’t know what is.”

Jaebum’s laughter was weak but he was smiling anyway. Jackson shoved at him, pulling them both up.

“Come on crazy,” Jackson shivered, tucking his things under one arm and pulling Jaebum along with the other. “It’s fucking cold. Let’s go.”

Jackson stopped them outside the lounge room, “Oh hey Jaebum.” He shot a look up at the mistletoe above them and Jaebum rolled his eyes.

“Not happening.”

Jackson’s lips pouted, “Not fair!”

“Goodnight Jackson.”

“Goodnight.”

“Oh and Jackson?”

“Merry Christmas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TADAAAAAA!!!! 
> 
> next chapter hopefully will be up in half a week or so :) 
> 
> oh and really quickly i just wanted to say thank you to everyone who left such supportive comments on my last chapter- thank you guys so so much i really appreciate it <3
> 
> PS- next chapter.. we have a visitor... :D


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER 13!!!! YAAAAAAY ~

**Chapter 13.**

Jackson knowing about Jaebum and Jaebum knowing about Jackson changed remarkably little in their friendship. Beyond the inevitable increased awareness of Jackson’s medication routine and his appointments, not much in Jaebum’s perception of his friend drastically changed. He was still the obnoxiously loud, excessively friendly and exhaustingly endearing boy Jaebum had come to know well over the past month. Plus his smile still had Jaebum’s heart stuttering in his chest.

Everything was completely fine. Jaebum had it under control.

He realised Mark and Bambam would know about Jackson’s condition too, but it felt strange to think about discussing it with them. He didn’t think it was his place. Jackson had solemnly promised to keep what he had learned of Jaebum’s past to himself without Jaebum even needing to ask, so it felt natural to promise the same. Plus the idea of their rooftop conversation being their shared secret had Jaebum feeling pleasantly warm. 

So he kept it to himself, smiling supportively at Jackson whenever he lined up for his medication and appreciating the boy’s supportive hugs whenever he returned from a therapy session. He did find that sharing his past made opening up in these sessions slightly easier and even though he still revealed little he considered worth of reaction, Dr Jeon seemed thrilled by any and all progress they made.

Jaebum still kept all his secrets hidden. Or at least most of them.

Every time Jinyoung caught his eye or Mark gave him a knowing look mid-conversation with Jackson he felt his ears flushing red. He developed a sudden appreciation for the outside he had once scorned, finding solace out in the bitterly cold wind away from their judgmental gaze. However this did lead to the unfortunate, or debatably fortunate, result of Jackson joining him for walks and disrupting his escape with an endless stream of complaints about the cold. There was little he could do but sigh and sacrifice his brand new sweater or jacket to shut the boy up. 

Mark and Jinyoung just found that even more entertaining. 

But they had no room to judge anyway, he decided. He was the one having to play look out for them whenever they wanted some alone time. They could keep their over the top winks and sharp elbow jabs to themselves. 

Jackson was down one end of the hall, Jaebum the other, minding the foot traffic and keeping an eye out for any nurses or doctors heading past. Jinyoung and Mark had managed to sneak into Mark’s room and in their roles as best friends and bored fellow patients, Mark and Jaebum had been roped into keeping them hidden.

Of course Jackson had protested loudly at first, gagging at the idea of the two of them and forcing Mark’s sincere promise to not have sex on his bed. Mark had agreed before rolling his eyes and informing Jackson that he “just wanted to cuddle with Jinyoung” because “not everyone could sneak up onto their own private rooftop and watch the stars every night like some people.” 

Jaebum pretended not to hear him. Nor notice the subsequent flush on Jackson’s cheeks. 

So they were on lookout, Jaebum skimming a book and keeping an eye and ear out for any one’s approach. Jackson was down the hall, flicking through a magazine he had stolen from Bambam and calling out to Jaebum every few seconds with complete disregard to the fact they were supposed to be being covert.

“Hyung!” Jackson called out again, holding a page with some highly photoshopped kpop star next to his head. “What if I cut my hair like this?”

Jaebum groaned, “Jackson your hair is fine.”

Jackson raised his eyebrows, “Wow thank you. My hair is ‘fine.’ Don’t be too flattering to me hyung, my ego will never deflate.”

Jaebum pretended to ignore him, turning back to his book with a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Jackson’s complaint was cut off by the sharp squeak of approaching nurse shoes and they froze in place.  

The woman was coming from Jackson’s side, clearly on a mission and Jaebum panicked for a moment before Jackson leapt out of his seat.

“Noona!” He cried out, hurrying to stop her in her tracks. Jaebum struggled to watch them from his peripherals until he gave in and stared straight at them. “I was wondering if you thought I should get a haircut?”

Jaebum groaned.

But somehow it worked. Jaebum should have expected it- Jackson had every single person in the place wrapped around his pinky finger. The nurse considered his hair for a moment, mission forgotten, “What styles are we considering?”

So Jaebum was forced to listen to the pair of them, in serious discussion about his hair and how she’d make sure she organized an appointment to visit a hair salon in the next week, for at least ten painful minutes before the door to Mark and Jackson’s room opened.

Mark puttered out, bleary eyed and arms stretching out before him. 

“Yah! Mark!” She cried out, breaking from the conversation and hurrying over. “I’m supposed to be getting you to Dr Jeon.” She turned back to Jackson. I’ll find some time for your hair Jackson-ah, don’t worry!” 

The two departed, Jaebum staring blankly at Jackson who, clueless to his bewilderment, had returned to skimming through his magazine. Eventually Jinyoung slipped out of the room, scanning the halls before catching Jaebum’s eyes and grinning. He tried to ignore the hickey on his friend’s clavicle.

“I can’t believe that worked,” Jaebum muttered to himself.

Jackson, however was not to forgiving, running over to Jinyoung and jabbing a thumb at the quickly darkening bruise, “Oh my god this is a family friendly environment! My poor eyes- my innocence!”

Jaebum scoffed, “You? Innocent?”

Jackson turned to him, eyebrows waggling and cheeky grin on his face. “What are you trying to say hyung?”

Luckily Jinyoung interrupted Jaebum before he could do anything stupid, like flirt back, closing Mark’s door and grabbing Jaebum’s arm to help him sneak out. He could still hear Jackson flipping through the magazine as they walked away, umming and ah-ing under his breath.

“I wonder if I should get bangs again.”

* * *

Jaebum was hurrying back from a music session, embarrassed by his own pride in the song he had been working on and eager to see the others. Jackson liked to quiz him on the music and Jaebum was finally feeling confident enough to actually answer some of Jackson’s questions about it. He found himself becoming more and more thrilled by the admiration he caught in the other boy’s eyes, despite how foolish he knew it was. 

He hurried into the library, having caught Bambam on the way to his own therapy session and knowing the older two to be in the room. He had even been approached by his teacher to perform for some of the others at the talent show the following week, and despite the anxiety that had gnawing at his stomach he was eager to share the flattering news. 

He was broken from his swift march when he happened upon a sleeping Jackson, head tilted back against the couch and arms curled around his front as he snored quietly. Mark was seated on the couch next to him, silently reading his book and he looked up. After a soft sigh at the expression he caught there he slid from his seat wordlessly, leaning against the couch and throwing a significant look between Jaebum and the freshly vacated spot beside Jackson. 

Jaebum chose to ignore Mark’s shrewd gaze, electing instead to just simply sit beside the boy. He sat sideways on the couch, eying Jackson’s legs before giving into the temptation and laying his legs across his thighs. 

Jackson shifted in his sleep, nose crinkling up and placing Jaebum’s heart in his throat, before he sighed softly and settled back into the couch once more. 

With the steady sound of Jackson’s breaths, the warmth of strong legs against his and the quiet scrape of Mark turning the pages of his book, Jaebum began to follow Jackson into sleep. He could wait to tell him about the music session later. 

The thrum of the overhead lights and Mark’s quiet humming was broken by the sound of the door creaking and though it tempted Jaebum closer to consciousness he ignored it, keeping his eyes firmly shut. It was probably just Bambam, returned from his appointment and eager to use their mid afternoon nap as another opportunity to tease them for their old age.  

But instead of Bambam’s familiar teasing he was surprised by a low tone, still tinged with obvious fondness.

“Well this is cute.”

Jaebum’s eyes sprung open, almost jumping out of his skin when he heard Jackson’s responding screech.

“Jooheon!” Jackson yelled, shoving Jaebum’s feet off of his lap and leaping up to greet the boy. Jaebum watched on curiously. He didn’t think he’d ever seen Jackson have visitors before. The boy was grinning at Jackson, arms moving to grip his shoulders as they pulled back from a tight hug. “What are you doing here?”

The guy’s smile grew even further, which Jaebum didn’t even know possible and he felt an unfamiliar pang in his chest at Jackson’s responding grin. Only a fool could miss the clear affection between the two of them.

“I’ve gotta come see how you boys are running the place without me, don’t I?” He asked, grinning and turning to the others. His gaze quickly caught Jaebum’s and he felt himself nod weakly.

Jackson seemed to notice the predicament, “Oh Jooheon! This is Jaebum-hyung - hyung this is my dear friend Jooheon.” They said their quick greetings, Jaebum nodding his head politely and receiving Jooheon’s too bright smile in response. Jackson’s attention was focused back solely on the visitor within an instant. “Jaebum-hyung is new here.”

“Oh! I see,” Jooheon nodded understandingly. “Well I know it’s a bit hard to get used to but it’s an amazing place.”

Jackson smiled, trying to keep his demeanour bright. He was bad at meeting new people and highly aware of it in that very moment, “So… You’re a past patient?”

Jooheon grinned, “I am! It’s been a little while since I’ve left though.”

He received an elbow jab at that, Jackson scoffing, “A little while? What happened to visiting a lot, huh? You too good for us now Mr University?”

The boy giggled, eyes disappearing and cheeks dimpling sweetly, “I’ve been busy! But don’t worry- I could never forget you.” He caught Jackson’s eye, both of them grinning and Jaebum felt his gut clench unpleasantly.

“Uh-“ He pretended to check the time on the clock hanging nearby. “Oh crap I was meant to call Jinyoung- I better hurry before he has work-“

Mark’s eyebrows raised at that and Jackson turned to him in surprise, “Are you going to talk to him too? Tell him hi from me.”

Mark sighed as if it was a chore, rolling up from his lazy slouch and followed after Jaebum towards the door. Jaebum ignored him most of the walk to the phones, pretending to be concerned with the time but really just uncomfortable with the weight of the gaze on his back. Mark got his payback for being ignored though, snatching the phone from his hand mere milliseconds before Jinyoung picked up.

So Jaebum sat himself in the seat nearby, rolling his eyes at the stupidly affectionate tone in Mark’s voice and trying not to let his thoughts stray too far to another particular patient and his current activities. Jooheon seemed friendly, he thought obvious. And the fact that Jackson had friends outside of the hospital- especially friends who had been fellow patients he still kept in contact with- should not come as a surprise.

Jackson was friendly and charming and slightly obnoxious but nobody within those walls seemed able to resist him. But they were obviously close friends and that was completely fine. The fact that they flirted easily should not bother him so much. Jackson loved skinship and affection, and even his interactions with Mark and Bambam drifted into the realm of more than frequently. Jaebum had no right to feel the way he did, anyway, he concluded. He wasn't Jaebum's and he could do as he pleased. 

Jaebum was pulled from his busy thoughts by Mark clearing his throat, the phone dangling from one hand before him and an eyebrow raised at Jaebum.

“If you really do want to talk to him now is your chance... Unless this just was, as I suspect, a weak excuse to run away from Jackson and Jooheon and pine from afar,” Mark stared at him blankly and Jaebum rolled his eyes.

“Hyung I obviously need to talk to him,” He stood and snatched the phone from his hands, not noticing Mark’s annoyed sigh nor the dangerous glint in his eye.

“Jooheon’s really nothing to get your panties in a twist over anyway, Jaebum,” He began to move away, voice carrying over one shoulder. “Jackson and him were only together for a few weeks anyway.”

* * *

 Jaebum should have known himself to be a jealous person. He was already protective and almost over-bearing towards his family, he should have realised that seeing Jackson hurrying around the hospital with his ex, with no apparent hurt feelings between them, would have him feeling half empty.

Jackson was cackling, bickering over some moot point with the boy as they wandered around, Jooheon greeting the staff with friendly smiles and waves only beaten in enthusiasm by Jackson’s very own. Their hands lingered close together frequently, grasping each other without hesitation. Jooheon knew other patient’s too, outside of Jaebum’s own small circle. With a somber resting face that easily gave way to an almost childish grin and dimples, the boy had the attention of the entire hospital- nurses, doctors, patients and all. It was a long afternoon for Jaebum.

He had never been the most easily sociable person. He knew he could charm people when he really set his mind to it and the friends he made were loyal, but he couldn’t help but feel jealous over the ease with which Jooheon conversed with everyone.

He expected visiting hours would signal the end of the other boy’s visit but with a pleading tone and a wide smile Jooheon managed to convince the staff to allow him stay for dinner. They had all gathered at the table, Jooheon roping in a few other patients and crowding the space. Jaebum moved himself to the side, uncomfortable in the crowd and uneasy at the way Jackson seemed to thrive in it. He was bickering loudly with Jooheon, rolling his eyes at the boy’s responding quips and cackling between mouthfuls of food. Bambam was sitting amongst them too and Jaebum envied the boy’s ease in making new friends. Mark was seated to the edge of the table with him though, ignoring Jaebum’s petulant stabbing at his meal and occasionally chatting with Jooheon.

He grimaced when his bowl slid after one particularly hard stab, wincing when Bambam leant across Mark to catch his attention. 

“Hyung, how old are you again?” 

Jaebum ignored his dig, turning his gaze back to his meal.

Eventually Jackson caught his eye, head tilted at his clearly downtrodden persona. Jaebum tried not to smile too widely when he saw Jackson turn to Jooheon, giving him a clear and quick goodbye and hug before scurrying around the table. The space next to him filled when Jackson slid in beside him, shoulder bumping Jaebum in a way he knew he should find annoying but had him smiling down at the table anyway. 

“Sorry guys-“ Jackson said apologetically, looking around the group. “Don’t worry. You’re still my favorite.”

Bambam snorted into his drink and Mark groaned when Jaebum kept his eyes on his meal, completely clueless to the focus of Jackson’s gaze as he said those words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jaebum is a lil pining egg and i must protect him!! 
> 
> thank you soooo much for reading & for all your comments/kudos you guys are the best and it really helps encourage me to work extra hard on this!! <3


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 14!!! almost 3/4 the way there you guys! hope you enjoy

**Chapter 14.**

Jaebum hadn’t sung in front of anyone outside his family before. It was one of the few interests he shared with his father, distant memories of humming along to the radio together on days his mother had work. Yugyeom would be running around in the background, Jaebum’s cautious gaze flicking to him only to witness him dancing jerkily to the beat. He would stop at the sound of Jaebum’s amused snort of laughter and flush self-consciously. But his dancing improved with practice. Jaebum singing stopped completely when his father left.

He pushed out of the door of the visitor room, trying to block out the squeak of leg chairs on linoleum as Jackson and Mark organized the seating inside. He was pretty sure he’d even seen them bringing in extra seats from the storage cupboard to accommodate the crowd. He groaned wearily when he reached the library, pushing through the door and taking a moment to slow his breath.

There was nothing he could do. No matter how much he protested and whined that he shouldn’t have to perform the stark white piece of paper to be placed in the hand of the MC, reading “Im Jaebum” in precise characters, said otherwise.

At first he’d been relieved they’d promised to let him perform towards the end. He’d hoped people might leave after the first few or at least their interest would wane after their own kids went. Maybe he wouldn’t embarrass himself as drastically if none of the patients, nurses, doctors or family members were paying attention. But the only talent show act after his was Jackson and Bambam and from what glimpses he had caught of their practices, he knew nobody would want to miss them. If anything the anticipation for their performance would only make people for attentive to his.

“Fuck.”

He flinched at the sound of a gasp from amongst the shelves, quickly moving towards it, “Hello?”

He did not expect to find Bambam, knees tight to his chest seated on the ground. But he was even more surprised at the boy’s appearance. Puffy red eyes, rimmed with the shine of recently shed tears. He scrubbed at his nose quickly, sniffling to himself as Jaebum stared.

“Bambam?” The boy didn’t even try to smile, panicked eyes only flicking to him for a moment before focusing on a spot on the shelf opposite him.

“Sorry,” Bambam’s voice was high and quick, not bothering to try and sound mature and confident as he usually did. “Just trying to calm down before the show.”

Jaebum didn’t know what to do. He was no stranger to not being able to control your emotions and actions, but his weakness was unbridled anger not the clear panic surging through Bambam. He slid down to sit beside him, unsure what to do to help but knowing he had to try something.

But he had seen Bambam like this before, he realised. Bambam rocking in place during the group therapy session weeks ago, panic rising in him until Jackson had stopped it by distracting him.

Jaebum heard his voice, almost surprising himself at how readily he shared the information, “The last time I performed like this was with my dad in front of my mom and brother.” That seemed to shake Bambam some, the boy blinking owlishly at him but arms still hooking his legs tight to his front. “He left a long time ago. I haven’t heard from him in about a decade.”

Bambam stayed silent, gaze shifted back to the spot on the shelf.

“He may have been a bastard but at least he did one good thing in giving me an okay voice,” Jaebum’s smile was practically a grimace, the words rough, but he carried on talking as Bambam’s breathing began to calm. “Well honestly maybe that wasn’t even a good thing because if it wasn’t for that I wouldn’t have to get up in front of everyone and sing this damn song.”

Bambam looked over at him now, face still flushed but voice stronger, “Jackson-hyung and I are dancing.”

He was almost weary, shoulders drooping as he slowly breathed in and out, “Is that why you’re?” He gestured vaguely at them seated on floor and Bambam shrugged.

“It happens sometimes when I get nervous or uncomfortable,” Bambam confessed, taking a moment before he decided to go on. “It began after my dad died.” Jaebum stayed silent, suddenly feeling ashamed for complaining about his absent father when Bambam had lost his entirely. “Everything is just too overwhelming sometimes, you know?”Jaebum nodded. He knew all too well. “I know it won’t ever go away, I just have to learn to live with it and manage it and I thought I was doing a good job until now.” Jaebum frowned, reaching out a careful hand and smiling when Bambam leant into it. “I know I’ve gotten a lot better but I still hate it… It makes me feel so weak.”

“It doesn’t make you weak to have one slip up. It doesn’t ruin all the progress you’ve made,” Jaebum argued and Bambam shrugged. He, like Jaebum, had probably heard those words a hundred times before.

“You know I didn’t eat after he died,” Bambam confessed softly. “I couldn’t even have control over my own emotions but I could at least control that.”

“So that’s why Jackson always makes sure you eat all your food,” Jaebum murmured, half to himself and Bambam smiled weakly.

“You know he’s very excited to see you sing,” The boy shifted up onto his feet, wiping away the remnants of his panic attack before standing fully. “He’s excited for our dance too but he’s even more excited to see you sing... Don’t tell him I told you that.”

Jaebum groaned at his childish delight, moving to stand with him, “You’re such a brat.”

“Just because I can easily see what you two are too stubborn to admit?”

Jaebum almost regretted finding Bambam in the library, but as Bambam moved to leave but turned back to give him a thankful smile he couldn’t really complain.

* * *

As much as he tried to ignore it that afternoon came anyway and Jaebum was herded into the visitor room with all the other patients who weren’t too ill or too busy to attend. His mother, brother, Youngjae and Jinyoung were there too and he nodded to them. It was the first time he’d seen Yugyeom sitting beside Jinyoung without looking like he’d been dragged there by his ear. Jaebum figured it might have something to do with the fact he was outright laughing at Mark and Jinyoung, the pair having snagged seats together in the group to watch but clearly more interested in each other. Jaebum waved to Youngjae from where he was seated amongst the performers, sighing to himself softly at his family’s antics.

It ran like any other talent show Jaebum had been forced to attend in school. Teenagers self consciously singing and dancing and showing off their skills as parents and teachers (or in this case hospital staff) whistled and cheered their words of encouragement. He rolled his eyes at Mark, the older sitting happily beside his boyfriend and smirking back at Jaebum’s petulant stare. Youngjae sent him another thumbs up of encouragement and he felt his stomach tighten. He really hoped he wasn’t going to embarrass himself in front of Youngjae. The boy was in more choirs than Jaebum could count on one hand and despite all his valiant efforts he had never managed to coerce Jaebum into joining him in one. He hated the little voice in the back of his head telling him he was going to do so badly Youngjae would never try to get him to sing with him again.

Jackson elbowed him in the side between acts and he groaned, turning to him unwillingly.

“Aren’t you excited?” Jackson asked, wide-eyed and enthusiastic. Jaebum grimaced. “What song are you singing?”

Jaebum watched disinterestedly as another patient took her place in front, quickly checking her guitar was in tune.

“It’s uh-“ He winced when one string twanged unpleasantly and the girl hurried to adjust it. “It’s one I’ve been working on.”

Jackson gasped in surprise, slapping at his arm slightly too hard, “The one you wrote?”

Jaebum tried not to wince again when he realised his mistake. He could have told Jackson he was singing someone else’s song, someone new and so recent that Jackson must have not yet heard of them. He was already painfully transparent with his emotions without making it even more blatantly obvious by singing the lyrics he himself had penned. He bit his tongue at his mistake, trying to plan an out but coming up with nothing.

Their conversation was interrupted by the girl announcing her song, some generic ballad Jaebum should have chosen instead of his own, stupidly pining work, and he turned to watch on politely.

It seemed like only moments later the performances were almost over and Jaebum’s heart jumped when the MC called his name. He smiled at his music therapist, the woman quickly hurrying to help him set up the keyboard piano and giving him quick words of encouragement. And then it was just him standing alone in front of everyone.

It was terrifying, he realised, and he had a sudden appreciation for everyone who had gone before him. The crowd was the most supportive one he could ever find but that didn’t mean his heart wasn’t in danger of choking his throat and his shaking hands weren’t damp with panicked sweat.

He wasn’t one to get anxious. But standing there before them all he was sure he was going to pass out.

Instead he remembered the breathing exercises that had been drilled into him for years and his eyes caught Jackson’s , the boy mouthing good luck and sending him a big thumbs up.

“Hello,” He cleared his throat when his voice still came out rough. “I’m singing a song I wrote- or am writing. It’s not done really... It’s called Something Good.”

The silence hung in the air for a few seconds as he moved his hands into place, letting out an almost surprised huff of laughter before began to play. He took the still lyricless first section to get himself into the right mindset for the song, trying not to linger on how easy it was for him to put the right emotion into it.

_“Hurry up and come to me_

_I want to embrace you”_

He almost winced at the affectionate words but it was too late to stop and he kept playing.

_“Don’t think its weird_

_I just want to have you”_

He moved into the next section, fingers almost missing a key before he regained his focus. He just had to make it through another minute or so before he could stop.

_“I want to see you even when I see you_

_One day is not enough_

_I will only look just as we are_

_When I look at you tightly in my arms_

_There’s nothing more important_ I know”

He knew he was probably giving everything away. Already he had made himself so obvious in his feelings without writing parts of the song in the language Jackson knew and spoke. Jaebum wouldn’t even speak English around Mark, despite how encouraging and supportive the boy was, and yet he had written lines of his own song in the language. He felt his face warm and his stomach squirm in embarassment but he powered on.

“I got a feeling got a feeling

Got a feeling about you

_You’re more tender than spring sky and clouds”_

He played the melody for a few moments longer before his hands stilled, stumbling out some explanation for how he hadn’t quite worked out the rest of the song and he still had some parts to adjust. He was saved from his bumbling explanation by applause and looked up to find his family very obviously clapping the loudest of anyone else there. It was when he looked away, embarrassed and flattered, that he noticed Jackson’s stare.

He wished he could have had the power to smile at him, to cement in the boy’s mind what Jaebum realised he must have worked out by now, but instead he choked out an excuse that he needed to go to the bathroom and hurried from the room.

It was Mark who found him, standing against the wall only a few feet from the door as he tried to slow his panicked heart rate.

“What are you doing?” He only groaned in response and felt Mark bump against him as he leant beside him. “Jackson isn’t starting his dance until you come back and no offence but I really want this thing to hurry up and end. There’s a kid sitting behind Jinyoung who won’t stop kicking his chair and he won’t stop complaining about it.” Jaebum groaned weakly once more and Mark sighed. “I liked your song.”

Jaebum turned his head to glare at him, “Leave me alone.”

“He doesn’t know it’s about him,” Mark said smoothly and Jaebum raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “You’re really both as clueless as each other.”

Jaebum shoved at him, “You’re not making me feel any better.”

“If you want him to know how you feel you have to actually tell him,” Mark said slowly, as if talking to a child. “He and Jooheon only dated because the guy practically jumped him in the middle of one of their stupid wrestling play fights.”

“Talking about his ex isn’t helping either,” Jaebum replied dryly.

“Well at least you actually know he’s into guys,” Mark sighed. ”It was a struggle for me before Jinyoung confessed.” They heard a call from inside the room and Mark tugged at his elbow. “Hurry up before Jackson comes out here and sees you being a pining loser.”

Jaebum let himself be dragged inside, smiling weakly at Jackson’s worried expression before he snuck into a seat with his family that Jinyoung had snatched for him.

Jackson clapped his hands together once everyone was seated and Jaebum couldn’t help his endeared smile.

“Attention one and all!” Jackson announced loudly, Bambam standing beside him with an equally stupid proud smile on his face. “We would like to announce the final- and if we say so ourselves- best act of this lovely evening!” Jaebum checked the clock hanging in the room. It read 4:30pm. “So- for your viewing pleasure, the masters of dance: J Flawless and Bambam!”

Jaebum could attest to the fact their performance was clearly one of the most entertaining. The backing track was a mashup of various girl group songs and American hip hop and Jaebum knew without looking over to Yugyeom that his brother must have had a fair share of involvement in it. They were good though, wide grins and occasionally inappropriate hip thrusts that had everyone laughing.

Bambam was in his element, grinning brighter than Jaebum had ever seen him and finally looking like the young kid he was. The routine ended with a backflip from Jackson and Jaebum found himself clapping almost louder than anyone else.

They didn’t give out awards, each performer instead getting a participation certificate Jaebum thought appeared to be designed on Microsoft paint, but he wasn’t going to complain when he saw the younger patient’s bearing them with pride.

Everyone had begun to clear out when he felt someone grab his elbow and he turned to see Jackson smiling up at him, “So who do you think was the best?”

Jaebum rolled his eyes, “You and Bambam obviously.” Jackson giggled and Jaebum bit down a smile. “I wasn’t sure but that last dab from Bambam really cinched the title.”

Jackson laughed and flushed, “Well I was going to say yours was the best too...” Jaebum opened his mouth to thank him but Jackson continued over him. “But to be honest I think your pronunciation on some of the English could use some work.”

He scurried away before Jaebum could yell at him, cackling loudly over his shoulder as he went.

“What an asshole.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so first of all to cover my ass - all credit for the lyrics to Something Good goes to Jaebum (real life Jaebum this time) plz don't kick my ass ily bub 
> 
> secondly!!!! hope you guys liked this chapter :D i'm really really looking forward to chapter 15 it's probably one of my favourite ones so far so get exciteeed <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! so let me just begin w/ an apology!! this is so so late but it's a little longer than usual so hopefully that begins to make it up to you guys!!! enjoyyy

**Chapter 15.**

There was a rare break from the cold weather and the boys leapt at the chance to spend the day outside. Jaebum was stretched out on the building’s roof, half asleep as he basked in the sunlight and listened to the sounds of the others fighting over basketball rules.

“Jackson that was clearly travelling,” He heard Mark call, grinning at the sound of Jackson’s responding scoff.

“Jaebum-hyung, seeing as you’re not using them could you possibly lend Mark-hyung your glasses? He seems to be having problems with his eye-sight.”

He ignored them, humming under his breath a new song he had been working on. He didn’t know where Jackson had even found the ball to play with and didn’t bother trying to work it out, just another example of the boy knowing far too much about the facility from his extended time spent there. Just like the roof he snuck them all up to and the supply of junk food he brought to every one of their library sleepovers.

Bambam was laughing hysterically at the older pair’s antics, in especially good spirits after getting the news he’d be heading home in a few days. He had returned from a therapy session with a smile so bright Jackson joked he needed sunglasses to look at it and proudly announced it to them. Jaebum had been thrilled for the boy, if not a little jealous. He had known Bambam for almost two months, and in that little time found himself attached to him like he was to his own brother. He knew if he was proud for Bambam he couldn’t even imagine how excited his family would be for him to finally be able to return home, hopefully for good.

Jackson had practically leapt on him following the news, shaking him excitedly as Bambam giggled. He hadn’t stopped smiling all day, comfortable showing the kid he was.

“Hey Bambam,” Jaebum called out, rolling his eyes at the distracted ‘huh?’ he received in response. “Your family lives in Seoul, right?” 

Bambam assented.

“When you get out you have to promise to go check on my brother, okay?” He leant up on one elbow, looking back at the boy. “Make sure he’s not getting up to too much trouble.”

Bambam nodded with a grin, “Sure thing, hyung!” 

He launched himself back into the game and Jaebum returned to watching the sky.

He himself only had a week left and he was both terrified and excited. It meant returning home, to his mother and Yugyeom and his best friends. But it also meant leaving the others behind and while he knew he could still visit he knew it wouldn’t be the same. He wondered when he had become so attached the idea of leaving the place left him so conflicted.

Jackson broke him from his dilemma, apparently having given up on the game and decided to join him. Their elbows brushed as Jackson mirrored him, arms tucked under his head and eyes on the clouds.

“Tired?” Jaebum asked, not looking over. Jackson hummed noncommittally and Jaebum smiled. “Or are you just too short?” 

He got a kick to the shin for that, laughing softly at Jackson’s clear offence. “You don’t need height to be good at basketball when you have my talent, hyung.” 

Jaebum bit his lip to hide his laughter, unable to stop his smile. “Of course.”

Jackson ignored his sarcasm, pointing out a cloud shaped vaguely like a turtle before turning his head to watch him. “Why do you need Bambam to check on him? Why don’t you?” He asked curiously. “You do know there are phones in here, right?” 

Jaebum rolled his eyes, obviously aware of that. “You clearly don’t have a younger brother.” He turned to meet Jackson’s eyes, a slight frown on his lips. “They don’t like telling their older brothers _anything_.” Jackson laughed in delight and Jaebum sighed. “Plus… I don’t know…” He huffed. “Do you ever get the feeling like something’s off but you can’t quite work out what it is?”

Jackson’s smile slipped from his face slightly, turning back up to face the sky, “All too often.”

A question lingered on Jaebum’s tongue, slight concern at the troubled look on his friend’s face before they were distracted by Mark’s loud cackle. They looked over to spot Bambam trying to spin the ball on one finger and failing miserably.

“Little brothers,” Jaebum muttered, shaking his head before he hurried to steal the ball and shoot it easily through the hoop.

* * *

 

The following day found Jaebum loading onto a bus with many of the other patients, squished in beside Jackson and listening idly to his narration of the buildings they passed on their way back into the city.

“Down that block is where Jooheon lives,” Jackson said with a definite nod, pointing excitedly at another street. “And that’s the club where Hani bartends!” He twisted back in his seat, torso stretched in a way that must have been uncomfortable where he was squeezed between Jaebum and the window. “Mark! Hani’s bar!”

Mark nodded, frowning at the way Bambam kept leaning over him to look out the window despite asking for the aisle seat to ‘stretch his growing legs.’ Jaebum felt a little bad for him until Jackson spun back around and he narrowly avoided receiving an elbow to the side of the head.

They were on their way to an aquarium, Jaebum having been informed of the trip the previous night over dinner.

“Bambam!” Jackson had called out suddenly, facing the boy with wide eyes. “You’re lucky you’re not leaving tomorrow- you would’ve missed the excursion!”

Jaebum paused in his eating, “Excursion?”

Jackson looked between them all, apparently alarmed, “You didn’t know?” They all shook their heads. “Oh I must’ve forgotten to tell you-“ He bit his lip, apparently considering it for a moment before continuing on. “They take us on little trips sometimes. I heard the nurses talking about it the other day.”

Mark nodded, “They took us to the first avengers last time I went on one.”

“And that one time to the planetarium!” Jackson said with a sigh. “I learnt all about meteors.”

“Where are they taking you this time?” Jaebum asked, shovelling down his meal.

Jackson rolled his eyes. “They’re taking _us_ to the aquarium.” Jaebum could admit he was a little underwhelmed. Sure the ocean was interesting and everything but he’d much rather eat movie theatre popcorn and watch an action movie like a normal guy his age, than stare at some fish. “They let some of the little kids pick this time.”

Jaebum raised an eyebrow, “So why’d you pick the aquarium?”

Jackson paused for a moment before he caught the dig, elbow jabbing into Jaebum’s side in retribution. “You jerk!” He seemed content when Jaebum groaned in pain, overstuffed stomach especially vulnerable to the attack. “Be my bus buddy?”

Jaebum wished he could say his heart didn’t jump at the question. It was nothing really, a childish request that should have him thinking of his childhood days and rolling his eyes rather than making his face warm.

“Sure.”

“It’s a date!” Jackson announced happily and Jaebum almost choked on a piece of rice. One he regained his breath, clearing his windpipe of food he looked up to see Mark watching him knowingly. He glared at him until he shrugged and looked away.

“Wait- so I’m going to be stuck with Mark?” Bambam whined suddenly and Jaebum was thankful for the distraction. “What a terrible last day.”

Jaebum hid his small smile with more food, embarrassingly pleased at the turn of events. He figured the day wouldn’t be as bad as he’d thought.

That conclusion was quickly ruined once he was seated on the bus. It wasn’t that he wasn’t having fun, per se, it was more the fact he couldn’t stop fidgeting. Jackson was clueless to his internal panic, still pointing out landmarks and chatting enthusiastically with the kids sitting the row before them.

Jaebum was running his hands through his too long hair, huffing out in frustration when it refused to sit properly and doing his best not to lose it every time Bambam’s foot collided with the back of his seat. 

“Bambam!” He snapped at the fifteenth kick. “Just because you’re going home tomorrow doesn’t mean I won’t kick your ass.”

He turned back again to see Bambam grinning at him. Mark was leant against the window, eyes closed and expression relaxed. Jaebum didn’t know how the hell he could sleep against the rattling windows, but he also wouldn’t be surprised if the boy was awake and just trying to retain some peace of mind by faking his slumber.

“But hyung- you can’t kick my ass,” Jaebum raised his eyebrow, incredulous and Bambam just grinned even wider. “It’d completely ruin the mood for your date.”

Jaebum was thankful Jackson was distracted by the kids, but he wasn’t so lucky with the nurses who didn’t miss the cusses he spat out at the Thai boy in response. Thoroughly chewed out by the staff he sat back in his seat with a frown.

Jackson finally seemed to finish chatting to the row in front, sliding back down next to him, “Hyung?” Jaebum raised an eyebrow. “What’s your favourite fish?”

Jaebum laughed softly, “I don’t know. What’s yours?”

Jackson pondered the question for a few moments, lip caught between his teeth before he smiled, “A shark.”

“A shark?” Jaebum questioned, smiling at Jackson’s definite nod.

“You know you sort of remind me of a shark,” Jackson said slyly, shoulder brushing against his. “You seem really scary from a first impression and you may came across as aggressive, but underneath you’re just a big softy.”

Jaebum flushed at his words, eyes dropping down to his knees and trying to hide his smile.

“Plus when you smile you look like one,” Jaebum’s smile turned into a frown and Jackson giggled. “You have a lot of teeth.” Jackson received a shove in response but he continued to laugh anyway. “A handsome shark!” 

“If you keep it up you’re not going to have a bus buddy on the way back.”

It wasn’t long before they arrived at the aquarium, the group piling off the bus and following the nurses inside. It was a large aquarium, one of the largest in South Korea, and Jaebum felt Jackson buzzing with excitement beside him. It was arranged in a circuit, a loop of tanks and exhibits for all sorts of marine environments and Jackson cried out in excitement when he saw the sharks on the map.

“Hyung!” He pulled at Jaebum’s arm, pointing at the map. “We can visit your family!”

They were in a large group, a few of the hospital staff steering them to the side to await a tour guide. The man arrived not too long after, tall, lanky and smiling far too brightly for it to be genuine.

“Welcome kids!” The man said brightly and Jaebum felt himself grimace as he followed the group, coming to a stop in front of a wall length tank. “Welcome to the fish tank!”

Jaebum was thankful when one of the nurses allowed the older patients to go off by themselves, promising to meet them at the end. He allowed himself to be dragged through with Jackson, Mark and Bambam trailing conspicuously behind them.

It was the first time he’d been outside of the hospital and away from the staff in almost two months and the foreignness was overwhelming. Surrounded by families and young people and accompanied by his friends he could almost forget he was there against his will. It was fun, following after Jackson as the boy hurried around the exhibits, pointing out interesting looking fish and reading the information panels for each tank with fascination.

“Jaebum-hyung look! I found Nemo!” He announced at one, pointing proudly at the tiny clownfish hiding amongst the gently swaying anemones. Jaebum was a little embarrassed to say he laughed at that, looking back to see Mark and Bambam smirking at him.

It was the jellyfish that transfixed them, the four of them gathered beside the large tank to watch the slowly drifting creatures. 

“I feel like I’m watching a screensaver,” Bambam murmured, fascinated by the stingers slowly trailing through the water. Jaebum couldn’t help but nod in agreement, entranced by them.

Jackson interrupted them by reading the information sign, “Did you all know jellyfish have existed for over 500 million years?” Jaebum’s eyebrows rose, gaze catching on the sign. He moved forward, pressing closer to the glass to get a better look and ‘accidentally’ covering the rest of the information.

“Wow that’s incredible you’re so smart,” He glanced back at Jackson. “Do you know anything else about them?”

He watched, trying to keep the smirk from his face at the way Jackson’s eyes bulged. “Uhhh-“ 

Jaebum turned back to the tank, hiding his smile at Jackson’s struggle, “It’s okay if you don’t know anything else...”

He heard Jackson scoff and turned back to him again, “No no no of course I know more hyung- I’m Jackson Wang.” Jaebum stifled a giggle and spotted Bambam and Mark’s matching grins out of the corner of his eye. “Jellyfish um…” 

He watched the stingers floating by, eyes lighting up suddenly. “Oh!” He nodded to himself. “For a jellyfish sting you should apply vinegar and ice.”

Jaebum could admit he was a little impressed, grinning at him and moving out of the way. “Good job.”

Jackson squirmed a little under his gaze. “Yeah so if I ever get stung don’t pee on me.” Jaebum choked on his tongue and he heard two clear snorts of laughter from beside them. “Because- no no no- _wait_! Because some people think-“ Jackson shoved his face in his hands. “Because some people think that’s what you do.” He groaned. “ _Oh my god_.”

Jaebum took pity on him eventually, laughter relenting as he moved to steer Jackson to the next tank. “Come on let’s keep going.” Jackson seemed relieved, easily letting himself be guided as he recovered from his embarrassment. Jaebum paused for a moment, looking back at the others trailing after them and stopping them with a look alone. “Maybe you two should go find the rest of the group.”

“But-“ Bambam protested, turning between Mark and Jaebum in shock. Mark just sighed and Bambam’s shoulders slumped. “Fine.”

It was just the pair of them after that and Jaebum couldn’t help but be highly aware of it. Jackson didn’t seem phased in the least, a bundle of energy clearly enjoying himself. He flitted between displays, pointing out funny looking fish and doing his best impersonations of their features to Jaebum’s begrudging amusement.

The following display was a favourite with tourists and children, a collection of “tanks” made from reimagined structures such as phone booths and refrigerators. The pair of them watched in fascination at the fish circling through the glass windows, Jackson giggling at one tank crafted to have the appearance of a toilet.

“Ooh look hyung!” Jaebum looked up to see Jackson pointing at a photo booth tucked to the side. “We should get a photo!”

Jaebum felt slightly bad for the photographer, clearly bored where he was standing flicking through old photos on the camera with a tired expression. He was almost the complete opposite of the tour guide they had ditched in favour of exploring alone, short, pale and tired looking, and he appeared distinctly surprised when they asked him for a photo. It was nothing fancy to be fair, just a cardboard cutout with images of the exhibits and a slogan promoting the place but Jaebum still tucked his copy of the image into his pocket for safekeeping once it was printed. 

“Hyung you really do look like a shark,” Jackson hummed to himself, considering the image of the pair of them stood together, Jaebum’s arm around his shoulders as they smiled at the camera, before tucking it into his own pocket.

“And you look like a turtle,” Jaebum replied dryly, pulling him towards the next area with a quick thank you to the staff member.

They made their way into the penguin exhibit, Jaebum smiling fondly as Jackson took it upon himself to entertain some smaller kids with his best impersonation of their walk. The penguins themselves entertained them for a little while, Jackson pointing out in delight the way they seemed to fall asleep standing anywhere. 

“Look that one’s like Mark-hyung!” He said with a giggle. Jaebum pulled him away from the animals eventually, nodding at the sign for the underwater tunnel underneath the aquarium’s largest tank.

“Huh?” Jackson said, trying to decipher the unfamiliar words. “What does that mean?”

“Just come on,” Jaebum replied, slipping his hand into Jackson’s and smiling to himself when Jackson held on without hesitation. It was just to ensure he wouldn’t lose the boy, he reminded himself as they made their way down the steep dimly lit stairs. 

The tunnel was small and tight, the top of the glass not far above Jaebum’s head and the weight of the water overhead a little daunting, but it was worth it for Jackson’s awestruck gasp.

Jaebum turned back to face him, grinning at the wonder shining in his eyes. He let go of Jaebum’s hand to move closer to the side and he tried not to feel a sense of loss at that. He followed after him, looking out at the sea life swimming so close to them.

A stingray glided overhead and Jackson cried out in surprise, grasping once more for his hand and interlocking their fingers. He smiled a little sheepishly, “This is really cool.”

It was much more like a real date than Jaebum had prepared himself for and in that moment this was unmistakable. Jackson smiled up at him, fingers interlocked and blue light filtering down on them through the water. Bright fish flittered past the glass, Jackson leant familiarly into his side and his breath caught in his throat. He had almost completely forgotten about the others as they had made their way through the displays, giggling and chatting and learning even more about one another. It wasn’t a proper date, not really, but it was still the best one Jaebum had ever been on.

“Come on,” He said, voice low. “Let’s keep moving.”

Jaebum had dated before when he was younger. It had been a few years ago, before he had finished school and fully taken on his role caring for his family. He had gone out with pretty girls, and eventually guys when he had worked that part out too, but he had given that up to focus on his family. He couldn’t do both. But now he couldn’t take care of his family and he had never been more tempted to forget about that responsibility and be selfish. 

He was pulling Jackson along gently, mind running a hundred miles a minute when he heard the younger boy cry out anxiously and his grip tighten. He turned back to see him staring wide eyed above them. He flicked his eyes upwards, gasping in surprise at the sight of a shark gliding just feet above their hears.

Jackson slid into his space, arms slipping easily around his waist as he huddled against him and Jaebum was no longer breathless from the shock at seeing the shark.

“Did you get scared?” He teased quietly, smiling down at the way Jackson was clinging to him, almost as tightly as one of the octopi they had seen earlier.

Jackson snuffled against his chest, tone petulant, “No.” 

Jaebum chuckled, “Don’t worry Jackson-ah, I’ll protect you from them.”

The boy leant back at that, arms still around his waist and smiling up at him. “Of course you will.” Jaebum’s breath caught. “You have to- they’re your family after all.”

He groaned, about to complain when Jackson gasped again. It was a larger shark this time, drifting parallel to the tunnel and Jackson watched it with wide eyes.

“Hey,” Jaebum murmured, soft words pulling his attention back to him. “We can head out now if you want.”

Jackson bit his lip, hesitant, “No… I like it down here.”

Jaebum felt himself smile, no longer admiring the beauty of the sea life around them in favor of taking in the gentle smile on his friend’s face. He was leaning in before he could stop himself, fear and reasons for hesitation forgotten as he stood there with Jackson’s warm chest pressed to his, arms holding them together.

He was mere seconds from their lips meeting, from finally taking the step he knew he had wanted to for weeks when he heard Bambam’s loud gasp.

It was almost superhuman, the speed with which they sprung apart and Jaebum flushed darkly when he looked up to see the rest of the group entering the tunnel.

Bambam was pointing excitedly at the shark, mouth opened in surprise, but Jaebum could tell Mark’s dark eyes were focused on them. He tilted his head in clear question and Jaebum shook his head just once, his frown soon mirrored on Mark.

Jackson called out in greeting, hurrying over to talk with Bambam all about the shark and the other things they had seen during their time apart but Jaebum couldn’t help feeling like he’d been robbed of an opportunity.

They didn’t end up sitting together on the bus home, Jackson and Bambam still in rapid conversation and Jaebum tried not to be too jealous. It was the youngest’s final day and he should be able to spend it with Jackson too. But he stayed silent for much of the ride, staring out the window as Mark rested on his shoulder. 

“You still need to tell him,” He heard Mark mumble, surprising him after assuming him already asleep. 

“I know.” 

“Soon.” 

“I know.”

And Jaebum did know. His feelings were too obvious to go ignored now. He knew how foolish it was and how unlikely anything good coming from his confession would be, but he also knew he couldn’t keep it contained much longer. 

He cared for Jackson. Jackson seemed to care, at least platonically for him. And even if his feelings weren’t returned he trusted the boy not to be heartless in his rejection. Plus if he was Jaebum only had a week left in the facility to suffer through the potentially uncomfortable moments it could bring.

So he got off the bus with his goal set in mind, finally determined to tell Jackson, consequences be damned. He was pulling him aside as they made their way back into the facility, asking if he could meet up on the roof to talk about something. Jackson was silent as he nodded, a small smile on his lips that had Jaebum’s heart swelling with unfamiliar optimism. They were disrupted by the arrival of another member of the hospital staff.

“Im Jaebum?” The nurse asked and he looked over in surprise.

“Yes?”

“You have a visitor.”

He glanced back at Jackson, apology ready when the boy just waved him away easily. “We can talk after dinner. Go see your mom.”

He grinned, pulling him in for a quick hug that had the younger gasping in surprise before hurrying on after the nurse. She was prattling on about visiting hours almost being over, but they were more lenient on family members, and Jaebum was filtering her out as he attempted to plan his words for later. He was broken from his thoughts when they arrived, the nurse opening the door to the visiting area and following him inside. 

He saw him sitting in the empty room, fiddling nervously with his hands in the same way Yugyeom did. He rubbed at his nose, eyes on his hands. That same nose Jaebum saw every time he looked into a mirror.

He heard the crack of that nose when his fist collided with it, launching himself across the room at his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!!! LISTEN I KNOW THIS IS SUCH A DICK WAY TO END THE CHAPTER BUT!!!! IT FELT SO RIGHT??!! but okay so... 
> 
> 1- the photographer and tour guide at the aquarium were 10000% yoongi and taehyung   
> 2- i'm incredibly sorry for such a long time between updates. if you follow me on tumblr you might know that i've been struggling a lot with my anxiety lately and this has been really hard to work on but i love this story and i really want to get it done so i'm trying really hard to get it done for you guys! thank you for your support <3   
> 3- it's my birthday so give me lots of love & affection plz *side eye emojis* 
> 
> thank you!!! & i hope you're all well!!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI HI HI HI! SORRY FOR THE DELAY PLEASE ENJOYYY~
> 
> OH & A QUICK WARNING (SORTA A SPOILER BUT IF YOU READ THE END OF LAST CHAPTER YOU KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN) FOR SOME MENTIONS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ITS NOT MENTIONED TOO EXPLICITLY BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW!!

**Chapter 16.**

The last time Jaebum had seen his father he’d been eleven years old, a panicked child cradling his brother in his arms as his father was wheeled out of the apartment on a stretcher.

He had watched the man, drunk after another unsuccessful day of gambling away their money stumble in, not long after they returned home from school. His brother had been playing around in the living room, hyper after a long day cooped up inside a classroom and trying desperately to convince Jaebum to take him to the park. He’d been bopping along to a music show, imitating the moves he saw the idols perform while Jaebum hummed along to the music and emptied out their school bags. 

Their mother was in the shower so he had put some water onto boil, thinking she could use a cup of tea to relax after another long, stressful day.

“Yugyeom-ah,” He ordered. “Stop dancing and come help me clean up.”

Yugyeom whined but came over regardless, the pair of them dancing around in the kitchen as they emptied the dishwasher. The door swung open and Jaebum winced at the sound of the handle banging against the wall, knowing from the jarring sound alone who it was. Yugyeom scampered off to greet him. 

“Dad!” He cried out. “Will you come to the park with me? Jaebum-hyung is being mean.”

Jaebum hurried after his brother, the hyper boy already getting underfoot as their father stumbled against the wall. 

“Get your brother under control, will you?” His father slurred, the scent of alcohol and smoke thick on him as he kicked off his shoes. “I’ve had a long day.”

A long day of alcohol and gambling, Jaebum thought bitterly, anger welling in his stomach. But his brother was clueless to his father’s inebriation and followed after him, clinging to the man’s side as he tried to walk.

Yugyeom didn’t know any better. He was young and innocent. He had never woken up at 3am to the sound of his father’s drunken yelling. He hadn’t ever dragged his father to bed after he passed out on the couch halfway through the day, cussing under his breath as Jaebum hid him out of Yugyeom’s sight. He hadn’t ever walked in on his mother sobbing in her room alone. Jaebum had done everything to make sure of that.

He would soon realise Yugyeom not seeing these things and not understanding the man his father was would come back around to bite him.

He heard his brother’s grunt when Yugyeom was shoved away by his father. He heard the crack of bone when he landed awkwardly, arm tangled under him. He heard his father’s annoyed curse at Yugyeom’s responding cry of pain. He heard the bang of the pot still in his hand from drying dishes when he flung it at his father’s head. 

Jaebum couldn’t hear the nurse’s screams as he pinned his father to the ground. He was clueless to the thunder of footsteps as others ran to the room. The only thing he could hear was the rush of blood in his ears and the only thing he could see was the face of the man who ruined his life, blood streaming down his face as he lay on the ground.

He didn’t even try to fight back, not trying to wrestle Jaebum off but simply doing what he could to block the punches raining down on him.

“What the fuck-“ He yelled, crying out in pain as his knuckles met bone. “-are you doing here?”

Jaebum was pulled off of him within minutes by men larger than him, the orderlies he had seen accompanying others but never encountered once himself. He screamed out in anger, legs kicking blindly at the men and his father who still lay on the floor.

“Calm down,” They ordered, pulling him further away but he continued to struggle, unable to contain the angry surge of blood through him. He was crying out, despair and pain and anger blinding him until he felt the sting of a needle entering skin. 

His vision darkened and his eyes slid closed. 

* * *

 Jaebum prayed it was a dream, just some horrible nightmare his subconscious had concocted from stress, but it wasn’t. He woke up in his room, on his back with his favorite nurse standing above him. She wasn’t one for small talk and Jaebum appreciated that.

“Jaebum-ah,” The woman tsked and he groaned. He felt a stab of pain in his hand and he looked down to see it braced once more. “You rebroke the knuckle.” She explained with a frown. “I have one pill for the pain for you to take now,” She gestured at the cup of water and pill placed on his bedside table. “You’ll get more with dinner if you need it.” 

Jaebum stayed silent, stewing in the feelings of guilt and dread sitting low in his stomach. It wasn’t until she made her way to the door that he stopped her, voice croaky from disuse, “Why did he come?”

She hovered by the door, turning back to him with a sad smile, “I think you need to call your family.”

Jaebum waited little time after that, waiting only until she left before hurrying from the room to the phones. He dialled his home number, drumming his fingers against the hard plastic until his mother picked up.

“Why did he come here?” He asked in place of a hello.

“Jaebum?” She asked in surprise. “What are you talking about?”

“Why did he come here?” He bit out once more, voice becoming strained as his heart choked his throat. “How did he even know I was in here?”

“Jaebum-ah listen to me,” His mother said, her gentle words soothing him. “I don’t know who you’re talking about.” 

His confusion gave him pause before he cursed, “Is Yugyeom there?”

He heard her sigh at his language but she assented, passing the phone to his brother. “Hello?”

“What the fuck did you do?” 

“Hyung-“ 

“You told him I was here?” He pinched his nose with his unbroken hand, fighting the strong temptation to slam it against the wall instead. “Why the fuck were you even talking to him?” 

“Hyung!” His brother pleaded, tone desperate. “He was worried about you-“

Jaebum swore again, “You’ve been talking to him about us? Yugyeom you fucking idiot.” He spoke over his brother’s protests, blinded by anger once more. “Where was his concern when he walked out on us? Where was his concern when he stole all our money and vanished? Where was his concern for the past fucking decade?”

“It’s been a decade!” He heard his brother cry out. “People can change-“

“I can’t believe you could do this,” Jaebum spat out. “Don’t you fucking dare speaking to him again and you can be the one to tell Mom you have been talking to the man who ruined our lives.”

He slammed the phone back in the holder without a goodbye, crying out in anger at the crack of plastic. He slid down to his knees, hot angry tears spilling from his eyes as he tried to force himself back together. 

He couldn’t make himself to go to dinner, unable to face the others in his state and his food was brought to him. The nurse watched patiently as he took his pain killer before leaving him to his solitude.

He knew it was Bambam’s last night but he couldn’t make himself leave his room, anger bubbling under his skin so easily he knew he would be terrible company to keep. He forced himself into bed, screaming into his pillow until the lethargy and drugs in his system had him slipping under.

* * *

In his sleep he dreamt of returning home to his family. Of seeing his mother and father seated at their small dining table with his brother eating in silence. He dreamt of watching his father throwing his brother to the ground, the image of his brother curled up on the ground so painfully familiar. He dreamt of waking up to the sound of his mother’s tears when she knew how much of their money he had gambled away. He dreamt of waking up to the sound of his mother’s tears when she could no longer afford to pay the rent by herself once he was gone. He dreamt until he woke up, and then he was no longer dreaming it. He had lived it once already and it was just memories to him, ones he could never erase from his mind.

He made his way to the dining hall, feet dragging on the linoleum as he pushed the door open. He was met with a loud greeting and looked to see Jackson, already fed and waving him over enthusiastically. His eyes were wide and bright, if not a little confused, until he caught sight of his hand and his expression faltered.

Jaebum nodded in greeting, hiding the brace behind his back when Bambam and Mark looked up too. For the first time he found himself lining up for medication, swallowing down the painkiller and praying it would soon dull the constant throb in his swollen knuckles.

He moved to eat with the others, clumsy with his hand as he ate, but careful not to draw extra attention to himself. It was Bambam’s final meal with them before he left and he ensured he would not detract from it with his own personal issues. But the way Jackson’s eyes lingered on him and the comforting squeeze to his knee he received promised he would have to talk about it with his friend sooner or later.

It wasn’t long before Bambam was saying his goodbyes, things packed up and the mood became almost emotional. Jaebum watched as he spoke seriously with Jackson, the pair pulled in tight for a long hug before separating. Jackson pressed a kiss to the boy’s head, laughing at Bambam’s fake disgusted groan.

Mark was next, surprising everyone by pulling Bambam in for his own hug. It wasn’t as long or as emotional as Jackson’s but it was still sweet. Bambam grinned at him, recent growth spurt having him hardly needing to look up to meet the tallest’s eyes, “Don’t miss me too much hyung.”

“I’ll try my best.” 

And finally he turned to Jaebum. He wasn’t sure what to expect. He hadn’t known him as long as the other two, and while he felt the familiar tug of brotherly protectiveness for him, he wasn’t always certain where they stood. But Bambam placed himself before him, suddenly almost shy as he spoke.

“I wanted to thank you,” Jaebum’s eyebrows rose in surprise and Bambam met his eyes. “For that day in the library. I know you don’t open up easily but it means a lot you would just to help me.”

Jaebum was lost for words so he pulled him in for a hug instead, telling him firmly to take care of himself. But before he turned to leave Bambam hesitated.

“Hyung?” Jaebum tilted his head in question. “Remember what you said- one slip up doesn’t ruin all your progress.” He watched the boy’s eyes flick clearly to the brace he had forgotten to hide and felt his mouth snap closed.

The other staff and patients said their goodbyes before Bambam made his way to where his family was waiting. The selfish part of Jaebum couldn’t help but feel slightly jealous, wishing it was him in Bambam’s place, but he smiled broadly when the boy reached his mother. They held each other in a tight hug, her refusing to let him go despite his embarrassed whines. But he still dropped his things despite his protests, pressing his head into her shoulder as he returned her embrace.

Jaebum blinked back tears and Jackson leant into his side, wiping a stray tear from his own eye.

“I better not see his scrawny ass back here unless he’s wearing a visitor’s pass,” Jaebum chuckled, wrapping his arm around Jackson’s shoulder as they waved goodbye. He heard what sounded like a soft sniffle and turned back to Mark, receiving a blatant glare in response.

“I had something in my eye.” 

“Was it tears?” Jackson provided helpfully. 

“Shut up.”

The moment was broken by a polite cough and Jaebum looked over to see a nurse waiting beside them. “Jaebum-ssi,” He greeted and he nodded. “I’m afraid I have to accompany you to an appointment with Dr Jeon.”

Jaebum sighed but turned to Jackson and Mark anyway, “I’ll see you both soon”

Jackson’s eyes lingered on the nurse and Jaebum couldn’t help but feel a little unsettled at the worry in his gaze. He followed after the nurse regardless, the unfamiliar silence making the feelings of dread in his stomach grow with every step. There was no small talk, no idle chatter to feel the air as they made their way to the room. He prodded at his braced hand, wincing at the jolt of pain it created and he kept walking.

For the first time in weeks when he entered his therapist’s room he was not met with a friendly smile. Instead he was instructed to take a seat and Jaebum noticed the nurse moving to stand in the corner of the room, apparently having no inclination to leave as they normally would.

“Dr Jeon?” He asked, frowning at the man’s serious expression.

“I have some bad news,” The man announced and Jaebum’s breath caught. “I’m not going to waste time because I think you deserve to know immediately that you will not be able to leave in a week as planned.” 

Jaebum felt as if the world had fallen out from underneath him and he felt a lump hard in his throat.

“I-“ He fumbled for his words. “What? Why?”

Dr Jeon looked genuinely upset to tell him, as if that was any consolation for the horrible news. “You assaulted your father on hospital grounds.” He paused to consider his next words. “The hospital cannot in good conscience recommend the release of a patient who has so clearly not been successful in their treatment.”

“I-“ Jaebum swore under his breath, trying to stop himself from falling back into the anger he so easily felt. “It’s my father- It’s- he’s a piece of shit he’s not another patient or- or a staff member he’s my father-“

“Your mother has agreed for you to stay for another two weeks-“

“Two more weeks?” Jaebum cried out in despair. “I’ve been here two fucking months you can’t tell me I have to stay even longer I don’t even have a problem I’m just bad at controlling my temper I’m not-“

“Jaebum,” The therapist interrupted. “We had to subdue you. I think it is clear that your problems with your father and your anger management extend beyond something you can handle alone.” 

Jaebum bit down on his tongue, hands shaking.

“You can check out, but you need to remember that leaving without our approval means you won’t have completed the treatment you agreed to.”

Jaebum nodded. The agreement was the only thing keeping him from being properly charged. It was the only thing keeping him from completely ruining his life for good.

“Is there anything else, doctor?” He bit out, defeated but anger still burning under his skin. Dr Jeon sighed.

“No,” He paused again. “But for what it’s worth- I am very sorry.”

“I’m sure you are,” Jaebum said venomously, standing to leave.

He was escorted back to the patient wing, hurrying straight to the library to find Jackson reclined on the couch with Mark flicking through a comic book. The older boy looked up, wordlessly shoving Jackson off the couch to follow Jaebum as he hurried away. They made their way up to the roof and for once the bitterly cold wind didn’t bother Jaebum. 

“My father visited,” He said and heard Jackson’s responding cuss. 

“And you punched him?” Jackson asked softly.

“A few times,” He admitted, moving to take a seat against the fence. “He’s not pressing charges though- so at least I don’t have to worry about that again.” 

Jackson raised an eyebrow, “So that’s why you’re in here?” Jaebum stayed silent. “You took a plea deal.”

Jaebum nodded, “I couldn’t have my mother sending her eldest son to jail for attacking his brother’s classmates.” He sighed. “So I listened to the lawyer and used my family history to make them pity me and offer to drop the charges if I completed proper therapy and counselling for my anger.”

“Fuck.” 

“Yep,” Jaebum sighed. “It was Yugyeom who told him I was here.” 

“Why?”

“Because he’s an idiot,” Jaebum sighed. “Yugyeom sees the best in people even when he shouldn’t. But it’s my fault after all, I was the one who kept him from seeing the man my father really is.”

Jackson cocked his head, “I don’t think that’s fair.” Jaebum looked surprised. “You just wanted to protect him from things you yourself couldn’t control. You were doing what you thought was right.”

Jaebum hummed, “Maybe that’s true.” He swore. “I was supposed to be out of here in a week.”

Jackson joined him on the ground, shoulders pressed together and Jaebum appreciated the comfort it brought. There was a clear sense of familiarity and he realised with a surprised huff of air that they were in the same place he had told Jackson about his issues weeks ago. “Supposed to?”

“I have to stay an extra two weeks,” He explained, too exhausted to even put the anger he felt into his words. “That is if they even decide I’m allowed to leave after that.” 

Jackson nodded at his feet, face downcast and hands gripped in between his legs to keep them warm. “That’s how it always seems to go.” He sighed, unclasping his hands and moving to take Jaebum’s unbroken one in his. “They are proud of you and how well you’re doing and the something happens and they tell you they recommend another few weeks.”

“How long were you supposed to be in here?” Jaebum asked and Jackson smiled bitterly.

“Well the last time I was put in here it was during a manic episode that swiftly turned depressive,” He hummed to himself. “You never really know how long or short they’ll be so they thought it’d just be safer for me in here. That’s when I first met Mark.” Jaebum’s eyebrows raised in surprise but he remained silent. “He couldn’t speak a lot of Korean and neither could I so we sort of teamed up.” Jackson sighed. “He got better and left and I went back into another bout of mania.”

“You must’ve been lonely,” Jaebum said softly. 

“A bit,” Jackson shrugged. “I got to know all the nurses. Mark visited a bit. I met Jooheon.” Jaebum nodded. “Mark got sent back here. I got a bit better but by that point I’d been in and out of here so many times it almost seemed easier to just stay.” 

“Don’t you ever want to leave?” Jaebum asked softly, knowing in his heart there was little he wouldn’t do to get out. 

“It’s safe here,” Jackson considered. “I know everyone. Everyone knows me. I never have to worry about when it comes back and I never have to worry about the consequences that could come from another episode.” 

“So you don’t ever want to leave?” 

Jackson considered it, looking up and catching his eyes, “I never really had a reason to.” He sighed for a moment. “I- I have gotten comfortable here… I don’t know. Maybe recently... I’ve been considering it.” 

Jaebum bit his lip, “I’d do anything to get out of here.”

“Anything?” Jackson asked and Jaebum looked over at him, confused by the seriousness in his tone. But he nodded anyway, smiling when Jackson’s face split into a grin. “Okay then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo.... that was a bit of a bummer sorry guys :D but bambam though!! happy kid gets to go home! yay!
> 
> i just wanted to say really quickly (again) how much i appreciated the response i received for the last chapter!!! to everyone who left kudos and especially everyone who took time to leave a comment- i really really appreciated them all you're so lovely to me! and your comments really help motivate me to write more so it's also a bonus for you guys with more regular updates :) so thanks again!! 
> 
> hope you're all well!! i'll try to update as soon as i can <3


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic hit 400 kudos!! i've been screaming for the past day thank you thank you <3 this chapter is like twice as long as they usually are so i hope you enjoy!!

**Chapter 17.**

Jaebum knew how to make poor decisions. He could almost consider himself an expert at making them. He had done so a million times before, rash judgments made in the heat of the moment without a second’s consideration that would affect his life forever. And he knew that he was allowing himself to repeat his pattern. He knew he was chasing after a foolish, barely scraped together figment of a plan with little hesitation and not enough trepidation but he did it anyway.

The second day after seeing his father he spent mindlessly following routine, trudging from bed to breakfast, from therapy to the library, and from the library back to the dining room. Exhaustion weighed heavy in his chest, both physical and mental, and he found himself falling back into the routine of pushing those closest to him away. 

He couldn’t find it in himself to call his friends, intentionally avoiding the phones for fear of the temptation they’d present to call Jinyoung or Youngjae and tell them about everything that had happened. He knew they’d find out eventually, but he didn’t want to be the one to tell them about it. He knew the words they would stress, how they’d tell him he had to talk to his brother, so he stuck his head in any book he could find and drowned out the world. The only call he’d accepted was from his mother, sitting through her tirade about how he needs to talk to his brother and how he needs to take care of himself but also how sorry she was. He had to cut her off eventually with the excuse of dinner, unable to sit through anymore of her blaming herself for other’s mistakes. She would be visiting anyway, the moment she had a morning free from work, so he enjoyed the momentary respite while he could.

He’d had to ask the nurse’s to stop telling him when Yugyeom called. They had been hesitant, brows deeply furrowed and mouths open to protest, but it soon became evident there was seemingly nothing they could say to make him answer the phone. He didn’t want to talk to his brother. He did all he could to not even think about him.

Their father had ruined their lives so many times before… He couldn’t believe this time Yugyeom had helped him.

Jackson was a surprisingly rare sight, only popping into the library or his room for a quick hello, before hurrying off on some mission or another with a weak excuse thrown over his shoulder. Jaebum tried not to linger on the way it left him feeling, relieved he wouldn’t have to answer any more questions about his brother but strangely unsated watching Jackson hurry away without him.

It wasn’t until at dinner, the second evening since seeing his father, that Jaebum was given any indication what the increasingly illusive boy had been doing.

Jaebum was the first at their table, pain medication already taken and swiftly digging into his meal. Mark was standing by another table, a bright smile on his face as he chatted to one of the doctors and Jaebum took a long sip of his water to try and suppress the bitterness settling in his stomach. It wouldn’t be long before Mark was leaving too, the elder though the heaviest of his depression and his condition once more something he himself could manage. He was happy for him, really, just like he was happy for Bambam and for every other person who the facility had helped with its work. But it was still hard to swallow down his food around the growing lump in his throat.

He’d only have Jackson left soon enough. At the thought the boy in question finally burst through the doorway, eyes immediately catching his and shooting him a grin before hurrying to get his meal and medication. Jaebum felt himself lift at the sight, pulled from his reverie and he almost shook his head at his own actions. He wondered if he ever could have predicted the effect Jackson would have over him. 

“So!” Jackson announced, apropos of nothing as he slid into the seat opposite. Jaebum couldn't help notice the stark contrast of his wide eyes against the dark circles bordering them. “If you could wish for one thing in the world what would it be?”

Jaebum’s brows lowered, trying to consider the question over the nervous rap of Jackson’s fingertips on the table between them, “Uh…”

“It’s not a trick question,” Jackson explained quickly, grinning wider and Jaebum winced at the way it made his heart jump. But Jackson didn’t seem inclined to let him avoid the question, nor to even show concern for the state of his heart, taking a break from the rapid song his fingers were tapping to grip Jaebum’s in his and gain his full attention. “Come on! What would you wish for?”

Jaebum stuttered for a moment before answering, still not entirely sure why he had to.

“I mean… In light of recent events I guess I’d wish I didn’t have to spend the next two weeks stuck here,” He confessed, sighing with equal relief and disappointment when Jackson released his hand and he could return to mindlessly pushing the remnants of his meal around the dish. The answer was still apparently sufficient for Jackson, earning him a happy nod and a smile before he stood. 

“Well then call me your fairy godmother!” Jackson’s smile faltered. “Godfather? God brother? No that just makes it weird…”

Jaebum looked up from his food, “Huh?”

Jackson shook his circular thoughts free, meeting his eyes with a definite nod and another equally enthusiastic grin, “This time tomorrow meet me in the library. Don’t come to dinner.” He made to step away but paused. “Oh and uh… Dress nice.” 

And without any other explanation he departed, meal untouched and eyes wide with plans Jaebum had yet to comprehend. He was a whirlwind of excitement and energy and Jaebum couldn’t help but be caught up in it. If not still a little confused.

He was shaken from his thoughts by Mark sliding into the seat opposite him, eying Jackson’s abandoned food before turning to him. 

“Why have you got that dumb smile on your face?”

* * *

The following day Jackson was just as absent and Jaebum felt himself unfamiliarly lonely in the hospital. Bambam was at home, happily getting back into his normal life surrounded by family and finally getting to be a teenager again. Mark was entertaining a visit from Jinyoung and Jaebum was consciously avoiding them both, knowing as soon as his friend caught sight of his hand brace he’d be in real trouble. And with Jackson busy Jaebum found himself sitting on the roof, rugged up in a blanket he’d stolen from his room staring out at the world beyond the hospital’s gates. Alone.

He had gone to therapy again, dodged Dr Jeon’s questions about his father and eaten all of his lunch. The pain meds dulled the pain of his broken knuckle, he smiled at the nurses and thanked them for their help whenever he could and he did everything he could to hide the rage bubbling under his skin.

They were on a quiet street, just beyond the busy traffic of outer Seoul and he found himself glaring at the fence. If everything had gone to plan he’d be checking out, at home with his family and taking care of his mother and keeping his brother from making foolish decisions. But instead, because of his young and thoughtless brother he was stuck behind that fence. 

He and Yugyeom didn’t fight often. Sure they bickered as any siblings did, but he was the older brother and he knew when to be stern and when was time to sigh and let it go. But there weren’t ever any big arguments between them, mostly just the small ones over silly things that neither of them would be able to remember once it was passed and they’d moved on. But that was in the past. 

Jaebum had known there was a wedge driven between them since he’d discovered Yugyeom hadn’t told him about the bullies. His brother hadn’t wanted to talk to him about something but part of him could slightly understand why when he himself couldn’t really talk to Yugyeom about it afterwards. But he’d been sure they’d be alright. They were brothers. A team.

He’d assumed once he got out they’d work everything out. They’d smooth over this rough patch and return to the petty, teasing and often frustrating friendship of two brothers. But instead Yugyeom had spoken to the man Jaebum would never find it in himself to forgive and he had ruined everything even further.

“Fuck,” Jaebum hissed out, pulling off the glasses he had chosen over his contact lenses and taking strange comfort in the way the world before him blurred. He lay on his back with a sigh. The figures of the clouds overhead were vague and his unfocused eyes trailed after them for hours. 

Eventually it was almost time for dinner and Jaebum dragged himself from his self-pitying retreat, finding his way back to his room to get ready for Jackson’s mysterious plot. He debated with himself over his clothes, considering those he regularly wore and the nicer clothes and shoes he’d assumed he’d only have use for on his way home. Jackson had told him to dress nice, so he pulled on his nicest jeans and made damn sure he looked the part. 

He actually took the time to consider his hair, styling his slightly too long bangs back from his brow and taking the extra moment to put in his contact lenses. Once he was ready, a jacket slung over his shoulders and shoes on, he threw himself a reassuring look in the mirror before making his way into the hall. Most of the others were already dining so it wasn’t hard to find his way to the library undetected. He slipped through the door into the calmness of the room and sighed.

He almost jumped out of his skin at Jackson’s greeting. 

“So you’re ready?” Jackson teased once he’d regained a steady heartbeat, the smirk on his lips and eyes trailing up and down his person making forming a response difficult.

“Uh,” He cleared his throat. “I don’t know?” 

Jackson didn’t seem perturbed by his apprehension, tearing his gaze from his dark jeans to meet his eyes. He was granted an excited grin before being shushed and pulled out the door, the grip of Jackson’s hand linked with his one he had no inclination to release. They made their way to the stairwell and Jaebum half expected to be lead back up to the roof, thoughts drifting too quickly to ideas of a picnic under the stars and he winced at his own embarrassing mind.

So he was surprised when instead Jackson pulled them down the stairs. His confusion went ignored and he followed after the younger regardless, even further surprised when they reached the ground floor and the fire escape door. He considered warily the text reading EMERGENCY EXIT ONLY and ALARM WILL SOUND.

Jackson seemed unconcerned, turning to him with a meek smile and requesting a boost. Jaebum complied despite himself, watching as he reached for the box overhead and pulling free some cords with little hesitation. He dropped back to the floor, landing on nimble feet and shooting Jaebum a wink. 

“That’s a lot easier when you have help,” He teased, or at least Jaebum assumed he was teasing, until he pressed down the handle of the once alarmed door and opened it to the silent darkness of night. 

Jaebum couldn’t tell if the shiver that ran up his spine was from the sudden chill of the breeze or the look in Jackson’s eyes.

They weren’t far from the fence, meters upon meters that nobody- not even with a boost- could scale. 

“Oh my god,” He realised. “We’re really doing this?”

Jackson didn’t meet his eyes, instead focused on the security guard seated in the booth beside the only gate on the premises. People came and went from it constantly, patients, staff and visitors alike, but not without first being buzzed in or out.

Jaebum couldn’t help remembering the first time he’d seen it, the cold dark grey a stark reminder of the fact he was sent there as a sort of punishment. But Jackson jabbed a sharp elbow into his ribs and his angry cry went silent when he watched the guard slowly making his way from his booth. He was headed to the main entrance, tapping away on his phone and apparently clueless to everything else.

“He goes on break every night around now to get food and go to the bathroom,” Jackson murmured, dismissing Jaebum’s raised eyebrows with a shrug. “Where do you think I’ve been the past two nights? Not sleeping that’s for sure.”

Jaebum’s breath caught, brain rapidly firing out questions, but he was unable to voice them when Jackson began pulling him towards the gate.

“They’ll have cameras,” Jaebum proposed weakly, unsure why he even felt inclined to protest.

“Well than be glad you’ll look so handsome on the recording,” Jackson giggled, stepping up to the metal and waiting patiently for Jaebum to prop a knee up and give him a boost. He did and watched Jackson pull himself up, feet wedged between the grates for grip as he finally made his way to straddle the top and looked down at Jaebum. He was eying his knuckles with concern, knowing there was no way he could pull himself up the way Jackson had and he was thankful when a hand reached down to help. 

It took a lot of panting breaths, some swearing Jaebum knew his mother would scold him over and panicked giggles but eventually they were both half over the gate. Jackson threw a couple winks and a kiss in the general director of the booth before jumping down to the other side alongside Jaebum.

His thoughts went blank once they were over, stumbling away from the gate and shocked by Jackson’s urgent hiss.

“Come on hyung! We haven’t got long before someone catches up on the footage and runs out here!”

So they ran like a pair of rookie escaped criminals, hearts beating strong in their chests and giggles tumbling out into the night’s sky.

Jaebum knew they’d be caught. It was only a matter of time. But he didn’t care with the way Jackson was smiling.

They soon warmed up from the running, reaching the closest train station and slipping past passengers onto the first inbound train without tickets.

“I may have forgotten about money,” Jackson whispered in a way that would have been secretive if not for the near silence of the carriage. He muffled a snort of laughter and Jackson slapped at him weakly. “I haven’t had to pay for things in forever don’t judge me!”

The carriage around them was reasonably full already and became even more so after their next stop, bustling with people of every character of life headed into Seoul on a busy night. Jaebum was slightly relieved the crowds would at least make it harder for them to be caught for not having tickets.

“So where do you want to go?” Jackson murmured in his ear, standing close in the packed space and smiling too widely. 

Not even a week ago Jaebum would have been able to answer without a moment’s hesitation. He wanted to go back to his family. Back to his friends and his loved ones and back to his home. But the thought of seeing any of them had his chest feeling empty and mouth tasting bitter. So instead he considered the question, fought a smile and told Jackson, “Anywhere. I just want to enjoy a night of freedom.”

Jackson seemed pleased by his response, flushing slightly and dragging him off the train only a few stops later. They found themselves soon surrounded by people, the lingering scent of alcohol and music in the air.

“Jackson-ah,” He whined as Jackson pulled him towards one of the busiest clubs, the line by the door longer than Jaebum thought could ever be reasonable. But Jackson kept pulling him, fingers interlocked and Jaebum prayed his pals weren’t going to become too sweaty. “We don’t even have IDs.”

“Ah Jaebum-hyung, just trust me this once, okay?” Jackson sung out, cutting off Jaebum’s protests that he clearly already did trust him by sideling up to one of the bouncers with a broad grin. “Shownu-hyung!” 

Jaebum didn’t know why he was surprised. Of course, even there, Jackson would know people.

“Jackson-ah,” The man replied, the bemused smile on his face something Jaebum had come to recognize as the typical response from anyone upon seeing Jackson. “What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” Jackson replied with a leer that had Jaebum frowning. “I’d assume you’d rather be inside destroying everyone on the dance floor rather out here.” 

The man laughed and shrugged easily. Jaebum tried not to be too jealous of the strong breadth of his shoulders, nor the extra few inches he had on him. He was clearly built under the black uniform shirt he wore and Jaebum couldn’t help but think about his own figure with a sigh. How was he supposed to compete when his exercise regime for the past two months had consisted of chasing Bambam around after he said something rude and wrestling Jackson for his favourite spot on the library couch. 

“They needed someone else on the door,” His eyes flicked to the line trailing around the building and the tired looking bouncer slowly making his way through it. “So…” 

“Please let us in,” Jackson pleaded, voice high and lips pouted. “We don’t have our IDs but please Shownu-hyung, it would mean a lot to us…” 

Shownu rolled his eyes, gaze catching on their interlocked hands and Jaebum felt his face flush at the knowing look it earned him.

“Jackson-ah…” He drew the word out, clearly reluctant but Jackson’s lips pouted even more and Jaebum couldn’t help but sigh fondly at his childishness. “Okay.” Jaebum was surprised by Jackson’s sudden cry of excitement, turning back to the bouncer and finding him smiling. “But if anyone asks and you get in trouble you promise me you’ll tell them it was Hyungwon who let you in.” 

“Thank you!” Jackson cried out, dropping Jaebum’s hand to jump into Shownu’s arms and press an enthusiastic kiss to his cheek. “You’re the best!” 

“I know.” 

And like that Jaebum was being steered inside the club, hands linked and he groaned when he realised his palms were definitely going to sweat.

It was a proper club, one Jaebum had never had the chance to go to, and it was a little overwhelming. Bodies filled the entire dance floor to the left, gyrating bodies and the thick scent of alcohol and sweat heavy in the air. Jaebum gulped at their movements, rough and raw and tried not to think too much about how close Jackson was to him in the cramped space. Luckily the other boy didn’t seem to notice his apprehension, pulling him through the crowd on an apparent mission until they reached the main bar. 

“Noona!”

A bartender spun around, long green-tipped hair pulled into a high pony tail and holding a cocktail shaker and a pair of martini glasses in either hand. But she thrust them into another girls hand upon catching sight of them, crying out in surprise and hurrying over. 

“Jackson-ah!” She exclaimed, leaning over the bar top to embrace him. “And you brought a friend!”

She gave Jaebum a once over before greeting him too, a sly grin on her face. 

“Hani-noona this is Jaebum-hyung,” Jaebum bowed politely, wincing at the elbow to the side he received for staying awkwardly silent. “We’re here to make sure Jaebum enjoys his night of freedom.” 

Hani paused her nodding for a moment, lips pursed as she considered them, “Jackson-ah.” Jackson smiled innocently. “How did you get here?”

“Not important,” Jackson hurried on, noticing a cocktail menu and slipping it into Jaebum’s hands. “What is important is we’re here now and we’re going to have an incredible night.”

“Okay…” Hani considered them a moment longer and Jaebum shivered under her gaze, eyes flicking self consciously down to peruse the menu. Everything was incredibly sweet sounding and he sighed knowing Jackson would make him drink one anyway. Her voice was directed at him when she spoke again though. “So you’re the one to finally convince him to leave? You must be pretty special.” 

“Noona!” Jackson hissed, shushing her quickly and Jaebum bit down his laughter. Jackson caught his eyes, feathers ruffled and lips pouted and he couldn’t help but smile anyway.

“Okay fine,” Hani’s voice broke them from their staring, Jaebum feeling his neck flush when he realised it’d lasted a moment too long.

Jackson instead crowed out happily, arm thrown around Jaebum’s shoulder and shaking him, “Yes! Two of your finest cocktails please!”

Hani shook her head good naturedly, giggles floating from her mouth as she instead turned back to serve another patron. Jaebum assumed their request had gone ignored until moments later she slipped over to them and placed two, very pink, very sweet drinks before them.

“Drinks are on me tonight, okay,” She giggled at Jackson’s loud aw. “Just have fun! And be safe.” After a stern look she almost danced away, light on her feet and greeting another customer with a bright smile on her face. The man was obviously trying for something more than just a drink and Jaebum had a little feeling he’d be doing the same if not for the boy standing beside him.

“She’s not interested,” Jackson said quietly, sipping from the straw of his drink and noting Jaebum’s attention.

“Oh I wasn’t-“

“It’s nothing personal you just don’t exactly have the right… Equipment for her,” Jaebum groaned at Jackson’s clear hand gestures, shoving the other away and beginning to make his way through the crowd with his new drink in hand.

They found a small table nearby, half hidden in the corner and still noisy but it meant two seats and a place to rest his drink so Jackson seemed contented. Jaebum sipped his own curiously, knowing on an empty stomach and with a while since his last drink he should be careful. It was sweet, not too sickly, and with Jackson’s encouragements and the pumping air around him he found himself drinking it easily. 

“So,” He began, most of his drink gone and catching Jackson’s attention. “Do you know everyone in South Korea?” 

Jackson’s half cackle made him smile, downing the last of his drink, “No!” He rolled his eyes. “Shownu-hyung is basically Jooheon’s father so I met him when he visited the hospital and Hani I’ve known since I was young. We went to school together.”

Jaebum nodded, turning his gaze to the bar where she was serving the crowds. “So not everyone in South Korea then. Just most of them.”

Jackson giggled louder, grabbing Jaebum’s empty glass and his own and dancing his way back to the bar for another. He was beautiful, chatting to Hani and the other bartenders and other patrons but always returning to Jaebum with a wide grin on his face. And every time it was with a drink and a request for a dance that after one too many tequila shots with the alcohol thick in his veins Jaebum agreed to.

“Okay,” He said slowly in a moment of silence, conscious of the weight of his tongue in his mouth and careful to make sure his words came out clearly over the music. Jackson turned back to him and tilted his head anyway.

“What was that?” He blinked a few times, own face open and bearing the signs of the alcohol Jaebum knew he too had ingested.

“Okay… I’ll dance with you.”

Jackson’s ecstatic cry was barely drowned out by the sounds around them and Jaebum laughed. The younger almost leapt of his seat and towards him, pulling at his arms and wiggling along to the music as he steered them both towards the crowd of gyrating bodies. The lights on the dance floor were even dimmer and it was only in the flashes of cameras and strobe lights that Jaebum could really see Jackson smiling back at him.

He wasn’t sure if it was from the alcohol soaking through his system or the heat in the air around him but he found himself relaxing into the space easily, matching Jackson’s over enthusiastic moves with his own. It was silly, the break from the hospital a complete illusion of freedom and happiness, but Jaebum didn’t care. Not then, with Jackson before him and nothing else to worry about but whether or not he was staying in time with the music. They were a foot apart, singing along to the lyrics over the thump of the base and laughing at themselves when the song slipped into a slightly slower one. Somehow his hands found their way to Jackson’s waist.

Jackson met his eyes, wide for a moment, before he grinned and spun to face away from him. Jaebum felt his heart fall momentarily, until Jackson slid back into his space and pressed his back to Jaebum’s front. His head leant back against his shoulder, Jaebum’s hot breath against his neck and rocked along to the music.

They were drunk and overheating and foolish and Jaebum knew he should pull away but instead be pulled him closer, hands slipping low on his waist and smiling when Jackson’s hands rested over his. There was no space between them, nothing to stop Jaebum from revelling in the warm press of Jackson against him and his heart choked his throat.

There were pairs around them doing much more than they were. If he was sober he’d likely be horrified at the couple moments from getting arrested for public indecency only feet away, but it was still so much to take in. Jackson was so close and dancing with him and only him. Jackson wanted to spend his night of freedom with Jaebum and his eyes slid shut to savour it as he gripped Jackson’s hips tighter.

“You can dance with someone else if you want,” He was broken from his moment by Jackson’s comment, the shorter pulling away slightly to look back at him. His face was unreadable as he repeated himself, mistaking Jaebum’s silence for him not hearing him. 

“No!” Jaebum barked back, wincing at his desperation. His brain was foggy and slow and he struggled to find the words with Jackson’s eyes on him. The alcohol was good for relaxing him, for making it easy for him to forget everything but then and now and slip into the atmosphere, but it also made his mind significantly stupider. “Fuck.”

Jackson’s hands dropped from over his and he spun around, wide grin confident but there was something else hidden in his eyes, “You should have fun!”

Jaebum groaned at his own inability to express himself, thoughts still scattered to the wind. He received an accidental elbow to the side from another person, in the way with the way they were standing still and he slid back into Jackson’s space.

“I am having fun,” He admitted, hoping in the dim lighting Jackson wouldn’t be able to see the dark flush on his face when he circled his waist and pulled them together again. “With you.” 

A slightly breathless laugh left Jackson’s mouth but he didn’t pull away, arms coming to rest on Jaebum’s shoulder as they resumed their dance. It was different, face to face, and the intimacy had Jaebum’s stomach rolling. He was thankful for the alcohol in that capacity at least, keeping the anxiety bubbling under his skin from becoming overwhelming and allowing him to enjoy it. 

They were together, hips rolling and the sheen of sweat on Jackson’s face left him almost glowing in the faint lighting. He was stunning, flicking his hair of his forehead and beginning to sing along again as he embraced their night of freedom. He was beautiful. So beautiful. Jaebum had never wanted anything so badly in his entire life.

But they were in a club, surrounded by strangers and friends alike and the couple nearby had departed from their passable grinding to the man sliding his hand up his partner’s skirt. It was stifling, Jaebum smothered under the thick scent of alcohol and sweat and he bit down on his tongue.

Hani had said he was special if Jackson had left his safe place for him. Jackson had never wanted this freedom, he had never wanted to leave before but he’d done so for Jaebum. He’d taken a leap, one that would get them both in significant trouble, and he’d taken it without any hesitation just to make Jaebum have this brief happiness. Jackson deserved better than a muffled confession and a first kiss in a sketchy nightclub.

The alcohol clouding Jaebum’s mind cleared and he made a decision.

He leant down to murmur in Jackson’s ear, just loud enough for him to hear over the music, “Come on. Let’s get out of here.” 

It was his turn to steer Jackson through the crowd, towards the door after waving a good-bye and thank you to Hani and nodding gratefully to Shownu. They began to walk, Jackson buzzing with energy beside him and his heart thundering in his chest. He wasn’t sure where they were going, just somewhere, anywhere away from the crowds and loud music and drunks littering the footpaths. Away from everything. Just for a moment.

Jackson had given him more than he should have ever asked. It was Jaebum’s turn to try and repay him.

They were blocks away when Jackson finally caught his attention, curiosity too strong and he tugged on Jaebum’s wrist.

“Hyung!” They were at the side of a road, watching cars race past and waiting for the lights to change to cross. Jaebum couldn’t help wondering where all their occupants were headed. What their role in his life held. If any of them would pay more than a seconds attention to the pair of mental hospital patients desperately trying to escape from everything for one night. “Hyung!” Jackson whined again, this time louder, and Jaebum looked back at him with a sigh.

He was practically bouncing in place, fingers tapping against the back of Jaebum’s hand and he had to look away.

Jackson was so different to him. So beyond anything Jaebum had ever thought he would want. He was loud and annoying and obnoxious and enthusiastic and so full of love and care for everyone around him. Jaebum knew he was completely inadequate. Jackson was everything Jaebum had thought he hated but everything he wished he could be. Jackson was the bright light and Jaebum was the foolish bug drawn to it, damn any and all consequences. He couldn’t help it, it was Jackson who adored everyone and whom everyone adored in return.

Jackson was incredible and Jaebum was completely in love with him.

He realised he’d been staring silently at the ground, Jackson’s hand squeezed tight in his and none of the words churning in his head making their way from his lips. But none of it mattered when Jackson laughed at his frustrated sigh and reached a shaking hand up to his jaw to pulled their mouths together. 

A soft gasp escaped him and he dropped his grip on Jackson’s slide it up his fingers to run his hands up arms, warmth settling in his stomach at the shiver it earnt him. Jackson tasted like alcohol and sugar, bitter and sweet, and Jaebum felt himself get even drunker on the flavor of it. All the time spent yearning, the hours upon hours of wondering and replaying the missed moments over and over in his head, couldn’t prepare him from the way he’s knees fell weak, body swaying forward as he returned the kiss he had waited so long for.

But he pulled away anyway, hazy eyes fighting to focus on the sight before him and he couldn’t bite down the smile on his face at Jackson’s noise of protest.

“Wait-“ He breathed, voice weak but he had to form the words. Jackson needed to hear them and he needed to say them but Jackson just whined louder. “Wait wait wait-“

“I’m done with waiting- this is our night to let go,” Jackson leant back in, pressing a firm kiss to his lips before whispering in his ear. “We’re finally free.”

And with that Jackson slipped from Jaebum's arms, not sparing a moment’s glass for the DO NOT WALK sign overhead nor the rapidly oncoming traffic, and sprinted for the median strip at the centre of the road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D
> 
> soooo.... this chapter is the chapter this entire fic has been built upon so I hope you liked it!! i'm so nervous! i know the cliffhanger is mean but... you should know better than to expect me to to end a chapter nicely (:
> 
> please leave comments/kudos/come yell at me on [tumblr ](http://fight-me-jaebum.tumblr.com/) :) thank you so much for all your support!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooooooo.... let DO THIS :D

**Chapter 18.**

Jaebum’s heart was beating faster than the cars speeding past them. The wind whipped at his face and he felt the deep rumble of their engines in his chest as he choked down a panicked sob. He felt himself shake with the boy in his arms and forced his eyes closed, hoping to block out the headlights blinding him, but they shone through his lids regardless. So he pressed his face tightly to Jackson’s neck and prayed that he’d wake up any moment. This would just be some awful dream and the fear he felt quake through him would simply be a faint memory, so soon forgotten.

But he didn’t wake up.

Jackson’s hands were pushing at him, choked gasps leaving his friend’s throat as the stabs of pain it made jolt up his wrist. The wrist Jaebum had watched him fall on, narrowly dodging a speeding sedan only to trip and come crashing down on the fragile joint. His scream had caught in his throat. Useless and faint he had watched Jackson barely make it to the median strip, jumping up and dodging another on coming truck. He had turned back to Jaebum with a wide grin, the bright eyes and exhilarated grin on his face a stark contrast to the horror Jaebum knew to be on his own.

He had been milliseconds from being hit. Milliseconds from going through someone’s windshield of under their wheels. Milliseconds for Jaebum watching on helpless and terrified as his friend was killed. Milliseconds for Jaebum being the reason his friend was killed.

“Fuck,” He fought for his breath. His head was spinning, ringing with anxiety as the weight of alcohol crushed against his temples.

Jackson hadn’t even noticed the hurt at first. He had released an almost hysterical laugh and a wave before the pain cut through adrenaline and his face crumpled in shock. Jaebum had been forced to watch helplessly from across the still busy lanes. To watch as the panic and sharp throb of broken bones sliced through the excitement. His throat was so tight he was almost choking, needing nothing more in the world than to get to him. He had needed to make sure Jackson was safe. He needed to protect him and keep him from harms way. It was all he ever needed. But he couldn’t. 

The seconds had felt like hours, standing there waiting for the lights to change. Even the sprint across the lanes was hours too many before he caught Jackson in his arms and tried to hold tight his shaking figure.

Even with Jackson in his arms he knew he wasn’t safe. And it was Jaebum’s fault.

Jackson tried to keep him off, angry panting breaths bursting from him as he tried to push Jaebum away but there was nothing that could make him release his tight grip. 

“Come on,” Jaebum pleaded, eyes watering at the sting of his voice rough in his throat. “Please Jackson-ah… Please.”

The lights changed once more and he pulled Jackson across to the other side, forcing him to the ground against his protests. He was away from the cars. Away from the car horns and blaring headlights. But it was too late.

Jaebum felt the bile rising in his throat, alcohol and adrenaline fighting in his veins and leaving him nauseous and numb.

It was his fault. His fault. His fault.

Jackson wouldn’t be out here if it wasn’t for him.

Jackson would be safe.

It was because of him.

It was his fault.

Again.

He was broken from his circling thoughts, saved from the panicked cycle by the sound of a yell and he blinked once, twice, before realizing the voice was aimed at him. It was a man, a business man probably headed home from a long week of work, running towards them with car keys in one hand and his phone in the other.

Jaebum watched him, drowning in confusion and distress until he could comprehend who he was. The driver of the sedan, who had laid on the horn and the breaks and been the only reason Jackson hadn’t been hit. 

If he’d been texting or changing his music and missed the boy dressed in dark clothes sprinting across the road… Jaebum stopped his mind from thinking any further.

“Are you okay?” The man was repeating as he hurried over and Jaebum’s heart throbbed at the question.

Jackson’s usual glowing skin was quickly becoming pallid, a sickly sheen of sweat gathering on his brow and Jaebum’s knees were growing more and more unsteady. He didn’t know what to do, unable to get any real response from Jackson as he himself felt himself hurtling towards the numb panic he knew only too well.

So he did the only thing he could. He told the man they needed an ambulance, and despite the guilt heavy in his stomach, asked him to call the mental hospital.

It didn’t seem long before the paramedics arrived but thinking back on it Jaebum couldn’t honestly determine how long he’d sat there on that roadside. Their calm had been almost unnerving when they approached, faces impassive but focused as they assessed the pair of them and asked their never ending series of questions. He couldn’t meet Jackson’s eyes as they considered his wrist, gathering himself in the blanket they handed him and curling in on himself too fearful of the betrayal he might see on the other’s face. 

Hani had called him special. Special enough for Jackson to help him escape and leave the place he’d called home for so long. His rough scoff surprised even him at the thought. He wasn’t special. He was just selfish and stupid. Jackson should have never trusted him. 

He answered the paramedics questions. His voice so dull and empty it sounded unfamiliar even to his own ears. Jackson was secured to a stretcher and Jaebum steered to the the back of the ambulance behind him.

His vision was blurry and spinning as he walked but he still caught sight of Jackson’s tear-stricken face as he was seated. Where there should be a wide, bold smile there was a hard plastic mask pumping pain killers quickly into his system. The eyes, always so full of life and happiness slid closed before Jaebum could even catch them. 

“I’m…” Jaebum dragged the words from his unwilling lungs. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

The ambulance began to drive and Jackson didn’t make a sound. Jaebum pulled his blanket tighter around his shoulders.

* * *

His mother loved to tell him not to do anything stupid. She use to say it to Jaebum and Yugyeom multiple times a day even. Before she left for work in the morning. When she called to check in on him in her lunch break. When Yugyeom returned home and immediately called asking if she could force Jaebum to take him to get some food. When she got home after a long day to find them fighting for control of the TV remote. 

“Don’t do anything stupid,” She’d sigh, as if having already accepted they would do it anyway.

Jaebum wondered what she’d have to say this time.

They were separated when they arrived back at the hospital, Jackson wheeled off to have his wrist examined and Jaebum escorted straight to his room to wait for them to decide what they were going to do with him.

Maybe they’d transfer him, he considered numbly. He was a legitimate troublemaker now. He’d attacked his father and convinced one of their patients to break him out. He'd taken said patient on an ill-fated joy ride around downtown Seoul out of his own selfish desires. He was unpredictable and uncooperative and, if he considered it, untreatable.

Months there and he’d gotten nowhere. He’d made no progress. He was the reason Jackson had been drunk on that sidewalk and he was the reason he’d been hurt. 

Jackson was hurt because of him.

Jaebum wondered if there would ever come a day he could stop causing pain to those he cared the most about.

He didn’t get more than a few hours sleep before his eyes snapped open, hair damp against his forehead and heart racing in his chest. Guilt and the after effects of alcohol had his stomach turning but he knew he deserved it. His dreams had been dark and loud and it was almost a relief to be broken from them by the knock on the door. 

The knock did however mean his plans for the day of lying in bed and praying for the past 24 hours to be a horrible dream would not be possible.  

Instead he spent breakfast in the company of Dr Jeon, on the receiving end of frustration and concern and Jaebum’s apology sounded weak even to him. 

“Why did you do it?”

Jaebum loathed that question. It was patronizing and illogical. It was as if they ignored the fact there was a very clear answer in favour of forcing him to speak the words himself. Nobody would ask an inmate why he would want to escape prison. He didn’t understand the use of forcing him to explain his motives for wanting to leave the hospital.

“Because I wanted to.”

It was that simple, really. And Jaebum hated the way Dr Jeon’s eyes slid closed and his head nodded sadly. 

He wasn’t sure why people were still surprised by his actions. He was selfish and careless and weak. It was time people stopped expecting any more from him.

At least the questions turned to logistics after that. How they’d gotten out, how much alcohol they’d consumed and whether they’d partaken in any drugs. Question upon question about memories that made Jaebum’s chest sting. He made weak explanations, shrugged off further questions and avoided eye contact for over an hour before the man gave up.

“You can go,” He said with a frown. “Just… Just be thankful there were no police involved in this. I know how much you dislike it here and I would hate for them to think of adding any more time to your stay when you want to get home so badly.”

From anyone else it would sound like a threat, a warning not to overstep his bounds any further, but from Dr Jeon it was something else entirely and Jaebum bristled at the pity he heard heavy in his voice.

“Thank you.” 

He bowed and stood, eager to escape the room but was stopped once more. 

“Have you called your mother?” Jaebum paused by the door, hand outstretched and he felt his shoulders tighten.

“Are you going to?” He knew the man would note the accusation in his voice and he heard the soft sigh.

“No. I’m your psychologist it’s not my job to tell anyone but your doctor anything you don’t want me to,” Jaebum made for the door handle once more. “But I think you need to.”

Jaebum left the room without another word. The halls were strangely empty as he met the nurse and followed him back to the patients ward, mind flicking through thoughts to quickly he could hardly get a grip on any single one.

He knew he needed to talk to his mother. He knew he needed to talk to his brother. He knew he needed to talk to his friends and everyone who had been with him through it all. But no matter how long he lingered by the phones, no other person in sight, he couldn’t bring himself to dial the numbers he knew by heart. 

There was too much to think about. Too many emotions churning through his stomach. His chest was heavy and his thoughts scattered. He still hadn’t spoken to any of his family since hearing about his father and the thought of talking to them about this was almost impossible to handle. 

But there was something more urgent to take care of. 

He needed to talk to Jackson. 

It had been over twelve hours since he’d seen the boy last and he couldn’t even feel shame at how much he already missed him. His head spun as he turned away from the phones, hangover still clinging to his skull as another unwelcome reminder of his mistakes. It would pass soon enough. He could deal with the nausea later. He needed to talk to Jackson.

It was his fault Jackson had broken them out. It was because of him Jackson had been drinking, trying to help him forget about the problems he had made for himself and make him have a fun night. It was because of his selfishness, his need to pull Jackson from the club and talk to him that it had happened. 

He couldn’t completely bar out the nervous voice in the back of his mind, prodding for answers about the kiss and fostering a little sprout of hope through the gloom. If there could be one good thing that came from his disaster he hoped it could be the kiss. He knew he was being too optimistic, too gullible and naïve believing things could work out, but he couldn’t help the hopefulness curling its way into his chest. 

Jackson had kissed him. 

Jackson had kissed _him_. 

He had been drunk and caught up in the moment and it probably meant nothing but…

Jaebum let himself hope anyway.

But first and foremost he owed him an apology, a very big very long apology that Jaebum’s scattered brain was struggling to piece together but he walked on anyway. He needed to see him. To make sure he was okay and reassure himself that in his stupidity he hadn't completely destroyed yet another beautiful thing. He had a basic idea, a scrap of a speech prepared when he reached Jackson and Mark’s room.

But instead of opening the door to find Jackson he instead came to a stop in front of Mark, slumped on the ground beside the closed door with his forehead pressed tight to his knees.

“Hyung?” It was a sight unlike any he’d ever expected, dropping to a crouch and unable to hold in the gasp when Mark’s head raised. His eyes were ringed with red, the glistening trails of fresh tears making patterns down his cheeks and Jaebum’s lips moved wordlessly. 

“This is all my fault,” Mark said weakly. “I should have known.”

Jaebum’s brows raised in shock, head shaking vehemently as he raised a hand to rest against his friend’s shoulder. “What? No- no it wasn’t at all this is all my fault. I’m the one who put the idea of leaving in his head in the first place…” He swallowed past a growing lump in his throat. “This all happened because of me. I’m the reason he was drunk.”

Mark’s expression was unfamiliar, confusion turning to something else as he stared at Jaebum silently.

“I should have known better- we shouldn’t have drunk so much and I shouldn’t have followed along with the idea in the first place,” Jaebum released an unsteady breath. “Don’t blame yourself for any part in this.”

“Jaebum,” Jaebum’s mouth snapped closed at Mark’s tone, so hollow and removed it sent a cold trickle down his spine. “Jackson is having a manic episode.” 

Jaebum’s legs could no longer support his crouch, sliding to the floor and matching Mark’s slumped posture as the words sunk in. His arms were weak, boneless as they fell to the ground on either side of him and if he had any food in his stomach he was pretty sure it would have made an ungraceful return via his mouth. He could suddenly understand Mark's expression. It was defeat. Pure defeat.  

“I-“

“I didn’t notice any of the warning signs,” Mark’s voice was still empty, eyes unseeing as he stared across the hall. “Because I was too busy with my own life to notice what he was going through. He wasn’t eating, he wasn’t sleeping, he was forgetting things and struggling to keep himself together and I couldn’t see past my own stupid fantasy of a love story to realise it.”

“I- I…” Jaebum bit down on his tongue, all words seeming useless and insufficient. 

It wasn’t Mark’s fault. Jaebum had been the reason for Jackson to be outside the hospital. Jackson had been happy, safe and comfortable. Completely prepared and safe for when something like this this happened. Jackson had been perfectly happy before him. Jackson could have been surrounded by nurses and doctors, trained and equipped to help him get through the episode in a safe and contained environment. But Jaebum had been caught up in the idea of freedom so Jackson, sweet, too-caring and too-trusting Jackson, had helped him escape.

He had been so selfish and too drunk on Jackson’s attention to realise how much danger he was putting the other in. He was repeating his mistakes yet again. He was nothing if not consistent.

His mind drifted back to the kiss and he stood quickly, snapping his thoughts so far from those greedy thoughts he almost got whiplash.

Love was supposed to mean putting the person you cared about first. 

Jackson had been experiencing mania and Jaebum had caused him to get hurt. That was all that mattered now.

“No,” Jaebum said firmly. “No no no.”

Mark didn’t even seem to hear him, too consumed with his own internal war to notice Jaebum walking away without a single glance back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D 
> 
> plz dont send me hate mail 
> 
> sorry 4 angst
> 
> i'll try to update asap but i do have exams to prep for so it might be a little while!! thank you for reading/commenting/leaving kudos ur support is appreciated more than u could ever know <3


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have returned!!!! plz enjoy <3

**Chapter 19.**

Once again Jaebum found himself well and truly alone in the hospital.

The halls were busy as usual, patients and nurses hurrying from appointments to therapy to meals, but Jaebum was alone amongst it all. He wasn’t entirely sure whether that was for the best or not. 

He heard their whispers when they thought he was out of earshot, the echoed comments an unfortunate side effect of the long corridors and linoleum floors. He should have expected it. After all it wasn’t too often a patient attacked their own father, broke out of the facility and almost got their most beloved patient killed within the span of a week.

Even those nurses he liked, the ones who still smiled and treated him with their usual friendliness… He could see through their façade. The concern in their eyes and the pity he didn’t deserve. 

It was lonely. 

It was the isolation he figured he had earned for himself.

The library was empty. Mark stayed holed up in his room for hours on end only emerging for mandatory therapy and meals. Jaebum couldn’t bring himself to talk to his friend again, watching him from across the dining hall as he picked over his food and hardly ate more than a few bites of it. There was no Bambam, their youngest at home with his family away from it all. Jaebum hoped he was doing well, preparing for his return to school and taking care of himself. And then there was Jackson.

Jackson was nowhere to be found, at least not by Jaebum who couldn’t even seek him out. He had been moved to a different wing, away from the other patients to receive the personal treatment he needed. Jaebum tried not to think about him too much. He was better, safer out of Jaebum’s destructive grasp. 

But with little more to do than sleep and go to therapy it was hard to keep his thoughts from straying.

He hadn’t heard from Jinyoung in what felt like an infinity and as much as the petty and self-pitying part of him wanted to mope and find it entirely the other’s fault he knew he’d played a role in their growing distance. Jinyoung was busy, living his own life and working hard to make the best of himself and Jaebum… Jaebum couldn’t even find it in himself to reach out.

His family he knew little of too. His mother and Yugyeom, who were two of the most important people in his life, and two of the people he was most scared of speaking with. He had fucked up. He had made a terribly careless judgment and the thought of telling his mother about it, or adding to the already growing pile of guilt he had hurled on his brother was unbearable. Yugyeom was an idiot, a careless fool with too much love and trust in his heart, and Jaebum couldn’t help but listen to the brotherly instincts roaring in his chest that even now it was up to him to protect them from his own problems.

So he couldn’t call them. But instead he found himself finally making his way to the phones, confident tread attempting to disguise his rolling stomach. Apologies were never his strong suit but he dialled the numbers he had readily memorized, waiting on bated breath until he heard the line click and a voice answer.

“Hello?”

“Youngjae?” 

He heard his friend’s surprised cry on the other end, a soft smile sliding onto his face at the genuine happiness he exuded. Jaebum could sit and doubt the strengths of his friendships, he could tear himself to pieces wondering how anyone could care about him and his selfish self, but a moment on the phone with Youngjae and his fears were already well on their way to being quieted.

“Hyung!” He heard the squeak of Youngjae’s cheap mattress and rolled his eyes. The younger was almost definitely in the middle of a Netflix marathon cuddled up in bed with his puppy. “I was wondering when I’d hear from you…”

Jaebum’s chest thumped, guilt clenching him again and he hid his frown turned to the wall. “I know I know-“ He sighed. “I’m sorry I know I’ve not been a very good friend lately… To anyone, really.”

Youngjae’s fond sigh came through the line before he giggled and Jaebum heard a matching yip that meant his Netflix in bed theory was almost definitely accurate. “Jaebum-hyung if we stopped being friends every time you fell out of touch we would’ve stopped being friends a very long time ago.”

Jaebum can’t help his offended cry, “I’m not that bad at keeping in contact!” He paused. “Okay fine maybe I’m not the most reliable replier.”

“Hyung I’ve gotten texts back from you a week later saying ‘sorry I was taking a nap’… A week, hyung,” He rolled his eyes at Youngjae’s dry tone but he couldn’t help but smile at the fond undercurrent to it.

“Aish okay fine I’m terrible I’m sorry.”

“Oh shut up don’t get all bent out of shape over it- it’s all water under the bridge,” He hummed and murmured something Jaebum was pretty sure was directed at his canine companion and not him. That or Jaebum had somehow managed to chew holes in his socks and step in his food despite the distance between them. “So are you done being dramatic?”

“I’m your hyung-“

“I’ll take that as a no but anyway...” Youngjae motored on without care. “Have you spoken to Jinyoung-hyung?”

“No,” His stomach turned at the guilt his answer created, calling Youngjae rather than the friend he’d known for so many years. But it wasn’t a purposeful thing. But when it came to his situation the idea of talking to Jinyoung meant more complications to an already complex situation and the outside perspective of an uninvolved Youngjae was preferable. “Why?”

“I think Mark-ssi called and broke things off with him.”

Oh.

Fuck.

Jaebum echoed his thoughts and Youngjae hummed in agreement.

“When?” He asked, despite being almost certain of the response.

“Yesterday, I think,” Youngjae said, confirming Jaebum’s thoughts and he audibly cursed again. “I don’t know exactly what happened but Jinyoung-hyung called in the morning asking if I wanted to come with him to visit you both today and I said sure… But then a few hours later he texted calling it off. I called him back because I thought it was a little strange but his phone just rung out.”

Jaebum’s eyes slid shut, defeat heavy in his chest and he pinched his nose between his forefingers. Yet another thing to add to the already growing list of things he’d ruined by being so selfish.

“You can’t tell him I told you any of this,” Youngjae decided. “It’s a lot of speculation but… Hyung? Hyung are you still there?”

“Oh Youngjae-yah,” Jaebum sighed. “I messed up. I messed up really badly.”

He couldn’t keep it in any longer, palm pressing hard against his eyes as he recounted the past few days and all the stupid mistakes he had made over them. The escape, the alcohol, the attempted confession turned near death experience… The manic episode and how because of Jaebum he had been in harms way during it. The fact that his actions had sent Mark back into the spiralling pit of depression he had only just clawed his way out of.

“No no no-“ Youngjae tried to interrupt but Jaebum couldn’t stop. “This isn’t because of you-“

“He escaped for me,” Jaebum said, voice as hollow as the emptiness in his chest. “After he came to visit.”

“Who?” The silence lingered for a moment before Jaebum heard a quiet inhale as Youngjae realised and spoke once more, voice scratchy with suppressed emotion. “You saw him and you didn’t tell us? You didn’t tell anyone?”

“Only Jackson.”

“Oh hyung.”

“It was Yugyeom who had told him where I was.”

The line was silent as Youngjae collected his thoughts and Jaebum’s teeth tore into his chapped lips.

“I’m going to say something now,” Youngjae decided and Jaebum nodded, before catching his action and agreed verbally. “And you have to promise not to kick my ass when you get out of there.” Jaebum groaned. “No! Promise me.”

“Okay fine,” Jaebum relented. “Talk.”

“You’re an absolute idiot,” Youngjae ignored Jaebum’s annoyed cry. “Hyung I am aware that you find it difficult to talk and share things but we are your friends and your family. You have so many people in your life who care and worry about you but you refuse to share your burden with them and it’s crushing you.”

“I told Jackson-“

“You told one person!” Youngjae interrupted. “Jackson-ssi is special to you so you told him. But you’re special to him too and it seems he would shoulder the weight of your problems without any concern for those of his own he’s already carrying. Everyone has their own struggles to handle and you cannot put that kind of weight on only one person.” He paused. “You have to share no matter how hard it is.”

Jaebum was silent for a moment, two, before he could speak again. “You know I thought I was the hyung in this friendship.”

He heard Youngjae’s surprised cackle and a soft smile found its way onto his face, “Oh believe me you definitely still are but lately you’ve gotten very good at acting otherwise.”

Jaebum rolled his eyes but let him get away with the jibe, eventually shooing him off the phone and promising to check in with him again soon.

He was still leaning against the wall by the whole, Youngjae’s words of advice front and centre in his mind, when he was interrupted by a soft throat clear.

“Jaebum-ssi,” He turned to greet one of the nurses, one of the kind ones with the pity in her eyes and his chest ached. You have visitors.” 

* * *

 

They were seated at their regular table, Yugyeom’s downcast eyes focused on his clasped hands and his mother’s hands brushing through his hair to tidy it. The squeak of his shoes alerted them to his arrival, standing nervously in the doorway and he shivered at the way their eyes immediately flickered to him.

His brother looked so much older than the boy he had grown up beside. Gone were his soft cheeks and boyish smile, replaced with a slimmed jawline and height that still made Jaebum a little annoyed. But his eyes remained the same, full of the innocence and uncertainty that had Jaebum’s residing anger crumpling like paper.

There were few others he wouldn’t have been embarrassed in front of at the way his breath caught, the soft quiver of his bottom lip and the rush of heat to his face as he fought with his emotions. Even only months ago he would have been ashamed of the hot tears sliding from his eyes but he was exhausted and drained from the emotions battling within him and he couldn’t keep up the wall hiding them anymore. Not from his family.

His mother hurried to him, hushing his attempts to talk and pulling him tight to his chest as if her care could piece him back together. These days he had to lean down to rest his chin on her shoulder and tuck his face down to press against her neck, but she still brought the same comfort she always had. He decided if anyone could heal the loneliness heavy in him it was them. He felt her hands brushing down the back of his head, soft words of comfort murmured to him as she tidied the mess of his hair.

She released him eventually, tugging up his chin and reaching into her purse for a packet of tissues. He tried to dodge her, feeling childish and embarrassed, but she gripped his chin tight anyway and cursed his stubbornness as she wiped the tears from his face.

“You’ve think I wasn’t your own mother the way you complain at me,” She hushed, speaking over his groans. “I raised and fed you for two entire decades now shut up and let me do my job.”

He relented eventually, soothed by the way she assessed him and thoroughly mopped up his red face. And then she took a step away and he found himself staring at Yugyeom.

His brother was speaking before he could get any of his own words out, voice uneven with emotion but full of honesty, “Hyung I’m so sorry.”

Jaebum shook his head but his brother carried on regardless.

“I never knew the whole story about him and I acted naïvely and I broke your trust.”

Jaebum hushed him, a sense of calm washing over him at the realization that he no longer needed to hear the words his brother was rushing to get out, “Yugyeom-ah you don’t need to appologise to me.” Yugyeom’s words died in his throat and his eyes bulged, thrown by his calmness and Jaebum rolled his eyes. “We both made our fair share of mistakes in this mess. But we’re brothers.”

He pulled him from his seat, dragging him in for a hug and he couldn’t help the curse that escaped his lips. “You really need to stop growing so much.” He pulled away to turn back to his mother, smiling softly at the sheen of unshed tears in here eyes. “How much are you feeding him these days?”

She laughed, “More than I fed you apparently.” His raised eyebrows went ignored as she steered them back to the table. “Now-“ She forced him to hold her eyes. “How are you doing?”

The reassurance was halfway from his mouth when he cut it off, eyes turning heavenward as he steeled himself for the conversation that had been a long time coming. Youngjae’s words rung in his ears, the reminder that these were the people who loved him and would stand by him through it all. But only if he allowed them to.

“I-“ He cleared his throat, swallowing a hard lump with a wince. “I have a lot of things I need to appologise for. I have not been a good son or a good brother and not just since coming here.” He hushed their protests. “I have a problem that I’ve ignored and denied for so long I’ve let it control me and I don’t want to anymore. I’m done with letting those I care about the most being hurt because of me.”

He met his mother’s eyes, heart swelling at the pride he saw in them and even though he didn’t think himself worthy of it, he hoped he could be again soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY JAEBUM TALKING!!! AND OPENING UP!!! WHAT A CONCEPT 
> 
> I'm so sorry for the huge delay you guys :( tbh I don't even have a good excuse beyond finishing uni/ playing too much overwatch/ my old mate anxiety... but! i've written final drafts of chapter 20 AND chapter 21 so... updates should actually be regular!! 
> 
> thank you so much for everyone who's stuck by this fic through what has been a rough time for me it means a lot :')


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys enjoy...

**Chapter 20.**

He didn’t realise how long they had been there until the nurse knocked on the door, catching their attention and breaking them from their conversation.

“Jaebum-ssi,” She nodded politely to his family. “Dinner is being served soon so if you’d like to say goodbye to your family that would be appreciated…”

She slipped back outside and Jaebum turned back to his mother, feeling a little like a scolded child, “Oh- I…”

“We’ll see you soon,” She answered, nodding to Yugyeom who agreed with a bright smile. Jaebum’s heart tugged in his chest. “You’ve only got a week left, honey.”

Only a week.

He had almost forgotten about the time passing by, too caught up in everything else to take note of his impending release. He couldn’t work out whether it was a welcome or unwelcome reminder. He had only one more week and all of it would be finished. He would go home, leave behind the facility and all of the memories he’d created there and try to regain some semblance of normality back in his regular life.

He suddenly understood the nervousness Jackson always displayed when he spoke about leaving.

Jaebum knew he should be excited, and underneath his apprehension he knew he was. He was not supposed to spend his life within those walls. He had friends and a family and couldn’t stay cut off from the reality of the outside world forever. But that knowledge didn’t help make the thought of leaving for good any less daunting.

“Right,” He nodded with the confidence he didn’t actually possess. “Only a week to go.”

His mother and brother left soon after, taking with them the calmness and confidence that came with family and he felt himself slip back into the familiar state of loneliness. It was quiet. Quiet and boring and tiring, but at least the clock on his wall kept slowly but surely ticking away.

It was as if the time was passing slower than ever before, but he stuck to his schedule with precision. He went to therapy and answered questions, he went to music lessons and tried to translate his stagnant energy into something worth singing, he tried to catch Mark’s eyes at dinner and always failed. He couldn’t manage to keep his eyes from lingering on the empty table of the centre of the room.

He didn’t know much about Jackson. But he knew he would be safe and medicated and out of reach until he was coping better with his state.

That was all he could bear asking from the nurse before the heavy guilt in his chest became suffocating and he had to hurry back to his room and repeat his breathing exercises for the third time that day. Jackson was safe and out of reach, and Jaebum told himself that was enough.

He didn’t know if he’d ever see him again. He didn’t know if he should. He didn’t know if he even wanted to.

One of the few small comforts was the way Dr Jeon treated him during their sessions. The man was impressed, if not a little concerned, by the suddenness with which he began to speak openly about his family. His mother and her strength, his father and his toxicity, his brother and Jaebum’s childhood spent trying to step into the shoes of a person decades his senior. He even discussed his schooling and his frustration drifting from class to class without finding something he really cared for. They spoke about everything all and in between… Apart from one topic.

“We haven’t ever spoken about your time in here, Jaebum,” The man stated during their final session, head tilted and glasses slipping down on his nose. Jaebum slid his own pair up his nose self-consciously. “Your experiences in here have just as much importance to you as everything that got you here.”

Jaebum felt his jaw shift and he resisted the urge to bite his tongue between his teeth, “There’s nothing to say.” 

Dr Jeon clearly wanted to push it, eyes tightening on him and Jaebum had the distinct impression of being a particularly hard nut the man wanted so badly to crack. But the secrets and stories he had created, the memories he had crafted, were not only his. The past two and a half months were something he wasn’t eager to discuss beyond the people he had experienced them alongside, and he granted Dr Jeon a meek smile. 

“I’m sorry sir,” Dr Jeon tilted his head. “I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it just yet.” 

His psychologist nodded, lips pursed but he snapped closed his notepad without any further protest. “Well I have to say congratulations for making it this far.” He reached for his desk, sliding open a drawer and pulling free a card to hand to Jaebum. “But if you do ever want someone to talk to don’t hesitate to contact me. I’m always happy to help you myself or assist you in finding someone else to talk to.”

Jaebum swallowed, throat painfully tight, and brushed his thumb over the edge of the hard card.

“I am very happy that you’ve trusted me enough to get you this far,” Dr Jeon stated. “And I know you’re completely equipped to only continue to grow and succeed from this point.”

The words were corny, and unlikely if Jaebum was honest, but he smiled at them regardless.

“Thank you.”

* * *

Packing took less time than he anticipated, clothes and toiletries shoved haphazardly into his duffle in no time, until he turned away from his closet and back to his bed.

The once empty shelf above it was almost overflowing, piled with a collection he had accidentally acquired over his time there.

He packed the comic books and cat keychain Youngjae had gifted him easily enough, a fond smile on his face at the memories they held and the realization he would have to force Youngjae to make him a list of all the comics he had missed in his time away. The framed photo of his family from Jinyoung he considered for a moment longer, taking in the soft innocence to their faces for a moment before he wrapped it carefully in a soft hoodie for protection and stowed it amongst his other things. He returned the library books Mark had assigned him to their place on the shelf, tales of adventure and mystery trailing through his mind as he returned them to the library. He tried to keep his eyes from lingering on the unsettling sight of the empty couch tucked against the back wall.

Then came the rest of it.

The hand made doll of him from Jackson. The participation certificate from the talent show where he’d sung the song for Jackson. The photograph of the pair of them at the aquarium.

He tucked the certificate in underneath the picture of his family, rolling his own eyes at his sentimentality over something he hadn’t even won. But it was carefully packed away regardless.

The doll he paused with. The stitching was almost perfect and he wondered just how much time Jackson had put into it. His own had been less carefully made and he hoped it had at least kept together at the seams. He wondered if there were still little flecks of glitter scattered through its woollen sweater. That was if Jackson had even kept the doll. He tucked his own into his bag at the thought, turning back to the final item with a sobered mood.

They were smiling so bright in the image he wondered how the grumpy photographer resisted the urge to punch them. Somehow underneath the unfortunate flash lighting and with completely unstyled hair, Jackson still managed to look handsome. Jaebum hoped at the very least Jackson had kept that photo. At least as a memory of things before everything went to shit. 

It went into the bag with the rest after a long moment, Jaebum zipping it tight and closed before he could waste any more time lingering over the memories they held. He probably should have left them behind, a symbolic ending to his time there and everything that had happened, but something in him made the act of physically placing them in the trash can impossible much to consider.

He had extra time and he took it to sit on what was once his bed and consider the room. Another patient would fill it soon enough, another person with their own personalized list of issues to conquer and Jaebum hoped for them their time would pass less dramatically than his own.

He didn’t have the energy for much more than sitting there, breathing slow and the sound of his heart thudding along loud in his ears. 

It was almost a relief when the nurse arrived to collect him and he slung the bag over one shoulder, triple checked the room for anything he’d forgotten and followed him out the door and down the hall. 

There wasn’t the crowd that had gathered for Bambam, no big celebration of a victorious discharge and a grand return to a bright life with a future full of hope, but Jaebum thought it fitting. This wasn’t a success story, despite Dr Jeon’s words. He hadn’t earned celebration.

But of the few gathered they granted him quite the surprise. Instead of seeing his mother, her matching glasses and hopeful smile, it was Jinyoung. And standing beside his best friend, eyes downcast but lips moving slowly was Mark. 

“Oh,” He couldn’t help but come to a stop at the surprise, flushing when their attention flicked straight to him.

Jinyoung moved to embrace him immediately, pulling him in for a tight hug and Jaebum swallowed down the realization of just how much he had missed him. “You’re mother couldn’t get out of work but I promised her I’d get you home safe.” 

Jaebum patted his back, awkward and a little stilted but Jinyoung was used to it by then. He savoured the moment while it lasted, sighing once before they pulled apart. “And Yugyeom-ah?”

“Cleaning the apartment with Bambam,” Jinyoung stated, voice so tired and full of the familiar long-tested air of an older that Jaebum couldn’t help but chuckle. “They’re apparently making us dinner as well… So we might need to pick up something else to eat on the way home.”

Jaebum shook his head fondly, “Well I’m happy they’re managing alright.”

Jinyoung’s frown deepened. “I honestly don’t know how you could let them meet each other, hyung. I think it’s become their combined life’s mission to piss me off as much as possible." 

Jaebum tried not to feel too bad laughing at his friend’s frustration but the quiet sound of a snort drew his attention.

Mark was smiling, barely, and Jaebum turned to him.

“So you’re out of here then?” Mark said, voice sounding off but Jaebum assented. “I’m happy for you.”

Jaebum reached for his shoulder, trying not to show concern at how frail and small it felt under his hand. “You’ll be out of here soon, right?” Mark avoided his eyes but Jaebum forced him to meet them “Hyung I’m… I’m so sorry for everything.”

His words were earnest and rough with emotion but they still felt inadequate, but the tight hug Mark enveloped him in did something to reassure him. “We’ll miss you.” 

“We?” Jaebum asked stupidly, pulling back to watch the way his friend’s flicked to the hall behind him.

He almost didn’t want to turn around, terrified and excited and panicked, but he spun around anyway.

Jackson stood not far down from them, leant against the wall with a smile on his face that didn’t quite meet his eyes. He raised a hand in a small wave and air rushed from Jaebum’s mouth so quickly he was breathless.

“Oh.”

He couldn’t form actual words, mouth moving uselessly as he took in the sight of him. He had too much to say but nothing all at once. He looked okay, better than what Jaebum’s imagination had concocted, but the plaster on his wrist made Jaebum’s heart throb painfully.

His posture was slouched, dark bags under each eye and everything about him heavy with defeat and exhaustion and Jaebum blamed himself for all of it.

He wanted to ask questions, to hear the sound of Jackson’s voice and know if he was okay. But it wasn’t right. He couldn’t ask what he once could without hesitation. Jackson wasn’t his. They weren’t even friends anymore. He had given up that right, and his place in Jackson’s life, and even though he knew it was for the benefit of both of them in the long run it made his chest ache with loss. Because he still loved him. And it would be a long time, if ever, before that would change.

“Jackson-ah,” It was weak, broken and defeated but Jackson’s smile flickered just enough to meet his eyes and Jaebum felt his face crumple. Jackson moved towards him regardless.

“Congratulations,” He murmured, voice shaky but true and Jaebum felt the sting of tears in his eyes.

He didn’t know what to do but stand there, unable to take a step closer but equally unable to move away. He was leaving. Jackson had to hate him. Jaebum hated himself a little bit too.

But this was the end and he couldn’t help but return the hug Jackson surprised him with.

It lasted a long moment, barely enough to sate Jaebum, but he couldn’t stay there forever. Despite how much he wished he could. When Jackson let go he took something with him and Jaebum realised he’d have to get accustomed to the hollowness that settled into his chest.

He turned to Jinyoung. “Okay.” He cleared his throat. “Ready.”

Jinyoung seemed unsure, eyes trailing after Jackson’s retreating figure but his eyes slipped closed and took a deep breath. “Sure.”

They said their final goodbyes, Jaebum’s eyes lingering a little enviously at Mark and Jinyoung’s hug as he thanked the few nursing staff who were kind enough to bid him a quick farewell. 

He made it out of the door, to the car and into his seat before he had to wipe away the tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

“How’s Mark?” He asked weakly as Jinyoung slid into the driver’s seat, clawing for anything to distract him. “Are you two going to start talking again?”

Jinyoung stated silent for a moment. “I don’t know.” He turned the keys and the engine revved to life. “But I’ll keep trying. I have to.”

“What does that mean?” Jaebum responded, clipping on his seatbelt with his mind running almost on autopilot.

“I care about him, hyung,” Jinyoung stated, as if everything were that simple. “And when you care that much about someone and they’re struggling you can’t give up on them.”

“What if you know you’ll only make things worse?”

Jinyoung seemed to know they were no longer talking about he and Mark.

“You and I both know that’s not true.”

Jaebum considered the words but didn’t respond to them, moving to turn on the radio but his hand hesitated over the dial. 

“I have missed you Jinyoung-ah.”

“I’ve missed you too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i cried a little writing this :D sorry you guys!! 
> 
> BUT if you've finished this you'll not understand why i added two more chapters than originally planned so this wouldn't be rushed!! 
> 
> thank you so much for your support and love!! come chat to me on tumblr if you want aaaand have a lovely day/night/whatever it is when you're reading this :)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've written and rewritten this mammoth of a chapter a hundred times over so i really hope you like it!!!

**Chapter 21.**

He left the interview with a grimace on his face, but the quiet warmth of pride in his chest. He spotted Youngjae almost immediately, waiting on the footpath for him with a coffee and a tea in either hand, and he breathed out a heavy sigh of relief.

“So…”

Damn. He should’ve realised the free coffee would never be entirely free of some payment. Youngjae was practically bouncing in place, an wide smile on his face and Jaebum didn’t even bother trying to pretend he wasn’t a welcome sight.

“So what, Youngjae-yah?” Jaebum answered, accepting the coffee with a thank you. “How was class?”

“Fine,” Youngjae responded, shrugging off the question easily in favor of making his own inquiries. “How did your interview go?”

Jaebum took a sip of his coffee rather than answer, a content exhale leaving his lips at the bitter taste and caffeine making its way into his system. If there was one thing he absolutely did not miss about the hospital it was the complete absence of coffee. Sure caffeine was technically a drug with addictive tendencies but nothing could match the liquid warmth it brought him. He had missed it a lot. He deliberately elected not to think about the constant nagging list of other things, or more specifically people, he did miss from the hospital. Or he at least tried to. Albeit unsuccessfully.

“Do you think it went well?”

Jaebum winced, ever the pessimist, “Probably not.”

Youngjae’s eyes narrowed and his expression soured for a split second before he returned to normal, shrugging off Jaebum’s doubt with a bright smile. “Well even if you don’t get this job- I was chatting to one of my professor’s after class and it turns out he has a cousin who’s married to a woman who works in a violin store just outside of-“

Jaebum listened on without interrupting, unable to find the energy to argue with the boundless energy and enthusiasm Youngjae was putting into his job search. He was a little weary, having already attended three job interviews that week, and while the last was likely the best so far he wasn’t eager to jinx it with over confidence. He was satisfied being quietly comfortable with it. That seemed the safest option.

The shop was tucked away and small, out of sight of the busy road nearby, but it managed to maintain a steady influx of students, young and old, interested in music. The walls were stacked with shelves of sheet music, introduction guides for instruments and copies of already dog-eared books on musical theory. But despite all the knowledge and new music at his fingertips Jaebum found himself drawn to the pianos. The focus of the store was a vast grand piano, restored and beautifully polished and worth more than Jaebum’s mom’s car. It was the centerpiece, the owner’s most prized item, and Jaebum was pretty sure they just kept it there to look nice rather than to actually sell it.

And then only a few feet away, almost identical to those he had grown up on, was a variety of affordable keyboards with plastic keys and synthesizer settings.

Much of their stock was preloved and repurposed and he couldn’t help but appreciate the symbolism behind potentially working in a place where they took unwanted things and gave them another chance. He could see himself fitting in there.

If he got the job.

He schooled his expression back into an impassive one, not wanting to be silly and get carried away thinking about it. He didn’t exactly have reason to be confident of his chances with a past like his.

Youngjae was still running through options, more and more connections he was finding for him, when he zoned back in and nudged him in the side to catch his attention.

“Do you want to come over?” Jaebum asked as they approached the bus stop, going for unaffected and missing the mark completely. It wasn’t that he was _desperate_ for Youngjae to spend more time with him, instead of returning home to study or feed his dog. But he was man enough to admit that his friend’s company was one of the few things that would ensure he wouldn’t spend the rest of his afternoon lying on the couch in the same position until his mother returned home and yelled at him for being lazy. Or worse, Yugyeom caught him watching an overly dramatic drama and glaring jealously at the main leads who managed to find love despite being complete idiots and spent the rest of the night doing his best to subtly monitor his mental state.

He wasn’t sure how much longer he could handle the way his brother moved around him like he was fragile, shooting him concerned looks over dinner but wordless if Jaebum ever asked him what was wrong. He didn’t like being pitied, and something about the way Yugyeom hesitated every time he left the apartment and Jaebum was seated on the couch alone, or every time he stumbled across Jaebum skulking around the kitchen at 3am, felt a lot like pity.

It had been a month of filling out job applications for positions he never felt qualified for, handing in his resume to anyone who would take it and trying to ignore the incessant nagging in the back of his mind that he wasn’t as okay as he told everyone he was. The business card from Dr Jeon sat untouched in his bag, still not properly unpacked and Jaebum couldn’t bring himself to even touch it. There were other things in that bag he was avoiding just as much, and the idea of confronting them made him feel a little unsteady.

He was working hard to settle back into life as it was before the hospital, how things were before everything had changed, and he knew he should find more comfort in that life than he did.

But his mother still worked too long hours. His brother was still a too-tall little shit who never wanted to listen to him. And Nora was protesting his long absence by refusing to eat dinner entirely… But everything was honestly going to be fine.

He was better. He had become more responsible, calm and composed.

Happiness was bound to follow soon, right? Right?

“Sure!” Youngjae pulled him suddenly from his gloomy sidetrack with an eager nod. He was burrowing through his laptop bag, digging past sheet music and far too many pages of illegible notes to pull out a bag of candy. Jaebum pouted until he was offered some. “After all I still have the new Captain America movie to update you on!”

Jaebum nodded with a weak smile, fiddling with the gummy bear between his fingers until he spotted the approaching bus, popped the candy in his mouth and hurried to hail the driver. “Sounds good!”

They found a seat towards the back and part of Jaebum loved the excuse of public transport to put in his headphones and ignore the rest of the world beyond the city moving by the window. It was moving well and truly into Spring, the sun was shining brighter and he could finally leave his apartment without twenty layers on. He knew he should have been thrilled by it. But the cold days held fond memories and Jaebum couldn’t help feel a little out of place when they moved quickly into the distance.

The apartment was as empty as expected when they made it home. Yugyeom was at practice until late and his mother would be working even later, so he greeted the small empty space with a sigh. Youngjae toed his shoes off and lined them up neatly before puttering off into the kitchen in search of snacks and water and Jaebum kicked off his own pair, falling face first into the couch with a tired grunt.

He was pretty sure the last person to buy any groceries was him and it had been over a week previous so he wasn’t sure just how successful his friend’s quest would be but he stayed silent. It kept Youngjae busy and gave him a moment to deflate after a long day.

His speedy moping session was interrupted by the obnoxious, sharp buzz of his phone in his pocket, but he ignored it. It would just be another notification of yet another email informing him something along the lines of ‘unfortunately you were not accepted for the position but the company is eager to keep your information on file incase a future opportunity opens up!’ Jaebum reminded himself he really should turn off his email notifications.

He rolled onto his back to stare at the ceiling rather than the dark fabric of the couch, eyes opening slowly and tracing the faint shadows across the aging paint.

“-hyung?” He blinked once, twice, before he realised Youngjae’s voice was directed at him and he sat up with a start.

“Huh?”

Youngjae groaned. “Are you aware the only food you have in your cupboards is about half a cup of rice and a single protein bar?” Jaebum shrugged. “Well I guess we’re ordering in for dinner.”

Jaebum shrugged again.

“Useless.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing hyung!”

Youngjae hurried back to the kitchen nook and returned eventually with a glass of water for each of them and said protein bar gripped between his teeth.

“I’ll split it with you?” He offered as he settled in and Jaebum firmly shook his head no thank you. “Suit yourself.”

Youngjae set up his laptop as he tore blindly at the wrapping, scrolling through his folder of not exactly legally downloaded movies and humming under his breath until he came across the one he was after.

“Hyung, do you remember the last one?” He asked, finally focusing enough to get the wrapper open and taking a large bite from the bar.

His disgusted gag almost drowned out the aggressive buzzing of his phone and Jaebum felt unfamiliar laughter bubble up in his chest. Youngjae’s tongue was hanging out, the younger boys eyes wide in alarm that supposed food could betray him and Jaebum sighed and settled back into the couch. His phone was still buzzing and he groaned when it became clear it wasn’t just notifying him of another rejection.

He pulled it from his pocket. The caller’s name read _Park Jinyoung_. Jaebum rolled his eyes.

He should’ve expected it considering Jinyoung was he only person under 35 whom he knew who actually made phone calls. He wasn’t sure if it was a product of only being able to communicate via phone call for months, or Jinyoung developing a new found love for talking after calling Mark on an almost daily basis, but Jaebum was not a big fan. What was wrong with texting? So what if he only then realised with a wince he already had three unread text messages from Jinyoung that he probably wouldn’t have remembered to reply to, at least texting meant he didn’t have to worry about faking happiness in his voice.

“Hello?”

“This is disgusting!” Youngjae wailed and Jaebum shoved at him to shut him up. “I don’t know how Yugyeomie eats this garbage- it tastes like milk powder and cardboard!”

“Hello!” Jinyoung greeted, either not hearing or electing to ignore Youngjae’s cries of despair and hurt at his snack. Jaebum tensed at the undercurrent of anxiety to his voice as he continued. “Are you home?”

“Yes?” Youngjae sensed his confusion and sent him a curious glance, huffing when Jaebum responded with a clueless shrug. “Youngjae and I were about to watch a movie.” It almost came out as a question but Jinyoung seemed satisfied.

“Perfect! I’ll see you soon-“ And with that the call ended, giving Jaebum no chance to chance to ask what was wrong or attempt to decipher his friend’s mood.

Youngjae raised an eyebrow and Jaebum shrugged again.

“I think Jinyoung’s coming over?” There was the statement turned question again. Jaebum needed to work on that.

“Oh okay,” Youngjae put the movie in full screen, playing the intro for a moment before pausing it with his eyebrows furrowed. “Tell him to bring us food.”

They were half an hour into Captain America 3, with Youngjae already a little too absorbed in the action, when they were interrupted by the jarring sound of the buzzer. Youngjae paused the movie with a sigh and Jaebum moved to let Jinyoung into the building, waiting impatiently by the door until Jinyoung knocked to let him in.

His hair was fluffed up like a baby chicken, nose pink from the cool spring air, eyes bright with excitement and hands noticeably not full of the ramen Youngjae had requested, but he said the words that made Jaebum lose his breath.

“Mark-hyung is checking out of the hospital!”

* * *

Jaebum was too good of a friend. Far too good. He was too kind and too easily persuaded and too damn generous. It was honestly remarkable how selfless he was when it came to his friends.

“Oh shut up,” Jinyoung interrupted, turning up the radio with an overly dramatic eye roll. “I picked you up when you checked out. This is the least you can do to pay me back.”

Jaebum cursed at him and turned the music back down. “You picked me up because nobody else could and I would’ve been left stranded at the hospital without you! You’re my best friend that’s my job, you dick. My job, however, if not to drive you to pick up your boyfriend from hospital when _you_ are fully capable of getting him yourself just so you two can ‘cuddle in the backseat’,” He couldn’t be absolutely certain whether his exaggerated gag following was entirely fake or not. He swore he felt a little bit of bile rise in his throat.

“Hey!” Jinyoung slapped at his arm and Jaebum winced. Jinyoung was wiry but damnit if he didn’t have a decent swing on him when he was annoyed. “First of all I never said those words and second of all- don’t be so judgmental, we’ve missed each other!”

Jaebum sighed, taking a left turn down an all too familiar road with a grimace settling on his face. “Fine fine fine- but no more hitting me while I’m driving.” He spotted the building, the heavy brick of the fence and the towering gleam of its metal gate. He noticed the new addition of another two security cameras with a dry laugh. “Honestly Jinyoung-ah… I’m happy for you two. I really am.”

Jinyoung smiled at him sweetly.

“But that doesn’t give you the permission to make out in my rear vision mirror for the entire drive home. I’m not above leaving you on the side of the road to walk.”

Jinyoung’s smile turned sour.

Heading back through the gate’s as a guest was an odd experience for Jaebum. It was like revisiting his old school or the neighbor hood he grew up in. The place was so familiar, full of memories so personal to him as a person, but he couldn’t escape the overwhelming reminder it was no longer his.

It was someone else’s now and no matter how many important stories it held from his past, he no longer belonged there.

He was a little unsure how it made him feel.

One thing that did bring him some comfort was it still held the same nursing staff from his stay, and he flushed upon entering when he was immediately greeted by the woman at the front desk.

“Jaebum-ah!” She called out to him with an enthusiastic smile and Jaebum smirked at Jinyoung’s disbelieving snort.

“Oh of course- even after everything everyone here still loves you. I should’ve expected it.”

Jaebum’s smile weakened at the words, unable to ignore the blatant falseness to them, and was about to turn to Jinyoung and tell him off for being a brat when not one but two people were escorted down the hall towards them.

Jinyoung ran to his boyfriend with an excited gasp.

Mark dropped his bag and stretched up for a kiss.

Jaebum was almost positive his heart had stopped beating in his chest.

Jackson.

Jackson was holding a bag. A bag that, if the Hong Kong flag emblazoned across it indicated anything, did not belong to Mark. It was Jackson’s. Jackson was checking out of the hospital too.

“Oh my god.”

Jaebum wasn’t sure which one of them had blurted out the words, both staring at the other with mouths wide open in shock. He couldn’t even bring himself to tear his eyes away from Jackson’s when Jinyoung addressed them.

“We’re going to give you two a moment. We’ll be in the car.”

He should’ve shouted at Jinyoung then and there. He should have told him off for not giving him any warning and for purposefully misleading him to make him come back. He should have yelled at him for putting them in that position, for forcing Jaebum to confront the boy he’d had to say goodbye to and reopening the still smarting wound he’d cut into his own chest.

Jackson wasn’t supposed to be there. He was here to pick up Mark and let Jinyoung have his cuddle time and that was it. Jinyoung had never mentioned anything about Jackson, he had assured Jaebum he would only be needed for his driving abilities and nothing more. He felt like he was going to be sick all across the linoleum floor. At least it’d be easy to clean up, he considered stupidly, unable to keep his brain focused on anything logical.

Only from his peripherals could he see Jinyoung gather up Mark and Jackson’s bags, hefting one on either shoulder before he steered Mark towards the door.

The silence was smothering. Jaebum wondered how his skull hadn’t cracked open with the pressure he felt behind his eyes. Jackson didn’t seem to be doing much better.

But the more he stared, unable to find any words, the more he noticed the shock slip away only to be replaced by something else. Jackson’s eyebrows were drawn together, jaw clenched and eyes guarded and Jaebum felt the sinking feeling in his stomach that reminded him he deserved every bit of his anger.

“Jinyoung didn’t mention you would be coming,” Jackson stated and Jaebum felt as if he was on the receiving end of an accusation. As if he had been the one to plan this. To appear on what he knew would be an incredibly exciting if not terrifying day for Jackson and ruin his land mark day with his unwelcome presence and the memories associated with him. As if he was that insensitive and deliberately strived to hurt Jackson.

He shouldn’t have expected the other’s opinion of him to be any better than that, but that didn’t mean the implication didn’t sting.

It had been for both of their benefit, he reminded himself. Jackson didn’t need him in his life and he would only hurt him like he had everyone else he got too close to. It was better like this.

“He didn’t tell me you were checking out,” Jaebum echoed stupidly, unthinking, and watched with horror as a flicker of hurt broke through Jackson’s protected façade. “Wait- no-“

“Of course,” Jackson gave one brisk nod and brought his arms up to fold against his chest, creating yet another barrier between the two of them. “Why would you want to come if you knew you’d have to see me.”

It was bitter and empty and everything about it was so unlike his usual self. Jaebum resigned himself to the fact he was definitely going to be sick. But the emotions were bubbling up in his chest, words fighting behind his lips and he had to do _something_.

“Jackson please-“ But Jackson seemed uninterested in granting him more time, eyes damp but strong in their unbroken glare. He had to explain himself, he had to apologise or at least try to for being there. Things between them were beyond the point of broken but deep in his chest Jaebum couldn’t leave Jackson thinking he was so indifferent to his feelings.

Jackson was kind and good and deserved better.

But the words so eager to be released weren’t coming and he cursed at Jinyoung for not giving him any forewarning, any time to prepare, but he also realised with a great deal of shame any warning and he would’ve found a way to avoid this moment. Anything to avoid the betrayal and anger in Jackson’s eyes. “Do you want to get some air?”

Jackson looked uncomfortable at the question, the way his eyes flicked to the exit towards the car behind Jaebum with longing giving a clear indication what he wanted to answer… But he turned and headed down the hall in the direction of the garden anyway. Jaebum hesitated for a moment too long, unsure if he was invited to follow, until Jackson stilled and let out an exasperated cough.

He fumbled after him, rubber soled shoes catching on the floor with an unfortunate squeak, but he hurried on anyway. He didn’t know what the fuck he was doing- what his plan or ideal outcome was- but he followed anyway.

He hadn’t spoken to Jackson in over a month.

He had to at least say a few of the thousands of words left unsaid between them.

And even if everything went terribly and he made it even worse with his attempt at least it would mean Youngjae might stop with the not subtle drop hints to him about the importance of getting closure and expressing your feelings… That kid needed to stay away from dramas and stick to the superheroes.

The garden had been replanted, flowers blooming in the Spring sun and Jaebum wondered how much of it was from Mark’s hard work. He knew there was a reason Jinyoung had visited so much recently, his best friend was weak to Mark in his gardening clothes.

“It looks really good out here,” He commented, desperate to break the overbearing quiet and he wondered just when he’d become so uncomfortable with silence. It was once his most preferred state, peaceful and calm and he never had to think of anything witty to respond with because silence meant nobody asked anything from him. But it wasn’t that kind of silence, he realised. It was the type of silence that dug into your stomach, that made your throat dry and brain scattered in desperation seeking words, any words, to fill it. It was the type of silence that only happened with Jackson if it meant something was wrong. Seriously wrong.

Jackson hummed noncommittally after a painfully long moment, kicking at a stray rock and Jaebum could’ve screamed in frustration at the pair of them.

He didn’t know why he’d strung this out when Jackson was so clearly unhappy to see him. And he had every right to be. Jaebum had been selfish and reckless and toxic. He should’ve just gotten in the car, turned up the radio until it threatened his long-term hearing and spent the drive back trying to ignore everything but the road ahead of him. That would’ve been less uncomfortable than this.

“How’s Yugyeom?” Jackson asked suddenly and Jaebum’s lips quirked up into a small smile.

“Good!” He shoved his hands into his pockets, trying to appear slightly more put together. “He’s still a brat and he know far too many English swear words because of you and Bambam but… He’s good.”

Jackson’s giggle was still the same, uneven and loud and imperfect and it still made Jaebum’s heart leap in his chest.

“And your mom?”

Jaebum sighed, “Busy. Tired. Probably wishing she’d had two daughters instead of two sons.”

“Probably,” Jackson teased and Jaebum’s chest ached with how easy it felt.

Everything was so fucked up, so messy and confusing and terrifying, but Jackson was smiling at him without betrayal in his eyes and Jaebum just for a moment managed to block out every voice in his head reminding him exactly why he shouldn’t move towards Jackson and lean down to place a soft kiss on his lips.

The moment lasted as long as it took Jackson to notice his approach and cry out, pushing him away before he could even get close enough with a blunt shove to his sternum.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Jackson hissed out, the angriest Jaebum had ever seen him and there was the betrayal in his eyes. He fumbled for an apology, trying to find the words to explain himself but Jackson didn’t pay him any mind as he spat angry words at him. “What do you think you’re doing? What do you think this is? You want to talk but don’t say a damn thing and when I ask you a few polite questions you what? Try to kiss me?” Jaebum mouthed wordlessly, his stomach sinking further and further with every word. “Do you think I’m that stupid? You think I’m going to let myself be lead on and hurt like that after all this time? Do you think I have no self respect?”

Jaebum blinked stupidly, trying to sort through Jackson’s many questions as shame flooded his stomach. “I didn’t-“

“You didn’t what?” Jackson echoed, shaking his head as he pursed his lips and tried to steady his unsteady breath. “You didn’t think? That seems to be a trend with you now doesn’t it. You can’t ever bear stopping to think about how your actions might affect others.” Jaebum’s eyes stung at the statement. Every part of it was true, he was selfish and brash and stupid. But that didn’t make hearing Jackson say the words hurt any less.

“You have no clue what you want and I am not here to help you work it out. I’m done with being your doormat and your shoulder to cry on when it’s convenient. I’m getting better and I’m leaving so I can finally make some real progress forward in my life. So you…” His voice broke and he paused to swallow down the emotion in his throat. “You are not taking me back to the dark place I was in when you left.”

Jackson was better off without him. He knew that. Wasn’t that why he’d left? Why did it hurt so much to hear Jackson tell him what he already knew. Jaebum felt like an idiot. A complete an utter moron and he hung his head in shame.

“I’m so sorry, Jackson.”

It was all true. Everything Jackson had said was true. He was toxic and selfish and Jackson didn’t deserve to be wrapped up in his own innevitable self-destruction. Jackson deserved someone who loved him and treated him how he deserved, not someone who would only bring him more pain. Jackson deserved so much better than him and Jaebum hated himself for forgetting it for that brief moment.

“Aish!” He looked up to see Jackson rolling his eyes. “Stop it with that kicked puppy face. You’re the one who hurt me, so stop it!”

Jaebum nodded, not even trying to argue against the truth.

“You’re such a dick, you know that?” Jackson kicked at his rock again and Jaebum followed after it with his eyes. “You come back here a month later and actually make me feel sorry for you. You! Who leads me on for months and convinces me that you actually care about me only to use me to escape-“

Jaebum’s eyes widened, horrified at Jackson’s words but the boy carried on regardless.

“And even, in addition too all of that, without the escape and the energy I put into trying to make you happy- you let me kiss you only to cut me out of your life without a second thought. You promised me you’d never hurt me again but…” Jackson paused in his abuse of the rock, voice tight as he considered the new scuff marks on the toe of his shoe. “You didn’t even visit me. If I hadn’t come to see you when you left would you even have said goodbye?”

The silence hung over them as Jaebum considered the question, wishing he could just lie and cover his mistakes but he couldn’t. He couldn’t even try to find the words.

“Were you even ever planning on seeing me again?” Jackson’s voice was almost pleading and Jaebum couldn’t stop himself.

“No,” His admission was rough, low and almost choked, and he hated himself for the way it made Jackson’s breath hitch. Jackson took a moment, hooded eyes on the grass, before he nodded once.

“Well then,” Jackson brushed non-existent dust off his shirt. “I guess that’s that.”

“Wait-“

“Let’s head to the car and we can spend the drive pretending the other doesn’t exist until we part ways once more,” Jaebum’s eyes prickled at the thought, anxiety clawing sharp in his stomach at the very thought. “Only this time you’ll get your wish and it’ll be goodbye for good.”

Jackson began to hurry towards the door and Jaebum choked on his tongue. “Jackson-“ He followed after him. “Jackson please stop!”

He couldn’t let him go. Not again. Not like this.

Jackson stopped, clearly against his better judgment and turned to face him with tired eyes, “What.”

“I didn’t mean to…” Jaebum groaned. “Everything you said- everything I did- I did it. But not for the reasons you think.”

“I don’t want to hear what you, or Mark, or my therapist, have to say. I trusted you more than I’ve trusted anyone in years-“

“I know- I know and I’m sorry-“

“And you reminded me exactly why I keep people out,” Jackson’s eyes closed and Jaebum noticed the moisture gathered on his eyelashes with a stab to his chest. “You were one of my best friends.”

“And you were mine,” He admitted, hating the way he couldn’t keep his voice even. He searched for the words, where to begin, and his eyes fell on the bench not far off from them. “Just sit with for a second. Let me talk and if you never want to see me or talk to me again after this I promise you won’t have to.”

Jackson moved without protest, too drained to think of an excuse and while it pained Jaebum to see his fatigue, it was a relief when they were both seated. Albeit with an unfamiliar wide gap between them.

He remembered with a slight huff it was the same bench they had watched Jinyoung and Mark on all those months ago. The pair of them hidden not far off, behind the table and bickering about whether or not they were even friends yet. He remembered how much he had pushed Jackson away in the beginning, how terrified he was to let another person in. And here they were, almost as awkward and uncomfortable now at ever. Despite everything they’d been through together.

He wondered if anybody could have ever predicted the way their journey had unfolded.

“Jackson you know I’m an idiot,” Jaebum admitted, ignoring Jackson’s dry scoff. “I’m grumpy and push people away and struggle to let anyone in... But that doesn’t excuse the way I treated you without any explanation.”

His eyes caught on Jackson’s wrist, hands interlocked on his lap, and Jaebum couldn’t help recall the ugly cast that had encased it. It was bare now, slightly paler than the rest of his skin, and a clear reminder of Jaebum’s biggest mistake.

“I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted nothing more than to see you. I woke up the morning after that night and I needed to see you, to make sure you were okay- but how could I? How could I when it was all my fault?”

“What?” Jackson’s voice was soft and stripped bare and it made Jaebum’s throat ache. “How on earth was what happened to me your fault?”

He raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “How was it not? You were out of the hospital because of me. You were drinking because you wanted me to have fun. You were on that street, in danger, because I couldn’t possibly wait another second to drag you out of the club and… and-“

“And what?”

Jackson’s eyes were wide and innocent and Jaebum closed his eyes, too scared to see the response to his next words.

“And tell you that I’m completely in love with you.”

But with his eyes closed he could still hear the way Jackson’s breath caught and his stomach sunk at his hollow and dull, “Oh.”

“Yeah,” The silence hung over both of them for a moment, two, before Jaebum could even open his eyes or bear to continue on with the apology Jackson deserved. Regardless of whether it shattered his own heart in the process. “I let my feelings blind me from how much danger I was putting you in and I couldn’t bear it when you were hurt and scared because of me. And I couldn’t imagine that you’d want anything to do with me either.”

“Jaebum-hyung,” Jaebum’s eyes flicked up to his but Jackson looked away immediately, almost self-conscious under his stare. “I didn’t escape with you because I was manic. I did it because I wanted to. It’s not your place to feel guilty about that.”

Jaebum nodded slightly, bruised heart still aching but the quiet hope that maybe he hadn’t lost Jackson forever. Jackson might not hate him and they could be friends again. He could handle being Jackson’s friend. That was what he had resigned himself to for so long anyway. It wouldn’t be so horrible.

“When you left… That was the part that hurt me the most.”

“I didn’t want to,” Jaebum said softly. “I’m reckless. I thought the more distance I kept the better it would be for you. I hurt you, I hurt my family and I hurt my friends. I thought I was doing what was better for you.”

“You aren’t responsible for protecting everyone,” Jackon snapped out, tone so like the one Jaebum had heard him use a hundred times before with Bambam or Mark when he was being rude, and he couldn’t help but smile. “ I thought we already talked about this.”

“We did.”

“So why don’t you listen me when I tell you to stop blaming yourself for everyone’s problems!” Jackson cried, exasperated and strained but Jaebum could see the teasing in his eyes. It was so like the Jackson he knew, his Jackson, it made his heartbeat stutter.

“I guess I still need to work on that.”

Jackson nodded firmly, lips pursed as he considered his next words and Jaebum was in no rush to interrupt him. “You know even though I’ve spent more time in here than most people have spent in their own schools I am an adult. I’m fully capable of making my own decisions and you should really give me a chance to.”

Jaebum nodded.

“And I’ve made my decision.”

Jaebum tilted his head but remained silent.

“So…” Jackson prompted.

“So?”

“Now it’s just up for you to make yours.”

“About?”

“Us.”

Jackson’s eyes were full of mischief, a small smile on his lips but Jaebum could sense the anxiety hiding behind his façade. His heart tugged in his chest and he braced himself with a bright smile.

“Friends?”

Jackson cried out and Jaebum almost jumped in surprise, “That’s it? Really? You break my heart because you want to keep me safe, you go months without talking to me, you come here and let me yell at you and make me cry, you tell me you’re in love with me and that’s all you want from me? To be my friend?”

“Oh,” Now it was Jaebum’s turn to be speechless, eyes wide as he stared at Jackson with a question clear in his eyes, searching for an answer. And Jackson’s eyes, wide and honest and beautiful, held it.

It was as if everything shifted around them. Jaebum couldn’t hold himself back, didn’t want to, and even though every part of him was screaming in anxiety the pleasant pressure in his chest kept him from running away again.

He could feel the unsteadiness of Jackson’s breath against his lips, hovering centimeters, millimeters, from his. He could take in the sight of Jackson’s eyelids slipping closed, feel the way his body tensed and relaxed when Jaebum rested a steadying hand to the nape of his neck and count every eyelash and trace every ridge and slope of Jackson’s face. He didn’t know how he could ever have missed it, at the start, the fact that Jackson was by far the most beautiful person he’d ever known.

Their second kiss was slow, more careful and a hundred times more nervous than their first. But all the more sweet for it.

There was no alcohol dulling their senses, no overload of noise and outside stimuli to distract from the slight gasp Jackson released when he tilted their heads slightly. Nothing to keep him from noticing way Jackson shivered and giggled when he earned a similar response from Jaebum, fingers weaving their way up to his hair to pull him close. There was absolutely nothing to keep him from tasting Jackson’s curious sound when their tongues brushed, tentative and patient, but perfect.

Jackson was intoxicating as always, but not in the dangerous way Jaebum had experienced before. There wasn’t the terrifying exhilaration that left him shaky and panicked, but rather the decadent intoxication of slipping into a warm bath. It was comfortable and sincere and as close to perfect as anyone could hope and Jaebum hated himself for wasting so much time in getting to that moment.

They pulled apart eventually, short of breath, and Jaebum made a conscious effort to commit the image of a lightly flustered, well-kissed Jackson to memory forever. Flushed lips and cheeks, mischievous eyes and a tongue caught between teeth in a wide grin, wasn’t something he ever wanted to forget.

And if the way Jackson’s eyes were roving over him, slow and careful, it was apparent the younger felt a similar way.

“You’re a complete idiot,” Jackson sighed and Jaebum couldn’t help but agree. “You’re lucky I’m in love with you anyway.”

If anyone asked later Jaebum did not lose his breath like he was in a drama. He definitely did not duck back into Jackson’s space, taking quick pecks and satisfying himself with pressing kisses to whatever part of Jackson’s face he could reach when Jackson’s laughter made actual kisses impossible. He definitely didn’t pull Jackson into his lap and hug him tight to his chest until he thought he’d squeeze the breath out of him, so happy to finally have Jackson in his arms and as his.

“You didn’t say it back before,” Jaebum confessed when he caught Jackson’s amused grin looking down at him.

Jackson cried out in annoyance, slapping at the arms wrapped around him petulantly. “Well I’m sorry but I was busy trying to work out what was happening and if you were even telling me the truth!”

Jaebum breathed out in shock, admittedly a little offended, “Of course I was telling the truth!”

“Well how was I supposed to know that? I was being careful- it’s a little nerve-wracking going from thinking the guy you’re in love with hates you, to hearing he loves you in the span of ten minutes,” He caught sight of Jaebum’s dopey smile at his repeated confession and he matched it with his own. Jaebum soaked in the moment for a long moment, confused when Jackson’s expression suddenly became one of disgust. “Oh no we said our first I love yous on the same bench as Mark and Jinyoung did. How unoriginal.”

Jaebum couldn’t even suppress his grin despite his matching groan.

“So…” He addressed, pinching at Jackson’s side and grinning at the way it made him squirm.

“So?”

“How much do you think I’ll have to bribe Jinyoung-ah to drive back while we sit together in the back seat?”

Nothing, it turned out. Jaebum towed Jackson back to the car, fingers interlocked and matching smiles on either of their face, and Mark was the first to catch sight of them. The pair were leant up against the car hood, fingers playing with each others’ and in quiet conversation when Mark’s sharp eyes flicked to them exiting the building. He aimed a particularly hard shove to Jinyoung’s side to quiet him and get his attention.

“Finally!” Jinyoung crowed, clapping stupidly and Jaebum wanted so desperately to tease him for his unintentional seal impersonation but he was too drunk on excitement and happiness and figured he could let himself be nice to his friend just once.

Plus he sort of needed a favor.

Mark just laughed, wide smile on his face as he walked over and nudged Jackson in the side before pulling him in for a hug. Jaebum couldn’t help but overhear his quiet, “I told you so.”

His chest was full to bursting, the sky above them was blue and empty, Jackson’s hand squeezed his and he decided Spring might not be as horrible as he’d once thought.

“Alright Jaebum-hyung, please unlock the car, help me put the bags in the back and let’s get out of here!” Jinyoung announced and Jaebum raised a single eyebrow at him. “Come on hurry up- we got out of here and immediately realised you have the keys…”

Jaebum responded by throwing the keys to him, ignoring Jinyoung’s confused yelp to pull Jackson tight to his side.

“I’m not driving you are!” Jinyoung whined.

Mark shrugged, sliding into the front passenger seat and shushed his scowling boyfriend, “Come on Jinyoungie. Let’s go home already I’m hungry.”

“Thank you Mark-hyung,” Jackson sung out, helping Jaebum with the bags before hopping into the back seat. “And stop it with the pouty face Jinyoung, I think you owe me after all the times I watched the door while you two ‘hung out’ on the roof.”

Jaebum had just sat down, halfway to having his seatbelt on when the words hit him, “Wait- you let them hook up on our roof?”

“You call it _our_ roof?” Jackson crowed, nudging his way into Jaebum’s side and peppering his cheek with kisses until he pulled away with a contemplative and slightly distraught expression. “Although maybe we should call it their roof after everything it’s been through.”

Jaebum’s horrified whine only stopped when Jackson cuddled him, appeasing his despair with more kisses and aegyo until Jinyoung was yelling about them hogging up his rear vision mirror and Mark was turning up the radio with a giggle.

Jackson couldn’t help feel like a very lucky guy despite it all. His friends were still the worst… But he could admit sometimes they were a little bit amazing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!! CONFESSIONS! APOLOGIES! KISSES! LOVE AND HAPPINESS!!! 
> 
> this was the final real proper chapter of this fic (still an epilogue to come and tie things up tho do not stress) so I anxiously am awaiting feedback! thank you to everyone who's stuck by this so far, ur support means a huge amount to me. 
> 
> OH and I hope you had a happy holidays and here's to the new year! <3


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the end.. my only friend ..the end~

**Epilogue.**

**FOUR MONTHS LATER**

Jaebum woke to an arm heavy across his chest, a knee hiked up dangerously close to inflicting intense pain to him and a quiet snuffle near his ear. He groaned softly, bleary eyed and throat rough with disuse, and looked down to spy Jackson still completely asleep against him.

He had moved in his sleep, shoved his big spoon away in the heat, but unconsciously made sure to keep him close enough to satisfy his need for contact. His hair was fluffed up in every direction, dark strands dried messy after his shower late the night before, and Jaebum grinned when his eyebrows wrinkled.

“What time is it?” He heard Jackson ask, voice low and gravely, and Jaebum would happily admit it still made his stomach squirm.

“I don’t know,” He admitted, lacking the energy or motivation to turn to check Jackson’s alarm clock, especially when it would mean missing getting to watch a sleepy Jackson try to wake himself up.

It wasn’t often he woke before Jackson, so when the opportunity arose, he was hell bent on ensuring every part of it was committed to his memory. The way he blindly rubbed at his face, the scrunch of his nose, the way his eyes scanned the room unseeingly until they finally settled into focus. His chest ached and he gave up on watching in favour of moving his lips to Jackson's for a good morning kiss.

“No!” Jackson protested weakly, other leg still tangled in sheets and he wiggled out of them until he could push Jaebum back. He fixed Jaebum with a stern look, slightly undermined by the fact his pyjama shirt had the image of a puppy smiling up at him. “I have morning breath!”

“So?” Jaebum teased and ducked back down to steal another kiss. 

“You have morning breath,” Jackson sulked, cackling at the surprised and slightly offended pout it put on Jaebum’s face. 

Jaebum relented, gently moving Jackson’s leg from where it was still wrapped around him, before he rolled up to sit on the bedside. He rolled his shoulders back in a deep stretch, yawned for a long moment and smiled at the softer one Jackson echoed with from behind him. 

“Okay fine,” He grunted. “I am going to go brush my teeth and see if there’s any of Mark’s cereal we can steal before he wakes up… You can just stay here and look pretty.” 

“Easy!” Jackson huffed, face already buried back in Jaebum’s pillow with a contented smile.

It wasn’t really his pillow, not officially, but Jackson stood by that label from the way it smelled of his shampoo after all the nights he’d stayed there. The fact he was so attached to it made Jaebum stupidly happy.

“And if you don’t make me some tea I’m going to tell Mark you like his cereal even though it’s American!”

He padded around the apartment like it was his own, eying Mark’s closed door as he put on the kettle to boil. Mark had been asleep before he even arrived the previous night, half out on his feet from a long shift at the music store and hell bent on reaching Jackson's bed, but he knew he still probably wouldn’t see his friend for at least two more hours.

So he found some bowls, filled them with the deliciously sugary concoction of American cereal, made Jackson his green tea to ensure he wouldn’t be kicked out into the street in his Bart Simpson pyjama pants and little else, and headed back into Jackson’s room.

He frowned at the empty bed.

A sharp finger jabbing into his shoulder made him jump, almost spilling cereal everywhere and he cried out, “Why!”

Jackson just laughed, stepped out from where he’d hidden behind the door and tucked his forehead against the bare skin between Jaebum's shoulder blades.

“What is with you and my back?” He teased, but he wouldn’t ever dream of complaining about it. Jackson’s lips trailed over his back for a moment longer before he pulled away, snatching his tea out of Jaebum’s hand and his bowl of cereal from where it was tucked against his arm. Jaebum was pretty sure Jackson didn't even like the sugary food very much but it saved time and meant more time for lazing around in bed.  

“What’s with you and my thighs?” Jackson shot back and Jaebum closed his mouth and silently joined his boyfriend for breakfast in bed. 

They were a few minutes into eating when they began their routine. Jackson turned to him with a smile and a spoon turned microphone held up to his mouth.

“So Im Jaebum- How are you feeling this morning?” Jackson asked, tone theatrical but eyes still genuine.

“Really good thank you,” Jaebum nodded, taking a sip of his own mug of tea. The mug was covered in little cartoon cats. It was his favourite. "I'm tired and very busy, but doing well. How about you?" 

“Oh you know,” Jackson shrugged as he lowered his fake microphone, reaching for his pillbox and carefully tipping the day’s prescribed pills out into his hand. “Same old same old. Always better with you here.” 

Jaebum flushed, always thrown by the easy way Jackson threw his affection around, “Yeah. Same for me.”

Jackson swallowed the pills with ease, rinsed out his throat with tea and shuffled closer to rest his head on Jaebum’s shoulder as he finished up his meal. “So how’s if feel to be dating a drug addict?”

Jaebum rolled his eyes at the familiar joke, “Pretty amazing. How does it feel to be dating a violent criminal?”

“I guess it’s okay…”

Jackson almost spilt his tea when Jaebum shoved him off but he couldn’t hold down his laughter. They would wake Mark up, wrestling in the still tangled sheets heavy with their scent, but they couldn’t find it in themselves to care.

And eventually, when one of them said uncle and they unwrapped from one another, they would lean back against the headboard together and run through their upcoming week. It was mostly packed with work, Jaebum starting up a class for beginners to learn piano at the music shop, and Jackson studying every minute he had free.

“I’m really smart you know,” He reminded Jaebum on an almost daily basis, reading glasses low on his nose. Jaebum had almost cried the first time he found out Jackson owned glasses just for studying. He wouldn’t admit it but he liked when Jackson took photos of the pair of them like that, Jaebum without his contacts in yet squinting through his thick frames, as Jackson beamed at the camera with his textbooks.  He thought they made a good pair. “I could’ve studied in America.”

“Could have?” Jaebum pondered.

“Still could, I suppose,” Jackson pretended to consider it, pen distractingly caught between his teeth. “But you know I’ve just got this feeling I’m where I need to be.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah see I met this person,” Jackson hummed. “My psychiatrist. And honestly, Hyojin just seems to _get_ me, so I don’t want to have to worry about how difficult it might be to find another person like her overseas.”

Jackson’s following smile was so innocent and pure Jaebum almost felt bad for pouring some of his water on his study notes. Almost.

So life was busy. And very scheduled. Jaebum had even learnt how to use the calendar application in his phone.

“Tuesday I’m seeing Hyojin in the afternoon,” Jackson listed, running through his calendar from memory alone. “Wednesday I promised my uncle I’d go into SNU to be a guest speaker for some of his psychology students, Thursday Mark and I are planning his LA trip…”

Jaebum didn’t zone out, but rather let himself get distracted by the sound of Jackson’s voice. The room was small, Jackson and Mark could barely afford the apartment even with their parents’ help, but it was homely. And warm. And it worked perfectly for them.

Besides after years of living in the facility Jackson’s personal effects were minimal, so what he did keep with him was important.

Family pictures. A few trophies from his competitions. A little, slightly lopsided doll with a glittery sweater and a woollen headband. 

Jaebum smiled up at the little guy, seated happily on Jackson’s shelf grinning down at the pair of them.

It wasn’t until Jackson raised an eyebrow that he realised he’d completely missed something.

“Sure?” He guessed, wincing at Jackson’s unimpressed expression.

“You’re being remarkably calm about this.”

“Hm?”

Jackson groaned. “Jaebumie,” That got his attention, half frustrated and half pleased by the pet name. “They want to visit next month?”

“Who?” Jaebum really wished Jackson would stop glaring daggers at him.

“My parents.”

Oh. Oh fuck. Jaebum’s eyes bulged and he felt his heart begin to pump faster, shifting always a little too easily into panic mode.

“Hey! Hey hey,” Jackson stopped him, shoved away their things and slid into his lap without a moment’s pause. “Look at me they’re going to love you. They already love you just from Skype.”

“Sure,” Jaebum’s voice was hollow, but Jackson’s hands rubbing his shoulders did help sooth him slightly.

“Trust me!” Jackson promised. “Mom basically already thinks you’re her son.” 

“Okay.” 

“Although I think a small part of her is still a little heartbroken Mark and I didn’t end up together…” He bit his lip, contemplative for a moment and Jaebum whined. 

“Jackson!” 

“I’m just teasing!” 

Jackson forced them out of bed eventually, dragging a still lethargic Jaebum to the couch to settle in for the morning. Mark stumbled out at some point too, complained to himself about always running out of his cereal too fast, and made himself and Jaebum some coffee.

Jackson settled into the couch beside the pair of them, feet tucked in Jaebum’s lap and sighed. Jaebum smiled at the familiarity of it all. 

They lasted for a minute, two, of comfortable silence before Jackson spoke again. 

“So everyone needs to be ready to leave in an hour!”

Two matching groans left Jaebum and Mark’s mouths. 

“Can’t we stay here forever?” Jaebum pleaded, lazy and content. It was rainy outside and he wanted little more than to finish his coffee, pull Jackson back to his bed and curl up together until they forgot about anything outside the four walls of his room. 

“Nope.” 

“Please?”

“Nope!”

If there was a silver lining to the fact that they had to leave the apartment it was that Jackson needed to get changed out of his pyjamas. Jaebum lay at the foot of his boyfriend’s bed, watching as Jackson dug around in his drawers for something presentable to wear and took in the view.

“Are you going to get ready?” Jackson huffed, crying out in delight when he found a nice pair of jeans and began his search for a shirt. 

“Mhmm,” Jaebum’s eyes didn’t move from Jackson’s arms, flexed as he shoved the drawer back in with a grunt.

“Are you going to put on something nice?” 

“Mhmm,” Jaebum’s eyes trailed down Jackson’s torso, travelling the whole way down to where his toes peeked out from his too long pyjama pants and began their slow journey back up.

“Are you going to call your brother and tell him we’re going to be late to his performance because you won’t stop staring at my ass?”

“Mhmm,” Jackson’s victorious laughter broke Jaebum’s concentration and he frowned and flushed. “Wait what?” 

Instead of a response he received a duffle bag and he groaned. But, did in fact, move to get dressed. 

He would have teased Jackson for the matching way his gaze lingered on him as he dressed himself, but Jaebum knew by then the other was far too shameless to be embarrassed at being caught staring. 

Jaebum fussed over his hair for fifteen minutes before Jackson threatened to pour a bucket of water over his head. 

They almost missed the bus, Mark walking painfully slowly behind them as tried to text Jinyoung in transit. Jackson profusely thanked the bus driver for waiting for them instead of driving off and Jaebum bowed awkwardly, before shuffling back to take his seat. 

The hall was a little across town, back closer to Jaebum’s apartment, and they slipped off the bus and into a crowd of chattering parents. 

"How many people is he performing for?" Jackson asked softly, eyes wide and Jaebum shrugged silently, speechless. 

His mother had staked out her place in the third from the front row, close enough to see everything but not to close to strain their necks, and she waved them over with a wide smile.

Jinyoung was seated on the other end of the aisle, places between them counted out and he blocked anyone from coming through. He was glued to his phone, fingers tapping away until Mark called out his name and he jolted in place. 

“Youngjae ran to the bathroom,” He explained when they reached him, kissing Mark hello and hugging Jackson back tightly when he moved in for an embrace. Jaebum sent him a knowing smirk at the kiss and he rolled his eyes back in response.

“And I’m assuming Bambam is somewhere backstage running amok with your brother,” His mother added. “We haven’t seen him since we first got here.”

The space around them filled up quickly, families and friends and people coming to support their loved ones, and Jaebum settled into his seat between his mom and Jackson. Mark and Jackson were speaking between themselves, Jinyoung was pretending not to be pouting as he spoke to Youngjae instead and Bambam eventually reappeared and fell into the seat beside him on the end.

And then Yugyeom’s dance teacher spoke over the speakers, requested for them all to turn their phones to silent, and the curtains parted.

It was different to what Jaebum expected. 

From what little he’d seen his brother had the raw talent, he had dabbled and played around with the idea of dancing, but he’s never seen him as committed to anything as he was when he was center stage. 

Gone was the reserved and self-consciousness of his little brother, and in his place was a mature young man brewing in confidence and talent. He was in front of almost a hundred people, half of whom he had never met, and he didn’t falter once.

He was feather light on his feet, each movement managed to be measured but also strong, and Jaebum’s chest was bursting full of pride.

Jackson squeezed his hand and bumped against his shoulder and Jaebum shot him a quiet smile. He didn’t feel the need to say anything. Jackson understood.

Yugyeom’s first performance came to an end eventually and Jackson’s cheers for him as he made his way off stage were so loud Jaebum thought he’d likely burst an eardrum. But he couldn’t help but join in, laughing at Jackson dancing in place beside him. 

His phone buzzed and he looked down as he seated himself, rolling his eyes at Jinyoung’s message. 

_Are you okay? You have this ugly expression on your face like you have gas or something (:_

He leant forward, peering around Jackson's front to meet Jinyoung's eyes and run his finger along his neck with a grimace. Jinyoung just grinned back in response. 

He didn’t care really, the teasing lumped on him for how he behaved around Jackson. He knew at the end of the day everyone loved and supported them, even his own mother pulled Jackson aside at family dinners just to catch up with him and ask him about his family, so it didn’t really matter how lovesick he looked or behaved. None of it could bother him. 

But then again, the next performer exited the stage and there was a gap before the next one came on and Jaebum considered the smug grin on his best friend’s face.

“You know hyung,” Jaebum prodded, catching Mark’s attention. “Jinyoung-ah was always a pretty talented dancer too.”

Jinyoung’s eyes bulged, threat emblazoned in them, but Jaebum ignored it. “He even did some ballet once. Played Prince Charming in a performance.”

Mark gasped, turning to Jinyoung with a giggle, “Really?”

“Yeah he did a pretty good job too,” Jaebum paused for dramatic effect. “Shame about the tights he had to wear, though. They left very little to the imagination.”

Jinyoung was going to murder him, Mark was going to die of happiness and Jackson was so red from containing his giggles he might pass out but Jaebum figured it was worth it.

His mother reached for his hand when Yugyeom retook the stage with a group, clearly their leader. Jackson still gripped tight his other hand, fingers interlocked and steady, and Jaebum couldn’t hold in his soft sigh.

All around him were those he loved, his brother before him unrecognisable from his own personal growth, and on either side of him he was holding hands with two of the strongest people he’d ever known. 

Yugyeom dabbed mid performance and his mother groaned. Youngjae and Bambam mirrored his move from their seats. Mark was still quietly begging Jinyoung to show him pictures of him as Prince Charming. Jackson cried out in excitement when another dancer performed a perfect backflip mid routine. 

To his left he looked over and caught sight of the glint of tears in his mother’s eyes and leant his shoulder to hers, pulling up her hand and pressing a kiss to it. 

He had everything he needed, just within that room. There was none of the emptiness that used to drown him, the shame that used to engulf him and the heaviness that weighed him down. They weren’t gone forever, there was no perfect solution and resolution for the challenged he had faced and would face for years to come, but his challenges weren't one huge hurdle any more. He knew how to move past them. One at a time with the help of those around him. 

Things weren’t perfect. His family was still slightly broken and might always be, he still felt himself too easily falling into the current of anger trying desperately to sweep him off his footing, he shared the burdens of Jackson in his own ongoing battle with his own brain, but things were better. 

And despite it all, despite all the struggles of the past and the pain and confusion, the anger and self doubt they brought, Jaebum knew it was ultimately worth it.

Because it brought him to that point. 

He looked right to Jackson, tugged on the boy’s hand until he looked over and tilted his head in silent question, and Jaebum leant down to press a soft peck to his lips.

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.”

If Jaebum had been asked years ago, before everything he had seen and done, about the life he saw for himself he never could have thought his result possible. Just eight months before, when Jackson was still a stranger, and he wanted nothing more than to push him away and hide from everything about him, he absolutely never would have predicted it. 

Because Jackson was so different and so against everything he thought right for him. 

He was loud and pushy and a little abrasive and too generous with his love and affection. Jaebum was reserved. He clung to his grudges and his secrets like nothing else. He struggled with every step of the way of letting another person in. Jackson was outgoing and charming, but they found a commonality between them in their defensiveness. They were both struggling, trying to protect themselves from everything in completely different ways, and Jaebum had been to blind to see that. Until he realised that despite all their differences they weren't so foreign to one another. 

So he had learnt, that sometimes the things you think not right for you, the things to seemingly polar opposite to everything you want or are searching for, aren't your opposite because they're wrong for you. They're your opposite in that they challenge you, they find your differences and they highlight them and they strengthen your integrity in yourself as a person. They force you to reevaluate and to make changes including the ones you never thought possible, but the ones you need the most. 

And Jaebum was so incredibly thankful for Jackson's pushiness. He was to lucky that Jackson had carved out that space in Jaebum's life and refused to get out of it no matter how much Jaebum had tried to remove him. 

Because he didn't need a relationship with someone like him. He needed more. He needed that polarity. 

And together he and Jackson made an even, if not sometimes opposite, pair. 

Jackson shoved at his side, steered his attention back to his brother’s final section and cried out in delight when they stuck their final poses.

And years later, even with all the other’s help and the shouting debates that it sometimes stirred, none of them there could tell which of them seated in that third row had been the first to their feet in applause. 

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAYAYAY HAPPY DOMESTIC JACKBUM
> 
> So this is gonna get rambly but I have a lot to say!! 
> 
> The past 7 months (yikES) have been hectic and challenging but we've made it this far and I’m so lucky to have received so much support personally and for this story (I’m still in shock this fic hit over 550 kudos.. HOW). Thank you to everyone for your endless patience and support!! 
> 
> Now onto specifics- 
> 
> #1 thank you to Olga. We created this entire plot and alternate universe together and I’ll always be so grateful towards you for that. 
> 
> Thank you to Paula and Rita and Camila and I’m 100% forgetting other people on tumblr for your messages/comments/general support. You guys are lovely and idk what I did to deserve such sweethearts :’) 
> 
> And my commenters!! Your comments are the greatest part about writing and I can promise you every one of them made me smile/flail like an idiot <3 Specifically Nydia_ahgase89 and Ran_sensei I swear you guys commented on almost if not all of the chapters so WOW thank you so much!! 
> 
> And that’s about it! 
> 
> So wherever you are in the world- I wish you nothing but love, happiness and safety.
> 
> Thank you again!!!  
> Nic <3
> 
> (ps come yell @ me on tumblr if you haven’t already- I’m [fightmejaebum ](http://fightmejaebum.tumblr.com/))


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